158 Transcript: What Do You Truly Deep Down Inside Want For Your Life? (with Jill Stanton)
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JR: You're listening to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast episode number 158. We’re talking about living a life that is aligned with what you really, really want deep down inside and to do it fearlessly. Stay tuned.
JR: Hey, ladies, welcome back to Vibrant Happy Women. I’m Dr. Jen Riday and this is the place to be if you want to be the most vibrant, happy version of yourself. We have an amazing guest today named Jill Stanton and she is going to be sharing her story of trying to do it all, trying to achieve it all with an online business with a baby and then hitting that burnout point where she realized, “I don’t like how I’ve been feeling. I feel exhausted. I feel constantly stressed.” And I know all of you listening can relate. Well, the cool thing about this story is she decided to change everything and it’s really inspiring what she did and it will inspire you to realize, hey, you can change everything, too. You don’t have to continue to feel stressed or overwhelmed.
Speaking of stressed and overwhelmed, Jill inspired me to host a workshop for you guys. Now, it’s not like other workshops I’ve hosted before, this is a live chat with me and a panel of women. We’re going to be talking about developing a Jedi/Ninja-style of showing up on this planet. I know, crazy, right? Yoda will not be there (laughs) but we’re going to be talking about tools and strategies that will help you have consistent energy and consistent calm and consistent focus and positivity. I’ve named the workshop “Be the High Vibe You: Replenishment and Energy Workshop” and
JR: Hey, my friends, I am talking with Jill Stanton today and she's the co-founder of Screw the Nine to Five where she and her husband, Josh, help transform unsatisfied employees into dangerously successful entrepreneurs. This online business of theirs gives the skills, resources, and inspiration that people need to grow their online businesses, helping them be able to work whenever they want from wherever they want. Jill is also a new mom and she has an inappropriate love for trashy TV and isn’t afraid of a tall glass of gin. Welcome to Vibrant Happy, Women Jill.
JS: Thank you so much, I’m so excited. I’m like as you're reading that, I was like, “Is this an inappropriate bio? (Laughs)
JR: No, no, no, it's great, it's fantastic. It gives you a bit of flavor so we can have something to chew on and you're not just this generic person on the microphone.
JS: Certainly not (Laughs). I’m stoked to be here.
JR: Yeah, thanks for being here. So I’ve kind of known you through my online endeavors, through the circles we run in, through online marketing and all of that. I think I heard of you first through Amy Porterfield. But I know you just had a new baby.
JR: How old is he now?
JS: Almost 1.
JS: Like 10 days away from being 1….
JS: … so it's been quite a year. (Laughs)
JR: Yeah, yeah. And I also know it became a year where his birth was a catalyst for a lot of changes and getting your life aligned. Well, a lot of our listeners today are also moms and wondering what they should be doing with their lives, and I think this will be really helpful to have you share your story of finding that alignment and that clarity in your business and in your life, how you balance everything, how you know what to do rather than what you should be doing.
JR: So I guess let's start off with a quote and then we'll go into your story.
JS: Yeah. So my favorite one… I kind of change them all the time, but there's a few I live by, “What got you here, won't get you there,” that's one of my like go-to mantras all the time. But a mantra or a… just like a reminder, the thing I try to say to myself first in the morning is, “I’m the type of chick who gets everything she wants.”
JS: And the reason I’m doing that is because I feel like, for so long, especially before I had my son, truthfully, it's funny how that happens, I was so wrapped up in the fear of judgment and just not really playing full-out and kind of just second-guessing myself and feeling gripped and crippled by self-doubt. Even if like anyone who follows The Screw, and I know that there may not be a ton of people in your world who do, but just anyone who does in my world would probably be like, “What? She kind of says anything she wants. How…”
JS: “How is she gripped by that kind of fear?” but it was so true. I just never let it stop me but it doesn't mean I didn't deal with that. So that's the mantra I’m currently on repeat every morning so that I can set that intention and really like feel strong throughout my day.
JR: So, “I’m the type of chick who gets everything she wants,” that's the mantra?
JS: That's the mantra.
JR: What do you think you were afraid of? You said you were second-guessing and afraid.
JS: Of looking a fool, making the wrong move, of making mistakes, of failing, of like what people would think, what people will say, just a lot of fear of judgment stuff really. I had a really rough background with some heavy-duty bullying throughout high school. And as I’ve been just really digging into like that level of exploration through my beliefs, that's really started coming up into my awareness around, that really impacted how I was showing up for a lot of years and things that were kind of scaring the crap out of me all stem from that. So like, “Oh my god, what will people think? What will people say? Will I look stupid?” like…
JS: You know, it just… it just really took me down for a few years.
JR: Okay, I have to address this really quick.
JR: I’m actually blown away that you were bullied. So I’m imagining…
JS: Oh yeah.
JR: … the Jill Stanton that I know is confident and could never ever be bullied, I can't even imagine such a thing. So who was the Jill Stanton of high school and how have you shifted that?
JS: She was definitely someone who would not stand up for herself.
JS: Which I think is why I’m so mouthy now (Laughs)… because it built me into who I am, for sure. But, yeah, I mean, you get surrounded by enough chicks like taunting you or just threatening you, you will shut your mouth, for sure.
