Jen Riday: You're listening to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast, episode number 110.
Intro: Welcome to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast, stories of vibrant women living happy lives. And now, your host, Jen Riday.
Jen Riday: Hey there, welcome to Vibrant Happy Women. I'm Dr. Jen Riday, your host, and this
is the place to be if you want to shift from burned-out to finding yourself, taking care of yourself, healing your heart, healing your relationships, and figuring out your purpose so you can live it and feel happy from the inside out. Welcome to the show. Our review of the week comes from Kerr Will, and she says, “I adore this podcast and get a happy boost every time I see that there's a new episode in my feed to listen to. What a wonderful gift to all of us! Thank you, Jen, for the inspiration and uplift; so much goodness here.” Well, thank you for leaving a review that means the world and we read every single review. And if any of you listening would like to leave a review, it helps so much. You can do so at jenriday.com/iTunes.
Today, I'll be talking with Anne Adametz, an amazing friend and woman, who is also a fellow Wisconsinite, who speaks so clearly and in such an enlightening, uplifting way about finding peace in the midst of chaos. There is so much learned from Anne, and we're going to go ahead and dive right in now.
My guest today Anne Adametz, and she's a mentor combining her years as an acupuncturist, yoga therapist, business owner, and mom, into distilled sessions, helping people transform their mindset, feel strong, feel peaceful in any situation. Sign me up, Anne. How does she know? Well, within 5 years, Anne lost both her brother and her mother, leaving her family emotionally traumatized and spiritually confused. Anne sought out world experts, and through the study of what was happening to her internally and out, she earned the tools to successfully help others heal mind and body then transform their life experience into riches to share it with others. Anne distills these timeless world-class tools to help people heal and live dreams, and this co-creation is a multiplication that can change the world, one beautiful person at a time. Anne lives in Stoughton, Wisconsin with her husband and her son. Welcome to the show, Anne, my neighbor.
Anne Adametz: Yes, thank you, thank you. I love being here. I'm a huge fan of the show and I'm so excited that you're co-creating with all of these amazing people. I'm just totally stoked to be here.
Jen Riday: Yeah, I'm so glad to have you. And why don't you say Stoughton for us? And we want to hear your Norwegian accent because it's Wisconsin after all.
Anne Adametz: You've got to say it… yes, like I said, they'll know that you're a fake if you're not Norwegian, so you have to say Stoughton.
Jen Riday: (Laughs). Love it!
Jen Riday: So I have a neighbor across the street that's Norwegian. And it's the funniest thing, but a lot of times when he gets to talking fast, he'll say ‘dat’ instead of ‘that’.
Anne Adametz: (Laughs)
Jen Riday: And he's been in the US, I mean, for generations, but that accent came down the line and it's still here; I love it. (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: Oh, I love it. I love it too. I love the Wisconsin accent and it took me a lot of years to realize that we all say Wisconsin and not Wesconsin that's how everyone else does it. So yes, yes, there’s a lot of that.
Jen Riday: Well, let's start off with one of your favorite quotes and then we'll jump into your story.
Anne Adametz: Okay. So my favorite quote… there's so many, so many, so hard to choose. But the number one because it is how I… that guides my life is that, “Peace is the goal, the way, and the means to get there.”
Jen Riday: Oh! “The goal, the way, and the means,” oh yeah. So how have you applied that one in your life?
Anne Adametz: Well, I would say with every single day, every person, every minute. And that's what I love about the practice is that, it seems like there's so much going on and there's so many issues, and I just know that I'm rooted in that and I'm rooted in the fact that it's got to come down to that; that that's my legacy, that that's the way that I want to live. That's my goal as a human being is to feel peace. And so like, for example, if you think about all of the different goals, the short-term goals, and I work with a coach and I am. It's like, all these goals that we have, these short terms goals, it's like, “Oh, if I get that thing and then I'll feel better and then I'll be peaceful. If I accomplish this or if I get this done or if I… you know, my family is all well, and good, then I'll feel peaceful.” And it's like that keeps being what I think… these short-term goals are what I keep thinking are the goal, but behind all those goals is that I just want to feel peaceful. And all my training and everything I've done up to this point has led me to realize that, you can skip the thing you think is going to bring you the goal and just focus on the goal itself and be that peace. So, for me, whenever I go through troubles or issues, I think how to get back to peace, “How can I be peaceful?” and that's my guiding light and my grounding rod.
Jen Riday: Isn't that so true? We're all probably chasing peace or at least a little bit of fun and happiness, but…
Anne Adametz: Right, right.
Jen Riday: … we try and try and try and try, and really, we could just sit in a chair and probably accomplish it so much faster and easier if we knew how. So if someone's totally in that place of chaos or sadness or something has happened, what do you recommend they do to return to peace in that easier way, instead of chasing it?
Anne Adametz: Well, I think, you know, the very first thing is to decide what the goal is because a lot… like I… yeah, just yesterday, I sat with a young woman and she's going through a really tough time. She's got a child that has to go in for a serious surgery and there's a substantial risk there. And so the stress is so high and it's almost unmanageable. And so what happens a lot of times like anybody… you know, you would sit in you’d ruminate on all the worst-case scenario and you start to worry and freak out and you’re really, you know, really worried about the whole situation, put a lot of negative energy around it. So what I do and I hear these stories is to try to hear them with… you know, with what Ron Doss calls unimaginable or unbearable compassion because it's a lot to take on; it's a lot to deal with. And then what I know from my training is that, everything is temporary. You know, one of the basic concepts of yoga and life and all of this is that, every single thing is temporary. So I remember that and I remember the goal is like, “The only thing I have control over in this whole situation is me.”
Jen Riday: Oh yeah.
Anne Adametz: “And what I do in the situation.” And so I don't have control and she doesn't have control over the outcome of surgery. I don't have control of how she feels about it. All I know is that, what we have right now in this moment is the power that I have. Even if I want to change the past or affect the future, I can only do that right now in this moment, and it can only be me that does it. And I can't control what happens, but I can control how I deal with it.