JS: Like, I had 40 girls barricade me in my car, like it was just…
JS: It was terrible.
JS: It was terrible. And I hid it all, like my parents had no clue, because I was so scared.
JS: My dad was a principal, there was no way I was going tell him because I know what he would have done, he would like march us all down to the office, you know, I was like, “That's just to make my life worse.”
JS: So, yeah, I just kind of grinned and beared it, I was so scared for a good… I mean, it even went started in junior high, so I had a good 7 years of it straight.
JR: Oh my goodness.
JS: And I’m still working through that, I’m still trying to forgive that, but I keep trying to come back to the level of gratitude that it's created me… or it's made me into a really strong person, even if I’m just still peeling back those layers.
JS: But it's very much why I’m probably so mouthy and zero f’s about a lot of things because it’s…
JS: … probably a defense mechanism I have.
JR: Did you need to do some therapy? I mean, how'd you work through that? It sounds…
JS: I didn’t really.
JR: … all really traumatic! (Laughs)
JS: Yes. I think I… I don't know, I don't know why I never did therapy around it. I think I’m really just over the last few years only realizing how much of an impact it had in my life. I mean, I’m 37 now, right, so that was literally 20 years ago and it's taken me this long. But it certainly impacted my female relationships, absolutely, it takes me a long time to trust or get close to some chicks, especially if they seem a bit volatile, like I steer very far away from those kind of women. But I think I always just like put on this tough exterior, like, “No, I’m a tough… I can take it, they won't take me down, I’ve got this.” Like, I would just grin and bear it.
JS: I just got through it. And I guess…
JS: I just had this warrior perspective around it where I very much thought, you know, kind of like what I’ve been saying, like, “I refuse to let these women take me down.”
JR: Ooh, that’s amazing. And now, you're a total… I guess I’ll say it, you're a badass, I think.
JS: Thank you. (Laughs)
JR: So do I hear some Canada accent in your voice?
JS: Did I say ‘about’ in a real…
JS: … weird way?
JS: I’ll probably say in ‘uh’ and ‘about’.
JR: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
JS: Or I’ll say… I’ll start a sentence with ‘sorry’ at some point, for sure. (Laughs)
JR: Yeah, yeah. Well, where are you from in Canada?
JR: Oh, Toronto. And that’s…
JR: Yeah. Well, that's funny, I have another friend from Toronto and she said a lot of Americans will pretend they're Canadian when they travel.
JS: For sure!
JR: And she'll…. but she said, “You can always tell when they're lying because they'll say, “I’m from Toronto.”
JR: So you said it right, I know you're real.
JS: The other ‘t’, for sure.
JS: Anytime someone says, “Oh, you're from Toronto,” I’m like, “You aren't.”
JR: Exactly, exactly; oh, that’s funny. So Josh, your husband, is from Australia, where'd you guys meet?
JS: Yeah, actually in Toronto. So before I ever dipped my toes into the world of online business (because he was the one who taught me all of that), I got my certain web TV, but like when web TV wasn't a thing, like in the days of MySpace. Anywho, so I was moving to Australia with a girlfriend of mine because we were shooting a web TV show, a travel show.
JS: And through that, we serendipitously met Josh's, at the time, business partner and his now-wife. And so I got to know them because we were moving to Australia, they were from Australia and so, you know, conversation. And they said to me like, “Oh, you should meet our friend, Josh,” and because I was a few weeks away from moving, I was like, “Well, is Josh hot.”
JS: Like, I’m not going waste my time, I’m like moving. And they were like, “Don't even worry about it, he's a bachelor for life, he's never had a girlfriend,” and I was like, “Sounds perfect.” (Laughs)
JS: And so we met and he literally wanted nothing to do with me.
JR: Really? Oh my gosh.
JS: Nothing to do with me. He wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t sit beside me, he wouldn't sit across from me, he sat diagonal to me and ignored me. So obviously I was like, “Mmm, must have!” (Laughs)
JR: Ah, interesting.
JS: And just over the course of him being in Toronto for 2 weeks, we just really started to hit it off and then, you know, just had some really great conversations. And I remember one time we went up to my cottage, him, myself, and his business partner and wife, and he was saying to me… like we were on the dock just chatting, and all the sudden, he's like, “Do you want to get married?” and I was like, “Well…” or, “Do you believe in marriage?” and I was like, “Well, yeah, my parents have a great marriage. Like, I’m not in a rush, but it's certainly something I believe in.” And I was like, “Do you?” and he's like, “Nope, I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe in girlfriends and I don't believe in love.” (Laughs)
JR: Ah, oh gosh.
JS: And I was like, “Have you ever been in love?” and he was like, “Nope, and I never want to be.”
JS: And I said to him like, “All it's going take is one girl to come into your life and like turn it upside down,” and in my head, I’m like, “It's me, you idiot!”
JS: And then from there, we just… like there's a whole story. Like, we met up in Vegas, all this stuff. Like, he was living in Beijing at the time and so he went home. I was getting ready to move to Australia, we knew we wanted to meet up again. He was like, “Well, what's in the middle of Beijing and Canada?” and I was like, “Vegas.”
JS: And he actually came over from Beijing to Vegas for 3 nights…
JS: … and that's where like high school style asked me to be his girlfriend. (Laughs)
JR: Aww, and it was his first ever; that’s crazy.
JR: Aww, that’s great. Way to go, you cracked that tough nut. (Laughs)
JS: Yeah, conquered it (Laughs) so now I’m the one and only, I love it.
JR: That's awesome. And now, you have a baby, what his…? I don't know if you share his name online, but…
JS: Yeah, Kai.
JR: Kai, K a i?
JS: Yeah, K a i, yeah.
JR: Oh, that's pretty, that's pretty.
JS: He’s the sweetest.
JR: So I guess I’ve been guiding this conversation, but what's your low point you want to tell us about for the show?
JS: Well, it's probably about a year of them. (Laughs)
JS: But truthfully… so we had a real breakout year in 2016. We made a ton of money, we went in our business from like making 90 grand to up to 336, I think… or sorry, 436, and it was just this splashy, exciting, flowy, abundant breakout year.
JS: And so in 2017, we were like, “Yes, let's keep going, we're going make 2 million dollars!”
JS: And as we set that intention, like all of a sudden, we started just doing things that didn't really feel great to us. Like, we were pushing ourselves to spend a lot of money because quote-unquote that's… ‘you have to spend money to make money’ and you have to hire a big team and you have to have like all these Facebook ads. We're doing everything that everyone told us we should do.
JS: And at the end of 2017, we were feeling so burnt out, so unaligned with our business, we just didn't know what to do. We just chalked it up to me being pregnant, us being stuck in Canada during the winter and like didn't really think anything of it, but it was mixed with like so many breakdowns; on my end for the most part…
JR: Yeah. (Laughs)
JS: … of like true fear and stress around becoming a mom. For me personally, I was just like, “Am I going like it? Like, I don't even know. Will I have time to be present? I feel so tethered and trapped by this business, I don't even know how I’m going care for a little tiny human because I have 800 members inside a membership community that I also have to take care of.”
JS: And so I was just like so stressed out and so confused and so unsure of whether I would like being a mom, right? Josh and I both were never people who were like, “Oh my god, I can't wait to have kids!”
JS: We just always were go with the flow and we realized that this was a new chapter we wanted to take on and all this stuff. And as it was getting closer and closer, the fear just got so real for me and I was 2 weeks overdue, all my birth plans went out at the window, like everything just…
JS: … was piling on the stress. And I remember it was like probably exactly around a year ago from now, and I was sitting on my closet floor, sobbing my eyes out, Voxing… do you know Voxer?
JS: Yeah, so voice…
JR: A walkie-talkie app.
JS: … texting.
JR: Yeah, right.
JS: Yeah, voice texting the mindset coach I had hired inside Screw You.
JS: Voice texting her, just like having an emotional breakdown, being like, you know, “I don't know if I’m going like this,” and I’m like, “I hate my business right now,” and like all this stuff. And I just… I hit send, which I was so crazy for me because I usually would have been like, “Whoa, glad I got that out, delete.” (Laughs)
JR: Yeah right.
JS: And she just wrote me back like… or she Voxed me back like, “You're in charge of this. Like, you can make the choices you want to make to set your life up for the kind of life you want to have,” and I was just like, “What does she mean by that?” And so I just kind of let it go, I finally went into labor (thank God), I had this fantastic birth experience, which is great because it happened all in 4 hours.
JR: Wow, way to go!
JS: It was so intense but hugely impactful for me. And after that, it was the first time we had really ever taken a break from our business. We had never really like… even our vacations, you know, you always check in with work, I was always on, I was always thinking about it. We even took a one month sabbatical in 2017, and I think I probably hated most of it because I couldn't turn my brain off, I was stressed, I was worried. And then when Kai came into our lives, our brain finally had a break and was just flooded with joy because we had this tiny little human who was happy and sweet, and thank God, quiet.
JS: And it just allowed us to have some mental whitespace…
JS: … for once in our 6 years at that time in business together. And from there, we just started asking ourselves these questions like, “Is this what we really, really want? Like, do we want to go back to the old way, to doing things we thought we had to do, things we should be doing because that's what quote/unquote ‘successful entrepreneurs’ do?”
JS: And we just started asking ourselves, it took us quite a few months, right, because all we just kept coming up against was, “No, this isn't what we want. Okay, cool, but what are we going to do about it?” you know, we didn't have any answers. And I remember finally in June, Josh and I were sitting out on the patio and we're having a drink and he said… like, we were just so burnt out, we were wondering if Josh should leave the business, like things were just feeling so chaotic behind the scenes. He said, “Do you want to know what business model I think we’d really loved the best?” and at the time, I was so jaded, I was like, “Nothing!”
JS: And he was like, “No, we have,” and I was like, “Well, what?” and he's like, “It's affiliate marketing.” And from there, it was just like the heavens opened, it was like a, “Ah!” moment and we just had this huge clarity, huge sense of alignment, huge sense of relief because we realized, “Okay, cool, now that we have this insight, we had this clarity that this is where we want to take our business, this is how we start to feel light again, this is how we start to enjoy things again, this is how we get back into the flow, well, shit, that means we have to shut down everything that doesn't feel light.”