Jen Riday: Hmm.
Anne Adametz: And so that's what I come back to that grounding in like, “I can only control me,” and then that, “What's my goal?” piece; so how to get there.
Jen Riday: Oh.
Anne Adametz: How to get there. And if everything is temporary and everything is shifting, then me grasping on to trying to make it something is… that gripping is what's causing a lot of the friction and the tension.
Jen Riday: Ah, yes! Yes, that reminds me of things I've said on this podcast before. But the expectation of a certain outcome is what causes all the stress and friction, of course. Yeah.
Anne Adametz: That's right.
Jen Riday: Good reminder.
Anne Adametz: That's right.
Jen Riday: So do we just let go of our desired outcome and just accept what is?
Anne Adametz: Well, there you go. You just mind all of yoga down to one thing which is, “Let go.”
Jen Riday: Let go. (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: Nice job by the way; nice work.
Jen Riday: (Laughs). Thank you!
Anne Adametz: That’s true; that's exactly what it is. My teachers… I had the extreme privilege to study with world masters, the Mohan family of Svastha Yoga and, you know, they came from India, they took care of Krishnamacharya. A lot of the yoga today that's taught in the West is from Krishnamacharya, whose were the last living Yogis of the lineages; like a lot of people came from that lineage. And they took care of him for the last 18 years of his life. And I was really privileged to study with them. I did a lot of teacher training with them and then I did go with therapy training with them. And they literally wrote the book ‘Yoga Therapy’ and so luckily enough I got a chance to learn so much from them. And what they used to say, Mohan G used to say is that, “If you mine all of yoga down and all of this meditation and all of it down to one thing, to one process, it's, ‘Let go.’”
Jen Riday: Wow! Wow! So…
Anne Adametz: Which is easier said than done.
Jen Riday: Yeah, yeah. What do you think…? I mean, I'm thinking of all the things we have built into our society that almost make it more difficult to let go, like social expectations of how you're supposed to be in a marriage or how you're supposed to raise your kids or what you should do to be a good quote/unquote Christian or religious; you know, all of it. How do you let go of that and still function within society? I mean, that's been maybe an impossible question to answer, but we can try. (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: Well, I think that's absolutely necessary right now in this moment in time. Because so many people are trying to lead an authentic lifestyle, they're trying to be who they are, and they're trying to do that, but yet be a good person with all of our faults and all of our emotions and all of that. And that's why I love yoga as a system because it says that you really only can control yourself. You really only are responsible for your own karma. And I talk about that in my yoga classes, I'm like, “Here's the good news is that you really only have one person to control, and that's you.” That's the great news, okay, because even if you think you control your kids, even if you think you control your husband or all these relationships, even if you think you can Makaveli and like put strings on them and like make them do what you want to do by saying the right thing or doing the right thing, you really can't. And all of that build-up and all of that… you know, all of that… I call it like putting out a little puppet and showing that to the world; all of that is what separates us. And I feel like what brings us together is that vulnerability, is that humaneness. And rooted in peacefulness and kindness, that's the goal, the way, the means. That's how we can function with together is be peaceful and loving towards one another, but be totally honest in terms of being who you are and walking this… this path.
Jen Riday: Hmmm well, that's beautiful. I love vulnerability and humaneness and then you mentioned unbearable compassion; that's awesome. Well, let's hear more about your story how you got to this place of, you know, understanding and wisdom that so many need in this world. And that's why I'm sure you're such an amazing coach to so many here in the Wisconsin area and probably beyond, but how did you get to that place? What learning has happened for you over the years?
Anne Adametz: Oh gosh, you know, I just… I think, you know, like with a lot of people, I've got an up-and-down tale. And that's one thing I love about my job is that I get to hear how people are where they are. But I started out, you know, growing up on a farm life and had a big family; there's 7 of us, 5 kids. And it was a hardscrabble situation, there wasn't a lot of money. I remember that we shared the farm with my grandfather and my uncle. And we were the ones with 7 people. And our share of earnings for one month didn't cover the light bill, I remember. So we had really specific economic challenges and that. But within all that, I had a really awesome family my mom was a really strong personality, my dad's an incredible person, and just my sisters and family and just really great people. So we had a hardscrabble growing up, but it was a lot of love and a lot of hard work.
Jen Riday: Aww! Nice.
Anne Adametz: Yeah. So that's really what I'm grounded in is, you know, even though it was a lot of suffering, a lot of stress, it was a lot of really strong connection there for me so I was really lucky about that. And so, you know, I was one of the first people; my sister and I were the first to go to university and we graduated, and… and that was really awesome and… and I did a really great job there. And then I really fell in love with traveling and ended up traveling quite a bit. And even though we didn't have a lot of money, someone told me in college, “Hey, why don't you just use your financial aid to try to just put that towards study abroad?”
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: So I totally did it and that was the best decision I ever made.
Jen Riday: Yeah, smart.
Anne Adametz: Because, girl, I ain't missing that money right now at all.
Jen Riday: Right, right!
Anne Adametz: So… yeah. So I tell everyone to do that. So when I did, I fell in love at traveling and I fell in love with all of these perspectives of life and I loved all of it. Not everybody loves people; I love people, and I just couldn't get over how amazing that was. And then when I came back, it was kind of a hard reality to come back to, you know, daily grind and life and finishing school and things like that. And then I had a really great opportunity. I had a full ride scholarship to a graduate school.
Jen Riday: Wow.
Anne Adametz: And that was… yeah, right? And I was like, “Wow! This is the greatest thing in the world. I'm so awesome. I'm doing great!” And then I went to the school and I realized I didn't like… I was an English major and it was like more of an old English studying thing and I really didn't like it and I really couldn't get my head wrapped around; I really couldn't understand it. And I literally was going to flunk out or drop out.