JS: “We have to shut down everything that feels heavy, we have to shut down everything that is keeping us stuck, that is keeping us where we currently are, because where we currently are is not where we want to be.”
JS: And so once we had that clarity, we had to go to bat for the future we wanted to create for our business, ourselves, our life, our family, and our future. Like, I didn't want to tell Kai or show Kai that, “Yeah, be an entrepreneur and you're still going feel like you have a job,” you know what I mean? I want to live by example, I want to show him that he can be brave and courageous and make bold choices in the name of what he wants. And so we sat on it for a few months to make sure like, “Oh my god, are we actually going to shut down the big piece of our business?” which was at the time our monthly membership community called Screw You, and it was making like $330,000 a year for us.
JS: That's a big revenue source to cut off.
JS: And we realized like there's literally nothing else we'd want to do. Like, I can't even think about continuing to go for another year because I am doing everyone in that membership a disservice by showing up for them in a way that is unaligned, jaded, resentful. And so we announced at our live event to our members, actually in the city, Vancouver, Canada, in the city where we started that membership site.
JS: So it was such a full circle moment for us, it was so cool, I cried. (Laughs)
JS: But everyone was so supportive and loving, I mean, they called themselves Scramily, like the Screw Family, so it was a real big decision for us to say like, “We love you, but this just doesn't work for our lives anymore,” and to say goodbye to that chapter or to close that chapter in order to start the new one. But that all came from our darkest moments, like that breakthrough happened because of those breakdowns. And while it was so painful to go through it at the time and it was met with all the tears and all the tense words and all the frustration and all the what-ifs, I would do it over and over again because of how I feel now.
JR: Mm, I love that. Breakdowns that led to breakthroughs.
JR: Wow, that's brilliant. So how does life feel different now?
JS: Oh my god, light, ease, like ease-y, e a s e-y, aligned, flow, abundant, full of possibility. I have my schedule back, I don't have to… like, I would start my day by looking at my phone and being like, “I should probably go into the Facebook groups to make sure like everything's okay, no one's spammed the group, no one's complaining, no one asked questions,” like that's how I start my day, it always felt so heavy. And now, I start my day, I go for a walk with my son, I listen to audio books, I have coffee with my husband, and we set our own agendas. And I truly believe that that is our current reality because we pushed through that fear of the what-ifs and we truly got clear on what we actually wanted for our lives and then went to bat for it. We made choices that people thought we were absolutely insane for. And just the freedom or ease I feel because of it, the alignment really is just… I would do it all over again, truthfully. I feel proud of ourselves, like I truly see… I said this to Josh, “I feel so proud of us for doing something most people thought we were insane to do.”
JR: So, many people listening might be thinking, “Okay,” maybe there's a mom listening who says, “Maybe I want to write a book,” or, “My kids are all going be in school in the fall, maybe I should go back to work. How do I know what my purpose is?” So as you were making that decision, how did you know it was the right one? I mean, that's always the question, how do you know…
JS: Mm, yeah.
JR: … which direction?
JS: Okay, so this is an exercise I heard from Danielle Laporte, and it's heavy versus light. And it literally is my gut check for everything. If I’m ever trying to make a decision, a big decision in our business or life, I gut check it against this. So when you think about making this move, this decision, this change, does it feel heavy, i.e., you kind of contract inside, you kind of sink a little, you kind of do… you do a little shallow breathing, you think, “Oh, what's that going to look like? Will I like this?” or does it feel light? Like, do you get a little spark inside that excites you? Like, even if it is going be challenging or take a while to build up or, you know, you're not sure how you're going get published or, you know, what job you'll get if you go back to work or whatever, if it sparks a little thing inside you that feels light, that feels easy, that feels exciting, that lights you up, that brings a little fire to you, that, to me, is alignment. That is a sign that you should listen to what that little whisper inside you is screaming for you to do.
JS: Because if we don't tap into that, that is our intuition, right, we always know what is best for us. I think a lot of people don't listen to it because they're scared of what they'll find.
JS: I know I didn't for so long when things were feeling unaligned in our business. Now, I just want to clarify, for so long, I loved our membership site, right? We had it for 4 years, and for 3 of those, I loved it. But once I stopped loving it, I was so scared to ask myself why, like, “What does that mean? What does that mean for our finances? What does that mean for what we're going to do next? Like, what does that mean for me as a leader, a community leader, a community builder, this person who has like yapped on and on and on about the power of membership sites and Facebook groups, and here I am shutting all of those down, like what does that mean for me?”
JR: (Laughs) Right, right.
JS: Right? I was so in my head, I was so scared to ask myself that until I was no longer scared to ask that because I couldn't take it anymore. And I think if we just really want to figure out what we truly, truly, deep down inside want for our lives, we have to be prepared to ask those questions and then answer them, and then, the worst part, either make a decision to stay where you are, stay stuck, stay feeling the same coast, or you make the choice to go for it, you make the choice to change things, to go to bat for your future, to create the life you want. And those 2 choices will yield you very different results, but it starts with asking yourself what you truly want.
JR: Beautiful, that's fantastic. So what's your business model now? I mean, you said affiliate marketing…
JR: … but you also still have the Screw the Nine to Five community.
JR: What's that look like?
JS: So I have screwtheninetofive.com, right, that's our brand, and affiliate marketing is our revenue model. So affiliate marketing, just in case anyone isn't familiar with it, is simply you are connecting your audience to the people, products, services or tools that you use, like, or believe in. And you do that through a link, an affiliate link, which has a tracking code, and if someone clicks that link and goes through and makes a purchase, you get a commission. And so the reason we decided to evolve our revenue model from one of digital products membership sites and coaching is because we want it to be time zone independent. We are currently in Florida, I’m about to go to Toronto for a quick sec to get Kai his shots, then we're going to San Diego, then Australia, then Bali. That would not have been possible if I was tied to a schedule of live calls, deliverables and helping out our members. So we really wanted a way to still make a ton of money, obviously (I mean, we're entrepreneurs, we want to make impact and income), but we wanted to do it in a way that allows us to shine a light on the things or people or products or programs or events or tools that we use, like, or believe in in our business. And our big struggle with The Screw was that, you know, it wasn't just known for one thing, we are a online destination for up-and-coming entrepreneurs, and up-and-coming entrepreneurs need a lot of things in their business.
JS: Right? They need to grow an audience, they need to sell them what they want, they need to, you know, deal with the tech side and the operations and the billing and the money and all of the things. And then we're not even talking about things like relationships and health and family and investing. And all these factors that impact entrepreneurs in such a big way, we were feeling pigeonholed by just talking about membership sites and communities and we wanted to expand. And so affiliate marketing allows us to talk about a lot of things and get paid if someone does choose to go through and purchase something or join one of our bonus experiences. So we team up with some course creators who teach certain things, and if someone joins throughout our promotion, they also get the bonus experience we've created. So there's like coaching calls with us or maybe live events or there's additional training, we change it for every promotion we do, but it still allows us to serve our audience in a huge freaking way, but it allows us to layer in this like momentum fueled, unstoppable form of passive income.
JR: Yeah. And is your audience finding you through a podcast, a blog, YouTube?
JS: Kind of all the things, so podcasts, big time, Google search, like organic SEO, big time.
JR: What's your podcast called, Screw the Nine to Five?
JS: Screw the Nine to Five.
JR: Simple, okay, got it.
JS: I’m so creative with my titles.
JS: Yes, so Screw the Nine to Five podcast, and then organic SEO organic traffic from Google, and then social media; and then ads if we do ever run ads. We have a quiz coming up, all of that kind of stuff, we're doing free challenges, so all of that. And then this kind of stuff, I take audience building really seriously so I’m always looking to get on other people's shows and spread the word and make a dent in their audience's day because I know over time, that compounds and it stacks on each other and that's how I’m building the movement.
JR: Nice, that's awesome.
JR: And your goals going forward as a mom; shifting a little bit.
JS: Mm, yeah. So, I mean, it's just so many layers to it, right, as I’m only 1 year in and I’ve just… I’ve such a lightning-fast of lessons in giving myself permission, being gentle with myself, and being unapologetic and being the kind of mom I want to be. So I’m the kind of mom who needs a lot of space. For months, I tried to not be that person, but I show up best when I am not momming 24/7.
JS: That I need space to take care of myself, I need space to build my business, I need space to hang out with my husband, I need space to like just go for a walk sometimes by myself and listen to audio books or journal or do things that matter to me.
JS: And so this last year has been a true lesson for me in allowing myself to be the kind of mom I want to be, and giving myself the permission to do things that people may not agree with, right? So I’m a big believer in having as much childcare as I possibly can. Like, I am so excited to go to Bali because we're there for 2 months and the nannies are $6 an hour.
JS: I’m just like, when I was booking that, I was… it's an Australian run nanny service but they're in Bali, and I was saying, “Okay, yeah, we'll take 20 hours a week,” and she's like, “Okay, great, it's $6 an hour,” I was like, “What? We'll take 40.”
JR: That’s so great.
JS: So now, I have time to, not only build our business, we're doing a free pop-up group during that time, we're there for Josh's brother's wedding, and I got time to go do yoga, go sightseeing, take all the IG pictures I could possibly get my hands on, hit the spas. Like I really…
JR: Ah, that’s great.
JS: … am looking forward to 2 months of pure abundance and just giving myself the space that I feel as though I need in order to show up and be the absolute best mother I can to that little boy because he deserves it.
JR: Yeah, exactly. And how do you define good mom? Because… well, let me ask, has anyone shamed you or tried to shame you for not fitting in the mold of quote/unquote ‘good mom’, you know?
JS: You want to know who… and this is so sad that I have to say this, it was actually a nurse at a breastfeeding clinic I went to.
JS: Because I was having… yeah, and I told my midwife about it and she was like, “I am pissed about this!”
JS: “I’m filing a complaint!” because…
JS: I was like, “I didn't even know you could do that. Sweet!”
JS: So I had real troubles breastfeeding and I got hit with back-to-back mastitis and it was just like the most emotionally draining experience. I was in pain the whole time and I hated it, and plus I had hyper supply. Like, in 6 weeks that I was breastfeeding, I had 50 frozen bags of milk, plus I was pumping all the damn time, like I just had hyper supply. And so I was going to a breastfeeding clinic to be like, “Please help me, I’m in so much pain, I hate this so much.”