Jen Riday: Wow.
Anne Adametz: And so I had a full-ride scholarship and no stipend and everything and I thought, “Oh my gosh, I am so… what, did I con my way into this?” Like I had so many questions about, you know, “I'm really a loser right now. This is a total hot mess.” And I remember sitting and I went to the counselor, school counselor, and I was bawling. And I couldn't even talk, she goes, “Why don't you come back tomorrow?”
Jen Riday: (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: Literally, because I was crying so hard.
Jen Riday: Oh, no.
Anne Adametz: So then I came back and I was like, “Oh, I can't… I just couldn't. I don't think I could even… I don't even know how to fix stuff. I can't even be like a janitor here. I can't do anything. I'm terrible.” And she's like, “You know, you can probably make it through this and you could probably just do something different.” And I just thought, “I can't. This is… I'm total failure.” So I ended up dropping out of a full scholarship, a full ride, I was a TA there, I dropped out of everything and I moved back home with my parents after traveling the world and all if this.
Jen Riday: Oh yeah; a recipe for major depression, right? (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: Mmm, oh gosh, I can't even tell you; humble pie.
Jen Riday: Mm-hmm.
Anne Adametz: And I'm a really strong independent person so leaving home was big and… So I moved back and my brother and sister, 2 of my siblings were still living at home. And my dad got me a job as a landscaper because I was that depressed. He got me a job as a landscaper with my brother who is, you know, 7 years younger than me. And I spent this summer with my brother which was pretty kind of cool because I didn't really know my brother as well at this point of him being a young adult; he was 18. And so we spent the summer landscaping together in this beautiful place, this private estate. And it was a gorgeous drive, we had a brilliant summer, I got to know him really well, we became actually really good friends. And then when that was over, I figured it was time to grow up and go back into Corporate America.
Jen Riday: (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: So I came… entered into that. I went to… got into Madison and I got some really great jobs and some great opportunities and rose to middle management pretty quickly. And made a great deal of money, had a car, had a gas card; all that great stuff. And even with all that though, the stress of being Corporate America and thoughts and downs of that started to get to me and I started feeling like really stressed out, like workload and the time management. And even though I was single and you think you had everything, it was pretty stressful. And, you know, you can only drink so much; I can only Thirsty, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Funday. And, you know, that… that lasts only so long and you got to get up on Monday.
Jen Riday: Right.
Anne Adametz: So I was going through stressful times and I got into yoga. And someone had told me about it and I had experienced some pretty strong relief from it in college, but I wasn't really about it. And then I started to get some relief. But that's when my brother was in a car accident.
Jen Riday: Oh.
Anne Adametz: So this is… this, you know, the fall of the year that I was with him. And he got into a car accident and unfortunately, he ended up passing away from that car accident.
Jen Riday: Whoa.
Anne Adametz: And that's when I was like, “Okay, this stress is unmanageable.” And the pain and the loss and all of that was just like… I was really reeling at that point from stress. And that's when I just went headlong into yoga and said, “I've got to find a way to deal with this and I've got to find a way to let go essentially,” especially of that situation and learn how to cope. And that's when I started doing yoga, you know, a lot. And once I started doing yoga Allah and getting some relief and getting just a few moments peace, then I was like, “Well, there's got to be more than just the physical part of this; there's something going on here.” And that's when I ended up leaving Corporate America and moving to Chicago with my now husband. And that's when I started studying yoga and started… you know, I got a part-time job, I started studying yoga, and that's when I just kept on moving through that and… and learning with all these great masters, had a lot of great breaks. And right in the middle of some teacher training and meeting the Mohans is when my mom unexpectedly passed away from an embolism.
Jen Riday: Oh geesh! Whoa.
Anne Adametz: So it was like this. But at that time, to be honest with, you I was right where I needed to be. I had… I was like learning all of these lessons. I was studying yoga full time. I was doing my dream job at that time and I was starting to enter into Chinese medicine and acupuncture. So all of these things I had just like this full time study of what this was all about and… and how to do it. So that's really how I came to learn a lot of what I've learned, and then just these life situations where I just had to apply it and really bring it back home to my family who is struggling with all this, and bring home this wisdom and told all of us cope, really.
Jen Riday: Well, so what did that look like? You know, farm family and then, you know, are you the oldest or the second oldest?
Anne Adametz: Second.
Jen Riday: Second oldest, okay. The second oldest daughter heads to the big city and learns all this eastern stuff and then you bring it back. How receptive were they and… and what did that look like?
Anne Adametz: Well, let me tell you, I have a really, really interesting family. And I think that farm life, my dad was kind of the vet. You know, you didn't always call the vet. There was somebody around that knew quite a lot about that; birth the animals and things like that. My dad was kind of that guy in our community. He's kind of Charles Ingalls, that's what I call him.
Jen Riday: Wow! That’s cool!
Anne Adametz: Yeah and my mom was like the Carolyn, right, because she was like the person who a lot of people came to for advice.
Jen Riday: Really?
Anne Adametz: So they were already pretty tied to really excited about learning more about this kind of stuff and they used a lot of home remedies and they used a lot of old timey, you know, rem… things like that; so they were pretty stoked.
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: And right before my mom, she came down and saw me, and she was like, “Gosh, I just can't wait for you to get all this information because I've got carpal tunnel.”
Jen Riday: Aww! That’s so great.
Anne Adametz: You know, they're excited, they’re like, “Come home and help us out!
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: Yes. You know, and I learned a lot from my parents. My dad actually is the first person who taught me… we actually left the farm in… when I was about in 7th grade because they had a falling-out with a family and my dad wanted to buy the farm and they didn't want to split it up like that. And my dad took off and became a horse person, which was his dream.
Jen Riday: Ah!
Anne Adametz: And with… with 5 kids, he did that. And he became… actually, he actually became a world champion horse logger and he was the farrier at the Midwest Horse Fair and a speaker there. And really it's quite a person to follow in his footsteps.
Jen Riday: Wow! Oh, you do have amazing parents. Wow, that's great. Well, so going back to that pain of your mom dying and I'm just trying to imagine that level of pain, and I know many of our listeners out there are struggling… okay, all of our listeners out there are struggling with something right now that hurts and is frustrating and exhausting. What do you do with deep, deep, deep emotional pain like that? How do you work through it so you can let it go like you talked about?
Anne Adametz: Well, I'm really glad you talked about the emotion piece of it because I am a really emotional person. And my big question when I went into all this study was like, “Well, what do I do with my emotions? because I just want to like…” And that's where I got into a lot of problems too like, “Oh, I'm just so angry about everything,” and then I just would act from that space of anger and create more problems for myself or I would be so sad. And I actually did some extensive grief counseling and that was a big turning point for me. Because when all the emotions… and that's what I love about Chinese medicine is that, they incorporate that as part of your health; is, emotion health as part of your health.
Jen Riday: Ah!
Anne Adametz: And it's important, right? We have an emotion and the Chinese believe that, you know, every season has a different emotion. We're in spring right now; it's a time of anger. So if you're being agitated lately, it's timely, it's a good time for treatment.
Jen Riday: Oh! Okay, okay, that makes sense.
Anne Adametz: So… and it stirs up a lot of stuff in the spring but… but the emotional piece so that's really important. And, you know, someone was saying there's was a study done and about how long emotion should last. And we need every single emotion, right, they're all important. We just vilify certain emotions, right? Like, “Well, you shouldn't have anger or you shouldn't be mad or you shouldn't have sadness.” But all of them are really integral and they've just become either in balanced or out of balance. So, for example, the Chinese will say that if you have an emotion in balance, it should rise up, there's an amount of time that you want to work with it, listen to it, honor it, and then it passes. And if you spend too much time with it, you overdo the emotion, like I'm always angry, that becomes an illness, right; that becomes an illness. Or if you push it down and don't deal with it, then that comes out as an illness, like you never talk about it or anything like that and then it just becomes stress and tension inside. So they say that there's an acceptable amount of time to honor it. So, for example, like with anger, it's… something's important here. So like why would… like if you think about anger and I like a guttural sense, why would we need anger? What's the purpose of anger?
Jen Riday: Mm-hmm. Are you asking me?
Anne Adametz: Yes.
Jen Riday: Okay, I would say that anger is a mask for something below it, which is fear or… yeah fear probably.
Anne Adametz: Okay, so this is really good that it's like a mask, it's like covering up something. So like if you think about like a mother bear or something that you would get angry, like what are they doing? Why are they getting angry?
Jen Riday: Yeah, afraid that their cubs will get hurt, right? Yeah.
Anne Adametz: Right, exactly. So it's protection mechanism, right?
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: So… and it's really important one. It's a very important mechanism to say, “Hey, something is not right here. This cannot continue.
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: So here's where my yoga training comes in large, because I used to just say, “This isn't right,” and then go off in that same anger energy and overdo it. Like the Chinese say like that's going to cause me a problem because I'm going to act from the emotion and not let it inform me of what the issue is. So when I sit with anger and say, “What’s making me angry? Okay, what am I protecting?” and now what I say is, it's almost always…you know, it comes down to yourself. You're protecting yourself or your family. And so when I come down and then I come back to that, “Peace is the way, the goal, the means,” and that's where it becomes a choice on what I decide to do with this breech of my protection. How I decide to fortify my life, how I decide to start fortify my family, how I decide with boundaries, with, you know, deciding in actions, what actions I'm going to take; all those sorts of things. Does that make sense?
Jen Riday: Yeah, yeah, it's almost like, “Wake up, something needs to happen here.” And… if we get lost and don't go to that deeper level, we don't solve anything. I love that! So you're like taking it deeper, “What can I fix? What can they fortify? What action should I take?” and just recognizing its self-preservation. Ooh, that's good, Anne! (Laughs). That's really good.
Anne Adametz: And I love it because I actually… there's a talk that I do because it's called ‘The Purpose of Emotions’, and it talks about why we have each emotion. Like so many people don't want to ever have anxiety, but anxiety is awesome.
Jen Riday: Oh!
Anne Adametz: When you’re in meetings, every single person is going to experience anxiety, everybody on this phone call, and probably freaked out when I said, “Anxiety is awesome.”
Jen Riday: Yeah! I want to know what you're talking about. Yeah.
Anne Adametz: Because it seems like anxiety sucks, “I do not want that it's the worst. I want to stop it from happening.” But that's that pushing down of it and stopping it. And, you know, you use the word… you said that, you know, “It's like something that I've got to pay attention to.” And I use the word ‘alarm’ because all of these are saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Something needs to happen.” Then once I understand the mechanism for the emotion, then I can understand why I'm having it. So like, when would you experience anxiety?
Jen Riday: Usually, for me, it's when somebody is in danger or there's something really unknown. I guess anxiety is when you're unknown or unsure about the future, I suppose.
Anne Adametz: That's exactly right. Okay, because you're unknown about the future, but let me give you a little like behind the scenes spoiler alert is that, all future is uncertain.
Jen Riday: Yeah! Spoiler alert!
Anne Adametz: Yeah, I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you is that, everything is temporary and we don't know what's going to happen. Even if you… this is that expectation that we're, if I think that, “Aw, it's got to be this way and I want it to be this way,” and I get really attached to that and everything is temporary, here's where the let go piece comes; is like I can put forward… I'm only in control of me. I can put forward my best effort, I can do everything I want to do, but I cannot control how this turns out. And, at the end of the day, that's what I can let go of is, everything outside of my intention and my goal. And that's why I love to be rooted in, “Peace is the way, they goal, the means,” because I know that I'm grounded the way that I need to be and that's all I can control.