JS: And the woman said, “Look, I just want to make sure you know that you're making this choice for yourself and not for your…”
JS: “… your newborn son.”
JS: And I was like, “Thanks.” And then… and in case that wasn't enough, she goes, “Because I know you want to run your little business, but being a mommy is time consuming.”
JR: (Gasps) (Laughs)
JS: And I just looked at her, I was so over it at this point.
JR: Oh my gosh!
JS: And I just looked at her, I was like, “You know what? First off, I’m very aware that being a mom it's time-consuming, I’m only 6 weeks in and I can tell. Second, it’s not a little business. Third, this is why women feel so much shame around making the choices for their own mental stability, mental health, and emotional well-being, because it's people like you who say stupid shit like that,” and then got my meds to dry up my milk supply and stomped on out there (Laughs) and told my midwife.
JR: Oh my gosh, that’s horrible.
JS: I was so angry.
JR: That’s horrible.
JS: I was so angry.
JR: And in the end, what do you…
JS: I’m sorry for swearing.
JR: Yeah, what do you think she's coming from? I mean, thinking about her mindset, why people like her or other, you know, sometimes men do it, but I find that it's more often women, interestingly, why do you think she did it? What's really going on in her head?
JS: I think hurt people hurt people.
JR: Yeah, right.
JS: It's 100% that. She's miserable and so she was taking it out on me. I mean, fortunately (aka, not so fortunately), I’ve had a lot of experience with women being kind of dickheads.
JS: And so like when that happened, I was like, “Ah, story of my life dealing with this kind of chick.” But I truly know that when someone's miserable inside, they don't actually mean to show up like that, it’s just they can't help it because they're just so wrapped up in their own stuff in their own heads that they'll do anything to make someone feel less than or as crappy as they feel so that it gives them a little hit of feeling better or like that they're better than us for some weird reason. And the worst part was that she was quite an older woman, like she was easily in her 60s, and so you would think that, you know, she would have seen this time and time again. I mean, you're a nurse at our breast feeding clinic, surely you have people come in and with different problems, right? And so surely you'd be a bit more empathetic to that, but I think either I caught her on a bad day or she just really hates what she does.
JR: Wow, that's sad. Have you seen other examples of women ‘shoulding’ all over you; ‘shoulding’? (Laughs)
JS: That’s so funny, I did a post saying, “Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.”
JS: I mean, my mom, unfortunately, not in a bad way, but just like, “Jill, you really should do blah-blah-blah. Jill, you should put socks on Kai. Jill, you should have this and that. Jill, you should… you shouldn't let him cry himself to sleep. Jill, you shouldn't do blah-blah-blah. Jill, babies shouldn't need to be sleep trained this early. Jill, blah-blah-blah,” like all of that kind of stuff. Her and I have kind of butt heads recently over a lot of that kind of stuff because I refuse to have someone dictate how I should raise my kid. I feel like I am never doing anything to harm him or give him a poor experience. My number one focus is him, but my number one focus is also showing up in the best possible way for him, and therefore I need to also take care of myself. Or I don't want to have to constantly rock a baby back to sleep, I want to sleep-train him, he is one year old, you know?
JS: He should be able to do that and I shouldn't have to be guilted for making a choice that feels best to me. Or like my mom said, “You don't really need a nanny that much,” and I was like, “Are you growing a business?”
JS: “Like, do you think you know what it's like? No. So then please don't tell me how I should do things or shouldn't do things.”
JR: Isn’t it funny.
JS: I just let that stuff roll off the back now too because of very… I don't know if anyone else found this but I have a feeling a lot of moms have but like my F levels, like how many F’s I give about anything tanked the minute I became a mom.
JS: Like, I became very zero F’s and I just really gave myself the permission to do the things that I believe will best serve him because I want to raise him to be a rad little human. I want him to be generous and encouraging and positive and abundant and strong and brave and adventurous. I’m never going do anything that puts that stuff at risk. And so I just constantly try to remind myself of that if people do give me their loving, unsolicited advice.
JR: Yeah. And I think, you know, I’ve had the same thing with my mom and lots of other women, we don't realize what could be possible so we try to tell others to do it the way we think it should be done because it will validate us to some extent. So, yeah.
JS: Yeah. And I found that before I had him as well, like so many women… I really struggled to find anyone who told me anything positive. That's why I think I was so stressed because I was met with so many negative stories around giving birth, going through labor, having a baby, what that means for your life, what that means for your marriage, what that means for your schedule, like no one told me anything good.
JR: Wow, wow.
JS: Which is really sad because I had the exact opposite experience. And I sometimes say like, “Maybe the key was going in with no expectations.” (Laughs)
JS: Because so many people told me so many bad things. But I feel like a lot of women try to scare other women, I don't know if it's just so like you're prepared. But anytime a mother or soon-to-be mother asks me for like, “What was it like?” I always say like, “I’m not looking to share war stories, like I’m only going tell you the good things.” Like, I had a really great birth experience because I intended it to be a really great birth experience, you know? I did it natural. I kind of broke the rules of the hospital and did it in the tub, even though I wasn't supposed to.