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: And like with the anxiety piece, you're talking about future things and we feel anxiety when we've got like all these mental windows open on all these things that, okay maybe they all need to get done, but they don't only get done right now. And so I'm like creating this huge scenario where I'm putting extreme pressure on myself or worrying about something that's not even happening. And then I create for myself a pressure cooker, and an alarm goes off that says, “Hey! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is happening right now? You can't control all that stuff,” and then once you go… so one of the tools I use is to say like, “Is this happening?” or, “What was I just thinking about?” So, “What was I just thinking about?” I'll say, “Oh, I was just listing all my to-dos,” well, then I can just dump all my to-dos into a list and then start again and then, “Oh, what was I just thinking about?” well, I'm worried about a lot of things or I'm worried about, “What if this happens?” And I'll just say to myself, “Is it happening right now?” and if it's not happening right now, then I'm manufacturing a negative outcome.
Jen Riday: Oh boy.
Anne Adametz: So, “Is it happening right now?” has really helped me. Yeah
Jen Riday: Yeah. Wow!
Anne Adametz: “Is it happening?” and that's that power of now or that being in the present moment. That's why it's so important because you only have this. You don't have the future to fix right now, you just have this moment.
Jen Riday: Mm-hmm. So I talked a lot about self-love on the show and I feel like a place that was important for me to become grounded where I didn't need to worry as much or be stuck in these emotions really, self-love was a foundation of that, somehow developed the idea that I was worthy and that I had everything inside of me to take care of myself. Do you have any tips on getting to that place or what you've seen that look like for your clients or for yourself?
Anne Adametz: Well,, you know, my son just had this mindfulness expert come to school and he came in to the school and he spoke to the kids and the kids loved him. And he did it through hip-hop.
Jen Riday: Ah!
Anne Adametz: And his name is Just… Oh my gosh, this guy is cool; you have to check him out. His name is Justme; j u s t m e. And he does these mindfulness raps and my son was way into it, like big time into it, and a lot of the kids loved it. And he did this special opportunity which I wish was something that every parent could have made it to, but it was at 3 o'clock. And so I went, he got up in front of the teachers and stood on a chair.
Jen Riday: Uh-huh.
Anne Adametz: And he goes, “I know I'm not supposed to be standing on a chair here,” he was like, “But I wanted to talk to y'all about mindfulness and I want you to hear me.” And they're like, “Okay.”
Jen Riday: Aww.
Anne Adametz: And he's this really cool guy. He said, “You know, I just want to tell you right now that I've been working on this for the last 5 years. And the last year is the first year that I really loved myself.”
Jen Riday: Oh!
Anne Adametz: “It’s the first time like really I love myself.” And he said that in front of all of these teachers and of people he didn't know. And I started tearing up immediately because, I know that feeling where you get on the opposite side of yourself or you don't stick up for yourself or you don't even really know yourself because you're trying so hard to help everybody around you so then you can feel peace.
Jen Riday: Ah.
Anne Adametz: And what's really helped me is realizing that, I'm really trying to make everything around me peaceful so then I'll feel peace or I can just go straight to the source and focus on it for myself.
Jen Riday: Oh yeah! I love it.
Jen Riday: Say that part again, “So I can focus on everyone around me,” how did that go?
Anne Adametz: It's like when you come home and clean your house.
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: So that, “Okay, if everything's perfect around me, then I'll be relaxed and I can relax.” But it's like you don't have to do all of that, you just come home to yourself and say that, “This is the way, the goal, the means. Like, me feeling peaceful is the most important thing and I can get it for myself. And if I'm peaceful, then I create that environment around me that everyone can then feel peaceful; or not, but that's not my job. If you feel peaceful, it's not my job. My job is if I feel peaceful.”
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: “I’m taking care of my person.”
Jen Riday: And, for you, that peace comes easiest through yoga or there are other components that are part of that for you now?
Anne Adametz: You know, there's so many components. And, you know, part of it too is a reflection of the people that I surround myself with to is that, once that… you know, I'm lucky enough to have grown up with a family who was really loving, and so I know what that's worth. And, not to just to be loving, but the real root key is to be unconditionally loving. So that means… it doesn't mean like if you deserve it or you did a lot of stuff and now you deserve my time and energy or that sort of thing, it just means that no matter what, you're worthy of love. And that is a really… that's like the greatest gift you can give yourself or anyone else. And so my biggest aspect of getting to peace, peace is really the absence of judgment. It's like it doesn't have to be great or it doesn't have to be bad, it just is. And that place is not like something has to happen to sustain it, you can just be okay with the current situation. You used the word ‘acceptance’, which i think is really a big piece of it is, it doesn't mean that you love it, that you're glad that it happened, it's just that you accept that this is the current state of the way that things are and it's okay. And I think when it comes to being self-love, it's accepting all sides of yourself. And when he said that in that talk, it reminded me of the time when I really came to love myself no matter what. Because I really realized that, I learned better through failure than I do from wins.
Jen Riday: Oh!
Anne Adametz: Unfortunately, I’m that kid. I was that kid, my parents would love to tell you that I was that kid that made the mistakes, that got into trouble, that like, you know, always had to push the boundaries, that disagreed, that was a strong personality. But what do we need right now but strong personalities and strong people? So I think, you know, loving myself and when I teach others how to get there, it's like, “Why not love at all?” Like you can't just love, “Oh, I like it when I do a really good thing or I'm really proud of it or someone tells me that, that they're proud of me.” That's really great and I like to surround myself with people who do love me unconditionally, but I'm not always going to get that. So it's up to me to love those other sides that aren't so great. And that's where the real work comes in is to really accept the really dark parts of ourselves.
Jen Riday: Wow! “Why not love it all?
Anne Adametz: Love it as much; love it all.
Jen Riday: Ooh! Yeah. Well, if we achieve it, we have become, you know, peace masters, right?
Anne Adametz: That is exactly right. That is right, let it go.
Jen Riday: Anne, I'm totally loving this. And I just want to give you the chance to take the conversation where you think it needs to go. So you talked about unconditional love and peace is the absence of judgment, what else is important for creating that inner peace in the middle of chaos?
Anne Adametz: Well, I think that's something that's difficult for us to wrap our heads around is that, it's a practice. Because I think we think that, “You know, if I just get to somewhere, then I'm going to be peaceful.” Like I did a 10 day meditation retreat, I've done it twice now, where you go for 10 days, you don't read, you don't write, you don't talk, you don't make eye contact, and you meditate for 10 hours a day for 10 days.
Jen Riday: Wow!
Anne Adametz: And it’s like an intense experience. It's called Vipassana, and it's a fantastic experience. It's a horrible, amazing, you know, mind-bending experience. But I think like, we set ourselves up to say… like, when I went to that, I'm like, “Okay, when I get done with that, then I'm going to be peaceful, then I'm all done.”
Jen Riday: Right.
Anne Adametz: Or, “When I get this thing done, then I'm going to feel peace,” or, “When I… you know, want to let my kids grow up and get out of house finally, thank, God then I'll be peaceful,” or, “I never want this to end, I want it to always be like this, and then… then I would be peaceful if it was always like this.” And it's always like we set up a lot of conditions around ourselves, but it's really the practice. And I think practicing peace all the time is where it's at because it's practicing and, not just one it's easy to practice peace or practicing self-love when it's easy to love yourself, it's practicing it all the time; especially when it's hard, and practicing that period of it. So the practice, for me, begins right in the morning when I wake up. I used to get up and start getting up and start doing my to-do list in my head or I started to say like, “(Gasp),” I started the anxiety thing, right? Like where you scare yourself with every single thing you have to do in the next 6 weeks, “Oh my gosh!” and you just don't even want to get out of bed.
Jen Riday: (Laughs). Yes.
Anne Adametz: I used to do that. I was really into that for a while. But then I started thinking like, “Okay, wait a second, this isn't really working for me.” And I had listened to this podcast and they talked about, when you get up the first thing of the day; and I know it says something also I learned, you know, a lot of times but just didn't really put it into practice. But that first thought of the day is like setting your navigation. It's like, if you get in a car and just start driving and you had no place to go, who knows where you're going to end up? You're going to be at the mercy of wherever the road takes you. But if you get up and set that navigation like, for me, I know my goal is peace, right; it's the way, it's the goal, and the means. And I say to myself when I wake up that first thing in the morning is, “Okay, I'm going to breathe in peace and I'm going to breathe out whatever else is there. And I'm going to let whatever else be there, I'm going to look at it when it goes. I'm just going to be noticing what was there in the first place; what was already coming up.” And I just take that moment to practice that, “This is my alignment.” And I call it like ‘align and shine’ or whatever you want to call it. But I take that moment… and of course, my mind wants to go to my to-do list; there are all these things I've got to do. But instead, I keep calling it back and just train the mind to say, “Okay, peace is what I’m wanting to feel all the time, so it's the way, the goal, the means. So I'm just going to breathe it in and wait until I fill up with it.” And that's what I did before I got on this call. It’s just like, “Okay, no matter what happens, it's just this is what I'm here to do; this is my job,” and so that practice. And then when I used to be like, “List, list, list,” and, “Worry, worry, worry,” I would get up with that energy and then I would go wake my son up. I’d be like, “Come on, John. John, come on, let's go to school.” And I'd like push him onto the bus and it was just this frenetic really agitated morning.
Jen Riday: Uh-huh.
Anne Adametz: Because I would be a vibration of worry and anxiety and all of that.
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: And I was just yeah littering it around my house; like I was the environment of that.
Jen Riday: Wow.
Anne Adametz: And so when I changed that and there was some transition period so it's a practice, right? It's not a perfect right off the bat, there was a transition period. But I committed to doing that every morning and then I just thought, “All I have to do is thought, word, and action is peace. And if I don't know what to say, it's time for me to be quiet and just leave and go downstairs and make breakfast.” Like if John… you know, if my son didn't really want to do that that morning, then I would just be quiet and walk away and just take my energy and myself and move it. And over just a really short period of time, he started just coming right along and getting up and coming down. And the other thing I would do is go in the morning and say peaceful and kind and loving things to him right off the bat. Like I used to be like, “Come on, get out, it’s time to go,” and instead I was saying,, “Hey how you doing this morning?” and, you know, rubbing his feet and wishing him good morning and telling him all the things that I really appreciate about him and, you know, how kind he is and just how awesome he is. Who doesn't want to wake up to that?
Jen Riday: Yeah, really. Oh man.
Jen Riday: Mom of the year award. (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: Yeah, right; not every day, but some days. It's some days I will take that but not every day, let me tell you.
Jen Riday: Right.
Anne Adametz: There's a lot of struggles, you know, and we've got, you know, a lot of challenges that we've come up against. And in parenting, my gosh, it's an up-and-down thing, you know, just like anything else. But I find that if, you know, even when I struggle or even when I am working through some of these challenges, that I'm so grateful that I have a route in this teachings and that I know where I want to end up. And so even if I dabble in chaos, which all of us do, right, it's like I know, “Oh, peace is the way, the goal, the means; thought, word, and action,” well, sometimes I get up and go, “Ah! I don't like this! I don't want this to happen,” and want to fight all day long.
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: But… yeah. Oh yeah.
Jen Riday: All you can control is you though, right? Yeah, mm-hmm.
Anne Adametz: That's exactly right. And so if I invest some of my energy in chaos, then I'm going to get more chaos. If I invest on my energy peace, it's just like… what I’m grateful for is I have a really short karmic wheel. Like the other day I went out to my car and I opened up the car door and it hit me in the shin and I was like, “Ah! Okay!” you know? And then I slammed my car and it hit the seat belt and bounced back and hit me again, and I was like, “Oh, okay, alright.”