JS: I… like, I really did things the way I wanted to do things. And I remember actually my sister-in-law said to me, “Oh, Jill, you're never going be able to do this without drugs, like the pain is next level,” and I was like, “No, pretty sure I’m going give it a go,” and then she said like, “Get ready to like kiss your social life goodbye, and like you and Josh are probably going have a lot of fights,” and I said like, “Leah, I’m an entrepreneur, man, like Josh and I are entrepreneurs. If you don't think we are used to crisis or stress or ups and downs, like you’re crazy because that's like our day-to-day life.”
JS: “We have built our relationship around being partners in crime, you know, like we're each other's support system, the last thing we're going do is allow a tiny human to take that down for us. Like, we have been through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I feel like if we can tolerate that and come out on top, we can certainly tolerate a tiny human.”
JR: Exactly, oh that's good, I’m glad you stood up to it. And for anyone listening who would like to be more like you with the con…
JR: … the confidence… no, that's really cool, the confidence to know, “Hey, this is how I’m doing it,” what helps you to stop listening to those ‘shoulds’?
JS: Hmm. I mean, I probably do dwell on them in the beginning, but then I have to gut check myself around it, right, like, “How do I want to experience this?” because we have that control. At any given time, we can control the experience we have by the minds that we bring to it, the beliefs we form around it. And so one of our… my true intentions, especially with birth, was surrender. I just wanted to surrender and be present to it.
JS: And so that is the… and I had Josh who was a true support system then and anytime, because after every single contraction, I was like, “Screw this, I can't do it. Give me the drugs,” and he was like, “I just want to remind you…”
JS: “… that you said that you wanted to surrender to this experience and do it natural. And if you do get drugs, you're going have to lie on your back,” and I did not want to lie on my back.
JS: And so I was like, “Okay, I’ll go, I’ll do one more!”
JS: Like some old school, “I’ll do one!” (Laughs)
JR: Ah, that’s great.
JS: And so I really… I try to keep my intentions and my goals and what I want for myself…
JS: … in the back of my mind at all times. And then have the courage to go for it because look, you can find a ton of people out there who are willing to play small and who will absolutely encourage you to play small.
JS: But if you don't want that for your life… if you want a life of magic and like these cool surprises and things working out better than you ever imagined them to be, you have to do things you've never done before or you have to show up in ways that you've never shown up before. You have to take control, you have to be a little ballsy, and you have to be unapologetic about the life you want to create for yourself. Because if you don't show up that way, other people will dictate how your turns out and that's the worst thing you could do for yourself and your kids.
JR: Ah, for sure, for sure; couldn't agree more.
JR: Well, Jill, let's shift and talk about a few of your favorite things. What does your morning routine… (Laughs) or any routine you might have with a baby look like…
JR: … right now?
JS: Cool. So in the morning, I wake up with Kai early because I’m an early riser anyway. So he typically gets up at 6:30, I make us breakfast, I have a coffee, we hang, and then I have what I call the “wake up and break up”. So when Josh is awake, we go about our separate ways. So I go do a workout or a walk and listen to an audiobook while he watches Kai, or I’ll take Kai on the walk with me and he'll go do his stuff, but we very much like separate in the morning so that we can get our workouts in, set our mind sets up to be as strong as we can throughout the day, and just give ourselves some time to really set our intentions, get clear on what we're going do that day, and then when we come back together, we're a force to be reckoned with. So that has become a very pivotal thing in our mornings is our wake up and break up, so that's number one, that's my morning routine. And then did I already say coffee? Because that's certainly involved. (Laughs)
JR: Yeah. What time of day do you come back together? Is it about noon?
JS: No, like 9:00.
JR: Not that… oh, 9:00, okay.
JR: So you’re up early, okay.
JS: Yeah, I am.
JR: Oh, I like it! I want to wake up and break up with all my kids.
JR: “I don’t want to see you guys.”
JS: All 6 of them. (Laughs)
JR: “Good luck getting on the bus, I’ll see you later.” (Laughs)
JS: “See ya!”
JS: Is this bad to say? Like, I’m really looking forward to when Kai can go to school. (Laughs)
JR: It’s not bad, it’s not bad. You know, that's one thing I say on the podcast a lot, the greatest gift you can give your kids is your own happiness. And we think it's all the stuff we do…
JR: … but I think if you show up in that vibrant energy, that's the greatest gift. That's my belief so, pretty awesome.
JS: I could not agree more with that. And just like allowing yourself the permission and space to do that.
JR: Mm-hmm, exactly.
JS: I love that.
JR: Cool. Okay, so you wake up and break up…
JR: … and then you come back together and then work, I assume?
JS: Showers… well, right now, we're in Florida, my parents were supposed to be here but my dad got sick so they had to go home. So right now, we're childcare-less for the first time (Laughs) ever.