Jen Riday: (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: It was like, “Alright, I got this. (Exhale) breathe,” because, you know, it's coming back to me. And luckily my wheel is fast and I can see it quickly; it's not years down the road that I'm dealing with this Karma, it's quick. So I'm like, “Okay, how much more time do I want to spend in that wheel?”
Jen Riday: Yeah, tell us more about the karmic wheel. I haven't heard about that and I just it sounds interesting.
Anne Adametz: Well, I really like karma because it's kind of like the cheat sheet of like what's coming back to you; it's kind of like future telling. But it's this concept that, what I put out is what's returning to me. And it can be like Law of Attraction in some ways, although Law of Attraction doesn't really allow for some past life type issues or things that come up like, “Why is this happening to me?” And that's where a lot of people get tripped up like, “Well, hey I had all this stuff that I didn't expect to come back to me,” but we're not aware of all of the actions that have been taking place for whatever how many, whether you believe in it or not, lifetimes or even this lifetime; we're not aware of every single action we took or the kar… or the reaction that would come from that. So it’s this basic concept that, “Every action has a reaction.”
Jen Riday: Oh.
Anne Adametz: And like my action out the car, slamming the car, I had a literal reaction to that. I put out this harsh energy, it came right back to me. And it might not come back right away. It might be that I put it out, it might be like I said something about someone and it didn't come back to me; well, now it came back to me through some other way.
Jen Riday: Right.
Anne Adametz: And it's about saying that, “Okay, well, I can't control the past armor that I put out, but I can start fresh right now and put forth everything I can. So whatever comes up, even if it's like past old stuff, greet it with peace.” And whatever other people's karma, you know, you come into contact with other people, “I can't control what they do but I can control my actions; and that would be with peace.” And even if it's got to be a strong conversation or it's got to be a strong boundary I've got to put up, I can do that peacefully and with a lot of kindness.
Jen Riday: Oh yeah. Well, what does that look like; a strong boundary that's done with peaceful kindness? Because we talk a lot about boundaries. Let's say your teenager, John, is doing something you don't love and you need the boundary there, how do you handle that?
Anne Adametz: That is a really good one. With the boundaries, you always start with what is the most sacred. Because when you put up a boundary it's a fence, right, and that is something that is protecting the most sacred thing to you. So I always start with, “What is the thing that I'm really trying to protect here?”
Jen Riday: Ah!
Anne Adametz: And I deeper into it and tried to understand at first. Because there's no sense putting up a fence that I don't even know what I'm protecting, because what do I care if somebody runs over something I didn't even know what it was there for anyway?
Jen Riday: Yeah, yeah.
Anne Adametz: So an example that I use often is one that was really difficult, but I did do with my family. There was this kind of culture amongst some of my family where… it wasn't even my immediate family, but it was part of my family that would kind of talk behind each other's back; you ever know anybody like that, you know?
Jen Riday: Of course. (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: And they would kind of talk negatively. And what I realized, I got off the phone one day with someone who was talking negatively about another family member, and I thought, “I don't feel so good about that conversation. I really don't feel good.” And so I used my techniques, it's like, “What was I just thinking about? What was going on there?” And I was like, “Well, you know, it doesn't work for me when I talk negatively about my family. I love my family and that's not unconditional love, for me.” And then I come back to when I'm building a boundary I ask, “What can I do to make sure they don't do it again?” because I'm not responsible for them, I'm responsible for me. And so I asked, “What will I do and what are my boundaries?” So I take full responsibility and say, “For me, that doesn't work. For me, it's not okay to talk negative around other people. And so what will I do?” here comes the fence, “What will I do?” And what I decided what I'll do is, I will say something. Like, either I'll say, “I don't want to talk about that,” or I'll say… or I'll change the subject, or I'll say, “It's time for me to go now,” and I'll give myself an exit plan because that's not something I want to partake in.
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: So what I decided to do then was communicate this; which was a really interesting process also. It's not necessary to communicate this in the way that I did, and it was risky. But being who I am and doing what I do, I felt like it was a great opportunity for me to share my lessons and not… not belittle anyone, but totally take responsibility for what I was going to do going forward. So I sent out an email that said, “Hey, you know, what's something that's really important to me is our family,” and I started with what my goal was, for me, and I spoke in ‘me’ terms, not anybody else. And I said, “You know, something that really bothers me is if other people talk about negatively about my family. And so, for me, what I intend to do is not do that. And so if that happens when I'm around or within a conversation with me, please know I'll change the subject or I'm going to ask the staff or I'm going to lead the conversation because it's really important, for me, that I show unconditional love to our family. There's enough people out there that aren't into that that I can, you know, not have to deal with. But, for my family, that's something that's really important to me and I want to be a leader in my family in that way.”
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: And right away, I got a lot of calls like, “Are you mad at me? What happened there? What…” and everybody…
Anne Adametz: Because we're… we come from a Catholic family; we have a long line of guilty consciences.
Jen Riday: Uh-huh.
Anne Adametz: And I said, “No, it's not that, but I do want you guys to know that this is really important to me and I love you guys. And that goes for all of you,” even the ones they were talking about like… like that, “It doesn't matter to me who it is, but this is what I will do.” And so that's how boundaries work for me, is about what I'm going to do and what my actions are. Not that I'm going to stop everybody from doing that; that's their karma. For me, it's about what I do with what happens to me.
Jen Riday: Yeah, “You can only control yourself.” Well, your themes I'll come back together; it's so beautiful. Have you written a book, Anne, or you're going to write a book? Because I hope you will. (Laughs)
Anne Adametz: Oh, you’re so sweet; you’re so sweet! I actually have written many books.
Jen Riday: Oh!
Anne Adametz: And they are all in shambles because I try to always put down every single thing I've ever learned in the world into one book and then it becomes really boring. But I have been working with a friend of mine and I'm working on a book that's a little bit more diagram based and more like bits of wisdom-based than… and so it's becoming a lot more authentic. I think I thought I was going to start to write all this stuff down it was going to be awesome, but I really want it to be something that you can flip open a page to, that you can feel like, “Oh yeah, that's what I needed right now. Okay, good”
Jen Riday: Yeah, I love that style of book. Well, speaking of books, what are your favorite books?
Anne Adametz: Well, there's so, so many that I love that should be something that, you know, other people want to pick up. And one thing that I like to use, it's not exactly a book, I think of it as an unbound book, but I like the Archangel Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue. And the reason I like these cards and… is because a lot of us, it's hard to hear our inner voice because we're so trained to make sure that everybody else is okay and listened to other people or what we should do. And my training is to listen to yourself and to go inward for that wisdom. And sometimes it's hard to hear that and I feel like these cards are a really cool way to learn, really positive, really kind, really loving messages, unconditionally loving messages about your current situation. And you can just… I don't know if you've ever opened up a book just to a page and like, “Yes, that's what I needed right now.”
Jen Riday: Mm-hmm.
Anne Adametz: This is kind of like that because you can whole a few cards and then read about what the cards mean. And some of the cards that I really love are like relationship harmony or you can pull a card ‘take back your power’. And it just gives really helpful insight on that, it's all okay and this is a normal part of life. And they're very, very supportive and kind and loving. And they’re messages… if you believe in angels, they’re messages from your higher self in that form.
Jen Riday: Uh-huh, yeah.
Anne Adametz: And so I really love that and I had a lot of people get a lot from having these cards to go to when they're really struggling. Just pull 3 cards and listen to what, you know, your higher self is helping you with.
Jen Riday: Oh, love that. Well, I want to tell our listeners, we'll have links to everything you talked about; those oracle cards and your website. And also, you have a guided meditation gift for us, right? Tell us a little about that.
Anne Adametz: Yes, I do. You know, I talked about like my morning routine is getting up. And actually, one of my friends, she took this meditation and… or one of my meditations, and she made it her ringtone on her phone. So… so what she does is, she set her alarm in the morning, and instead of a like a, “(Alarm sound),” it's actually me that comes out there and says, “Good morning! It’s time to meditate!” And so you can buy yourself an extra 10 or 11 minutes in bed and just really get aligned. And you don't have to do a darn thing; you can just sit back and listen.
Jen Riday: Oh, that’s smart.
Anne Adametz: And get into that space, yeah. So that's my good friend, Amy, and so I really… I wanted to give something. My teachings, I feel like, I want you to be able to turn around and teach them now, like in this minute and like tomorrow, any of this stuff. And so I hope that, you know, this is one of those things that you can take around and turn it around really quickly and, you know, use it tomorrow morning if you want to and give yourself that chance to take back your morning, restart, refresh, and align with that peace for yourself.
Jen Riday: Awesome, yeah. We'll have that meditation on our show notes page at jenriday.com/110. Thanks so much for sharing that, Anne, I can't wait to do that. And, gosh, to have it as a ringtone and just do while I'm still in bed, yeah! I can do that!
Anne Adametz: Well, I… Jen, I just want to say that, you know, getting ready for this show and just listening to the podcast, I’ve got to tell you that what you're doing is really special and really absolutely needed. And I've just listening to some of these stories and I was thinking, with every person, you know, sometimes they have another job, I'm like, “Oh my gosh, they have another job? They can be doing this full-time!” I mean, it’s just, “I need to hear this wisdom.”
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Anne Adametz: And I feel like years ago, we all would have sat around and listened to each other and helped each other and used our whole life experiences to do that; and you're just creating a space where we can do that. And so what you're doing is very special and important and I just want to thank you for this.
Jen Riday: Oh! Well, thank you. I mean, I love hearing stories from everyone and yours was no exception. But before we go, I do want to ask, “What does it mean for you to be a vibrant and happy woman if you had to narrow it down?
Anne Adametz: For me, it's being here in this present moment, being love, like really choosing to be that environment of love, and letting go of all the rest of it.
Jen Riday: Wow.
Anne Adametz: That’s the job; that’s the life.
Jen Riday: “Be love and let go of the rest,” hmm. And how about a challenge from you to our listeners and then remind us again where we can find you, and we'll say goodbye.
Anne Adametz: Okay, awesome. Well, my challenge is that, to download the meditation because it's something I really did create in thinking about, “How can I help you? How can I give you something that will make it so easy you don't have to do more in your life, that you can just enjoy your life more?” So if you can get up and try this meditation or any meditation, there's Insight Timer is an app, and give yourself that time in the morning to just align and shine, I feel like it will really help you to take your day back and feel good about life and just enjoy this; what you have.
Jen Riday: Oh, that's so great. And, again, that awesome meditation is on the show notes page at jenriday.com/110. Anne, I'm so glad I got to interview someone that lives so close to me. Everyone, you could be jealous because I know Anne in person.
Anne Adametz: Same here; I know you.
Jen Riday: Thank you so much for being on the show, Anne. This was fantastic.
Anne Adametz: Thank you, Jen.
Jen Riday: Thank you so much for listening and I hope it gave you some uplift and some inspiration. For those of you who would like to get your hands on that guided meditation that Anne talked about, you can get it on our show notes page at jenriday.com/110. This is episode 110, my goodness! The time flies! And I love every minute of it. I feel so privileged to get to sit across the microphone from these amazing, amazing women and to get to hear about their lives, but then also, to get to share it with you. And I hope that we're all shifting upward together, rising up, stepping forward into our strengths and our ability and our intuition, and using our gifts to make the world better. I want to challenge each of you listening to be a light; be a light. Find the light for yourself and then be a light to others because we make the world a happier place in the process. I am so grateful you listened. Thank you for being here. I will see you next time, and until then, take care.
Outro: Thanks for listening to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast at www.jenriday.com.