JS: So we're like, “Okay, what do we do? How do people function like this?” (Laughs) So we've been doing like I’ll take the mornings with him and then he'll work, and then Josh will take the afternoons and I’ll work. Now, obviously, we're shooting in the morning right now, but I have a whole day of interviews so he's taking him for the day and then he'll work during nap time. So we're very much divide and conquer. But when we're at home and in a regular routine, we… typically, our nanny comes for like 9:30 or 10:00, him and I will work straight until about 4:00, and then we'll break and we'll hang with Kai. And then we do these things called ‘Friday Kai-day’…
JS: … and we have 3-day weekends. So it's just family time where we can be present with him and hang and play games and, you know, go on experiences and really live our message, you know? Like, Screw the Nine to Five is all about permission and creating the life you actually want to live. And so we take that very seriously and so… I mean, I’m shooting this on a Friday, don't say anything.
JS: But typically… (Laughs)
JR: Yeah, yeah, we’ll edit that out. (Laughs)
JS: … we very much stick to that routine so that we can go hard for the 4 days that we have to work, and then for 3 days, it's all about our lifestyle.
JR: Okay, I’m noticing this fun thing you do where you give things names.
JS: Yeah, I love it names.
JR: Like ‘Wake up and break up’, ‘Friday Kai-day’, what else do you have?
JS: Hmm, this might be wildly inappropriate, I don't know.
JS: I call him al-Qaeda if he's really going nuts.
JR: That’s so good, that’s so good.
JS: So that’s… that’s another one.
JR: Okay, yeah.
JS: Oh my gosh, I probably have a ton of them. Like, I would have to come up with them in the moment.
JR: Oh, that’s hilarious.
JS: I’m trying to think of… I mean, I have my lean green and mean smoothie that I do, but hmm…
JR: That's good.
JS: … I’ll have to think of that. Sorry if I interrupt you when I come up with…
JS: … more that I have.
JR: We need a Jill Stanton quote book or, you know?
JS: An isms book, for sure.
JR: Isms, exactly.
JS: Yeah. (Laughs)
JR: Exactly. What is your favorite happiness tool?
JS: A nanny. (Laughs)
JR: Hmm, there you go.
JS: Can I say that because…
JS: … literally, that is. (Laughs)
JR: Yeah, so you can have time.
JS: And my audio books.
JS: I’m currently reading ‘Secrets of the Millionaire Mind’ by T. Harv Eker, I love that book right now; seriously, seriously obsessed with it.
JR: Yeah, it's a good one.
JS: And I know I’ll read it multiple times. And before that, it was a book called ‘Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself’ by Dr. Joe Dispenza, and I read that one 4 times because it's a book about neuroscience and quantum physics, so that explains why I had to listen to it 4 times.
JR: Ah nice, that's a good one too.
JS: Yeah, those are probably 3 of my big happy tools.
JR: Nice. And favorite easy meal.
JS: Right now, it doesn't sound easy but I can whip it up so fast because I’ve been making it for so long, but I love steak salads; which is so random.
JR: Ooh, yum!
JS: But I cook it in butter, coat it in garlic, and then I am the type of person who likes steak with it still kind of has a heartbeat, so it's like really rare and juicy and then met with like this wicked salad that I make, spinach, arugula, cucumbers, peppers, feta cheese, and then lemon, olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper; oh, so good.
JR: Yum, that sounds really good.
JS: So good.
JR: Your favorite life hack.
JS: Mm. I mean, my wake up and breakup has been a pivotal one. Josh and I have been doing that for years, even before we had our son. We've been doing that since probably 2013, starting our mornings that way. And that alone has really helped us stay strong in our marriage, our business, and just in our own mindsets. And then I very much like just having a few quiet minutes to say my mantra, like, “I’m the type of chick who gets everything she wants,” and I also very much focus on like the outcomes I want or what I want my life to look like. That has been my ultimate life hack in that it… it's allowed me to show up in the best way possible.
JR: Mm-hmm. And what does it mean for you to be a vibrant happy woman?
JS: Giving myself the permission to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whoever I want, however I want.
JR: Ooh, whatever, whenever, with whoever, how did that go?
JS: To do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whoever I want, however I want.
JR: Oh yeah.
JS: And I’m going throw in another one, from wherever I want. (Laughs)
JR: (Gasps) Yeah! I love that.
JR: Wow, that’s freedom! Love that.
JR: Okay, let's have a challenge from you to the listeners and we'll say goodbye.
JS: Mm, alright, cool. I absolutely want you guys to sit down and ask yourself what do you truly deep down inside want for your life. What does that look like in your career? What does that look like in your marriage? What does that look like in your personal, emotional, mental stability (Laughs)? What does that look like in your healthy living status? What does that look like in your social circle? What do you truly want your life and work life to look like? Answer that and then ask yourself, “Okay, now that I have this clarity, what am I willing to do about it?”
JR: Mm, wow.
JS: That will start breaking out some big things for you. Because once you have that clarity around what you really want, you have the choice to go for it or to stay where you are. And I have a feeling that, hopefully at least, after listening to this, hopefully a lot of women will have the courage (if they don't already) to go after what they truly want, because, hello, we're all happy vibrant women, that's what we're here to do. And by doing that, by living our best life is how we truly show up in a vibrant happy way.
JR: Exactly, couldn't say it better. So, everyone, you can find more about Jill at screwtheninetofive.com, and we will have a show notes page as well at jenriday.com/158. Thank you so much, Jill, it was a pleasure.
JS: Thank you, I loved chatting with you, thank you so much.
JR: Take care.