179 Transcript: Allowing Your Authentic, Creative Self to Shine (with Jill Kane)
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JR: Hey, everyone, I am talking with Jill Kane today, and let me tell you about how I found Jill Kane. So all of you know I interviewed Sara Bates a while back, somehow there was this friendly cool person that commented on my Instagram post and so I looked at her post and I thought, “Oh, we're connected through Sara Bates,” and so I watched some of her Instagram posts and I liked them. Well, anyway, her name is Jill Kane and she lives outside of Philadelphia with her husband and 2 kids, and she is a visual artist and started after the birth of her first child. And Jill is a huge fan of Brené Brown, she loves researching and spending time on therapies like EFT tapping, doing energy work, meditation, prayer, and she loves essential oils, and she's making a huge shift. She's a really light filled person, which is why I asked her to be on Vibrant Happy Women. Well, anyway, her mantra is, “I am enough”, but funny story, when I first glanced at it, I said, “Your mantra is ‘Lame enough’ what?” and so we had a good laugh. But, anyway, you can learn more about Jill at jillkanedesigns.com, but let's go ahead and dive in. What's your mantra today, Jill? Like, I didn't just say it?
JK: Thank you so much for having me, I'm so excited to be here. I've been listening for a while so I'm excited to get to talk to you in person.
JK: Yeah, it’ not, “Lame enough.”
JK: Although a lot of points in my life, I can point back to being lame enough.
JR: (Laughs) Why not? Can you and I just make that our dual mantra, “We're lame enough. We don't have to be any more lame”?
JK: True, I have faced the lameness of my personhood as amazing.
JK: So that sort of goes go with, “I am enough,” wherever you are, whatever you're doing, it is all okay, everything is okay.
JR: Yeah, “I'm enough,” and, “I'm lame enough,” I love both, that's good. Okay, well, what quote would you actually like to start with today?
JK: It's actually a part of Brené Brown's TED talk. If you haven't seen it, it's pretty fabulous.
JK: The first one, and it's about worthiness. And so the quote is her talking about people who have worthiness and people who don't, and what the number one thing is that people connect with in regards to the worthiness. So the quote is (this is her speaking), “If I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness, a sense that they are worthy of love and belonging and folks who struggle for it, folks who are always wondering if they are good enough, there is only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it, and that was that the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe that they are worthy of love and belonging; that's it, they believe they're worthy.”
JR: Oh, just a belief.
JK: Yeah, as simple as that. Let's just, you know, wrap it up right there, everyone, head on out and believe, there you go.
JR: (Laughs) There you go, exactly.
JK: Not that easy, but it's probably one of the hardest things you could possibly do, but it was amazing to me that it was that simple at the same time. It wasn't like, “First, you have to meditate and do your oils and then try this and then that,” and this long list of things you have to do and then you were, you know, worthy.
JK: It was about belief. And I was like, “Oh, goodness, okay, that's a mindset shift, that's an attitude shift, that's a perception shift. That's not a long list of things, that's not becoming perfect, that's not shifting all of these actions, it's more internal, energetic.”
JR: Yes, I love this.
JK: It felt more palpable to me, yeah.
JR: Yeah. And I'm super excited about this because I've been talking in various places about how belief comes before any behavior change. We have to believe it first, so this is my… one of my favorite quotes, thank you for sharing it. Well, let's dive in and hear some of your low point, and it can be big, it can be small, I just think everyone can relate to some low point that you have to share, Jill.
JK: So my low point was… it happened after the birth of my son, and the first few months were okay, right, it's that 4th trimester that you're kind of getting to know each other better, you're getting used to each other. But he shifted as a baby around 3, 4 months and I am Gretchen Rubin’s Questioner…
JK: … so for me, it was like a whole new set of questions showed up, I had no idea what the answers were. And any time I went out into the universe to find an answer, there was so many options. And no matter what I tried, I always felt like I wasn't good enough.
JK: I just could never quite get to anybody's perfect standard, and it really started to impact my sense of self. So I hauled my butt to a therapist and started to begin to process through, you know, how to find answers to questions that worked best for me. And in that process, we really began to unravel my sense of worthiness. And it was actually kind of surprising to be honest because I had thoughts up to that point I had really loved myself and remember being in a therapy session and she's like, “Yeah, I don't really think that you love yourself as much as you think you do,” and I was like, “Yeah, I kind of agree with you. I really don't think I love myself. What do I do now?” So we kind of spent the next 2 months looking at where my worthiness had been, like what it was in, which a lot of it has to do with job and title and role in my family and relationship. So all of a sudden, all those things were gone.
JK: I was just (I say just loosely), just a stay-at-home mom, a new mom. And so I had to begin to rebuild back this sense of who I was, where that came from and what I believed I was here to do, and not even do, but be; like what was my being going to be?
JR: It's so fun, it's almost like stay-at-home mothering strips you have every title and then you have to stand there naked and truly find your own worth with no one else telling you it's there. It's really awful and cool at the same time. (Laughs) So…
JK: Yeah. I don't know if this is everybody's mothering… stay-at-home mothering journey. It feels pretty common in the circles of people I'm running in…
JK: … but it definitely was mine. And it’s interesting too because, you know, I don't come from a perfectionist background.
JK: Actually, I come from more of a quitting background, to be honest.
JK: So, you know, I have a bunch of friends who were like, “I always have to be the best, I have to get a great,” I was like… I was fine not being number one somewhere along the way.
JK: Like, I made it so far and a bunch of stuff being just okay. But the interesting thing was when I became a mother, I did it for a few months, I was like, “That's great, I'm so glad I did that. Now, I'm ready to quit and be done.”
JR: (Laughs) Yeah, “Send him back, come and pick him up.”
JK: “Send him back,” and I could not figure out a legal way (Laughs) to send anyone anywhere. And so I figured, “I've got to figure out how I can't quit.” And what was interesting too is I had started making art at the time. So I had a good napper, so my son was a good napper so I had this free time and I wanted to try to make some art. And so I had taken from the classes online and, you know, the key story is that I took a hand lettering class and so I got most of the tutorials and the videos and I got these pens and they showed up and I picked them up and I tried it out and it was just awful. It was a kindergarten class, I couldn't believe it, how bad it was, I threw the pen and I just quit.
JK: And got this also when I was in therapy at the same time with the (unclear) [07:37] thing. And so it was probably a month or 2 later that I came back to trying again and realized that the particular pen I actually bought, it's called a dual side pen. So one side is this fancy swanky brush pen that you have to have all this amazing skill and wrist movements coordinated, and the other side it's just this hard nibbed pen…
JK: … that when you write with it, you can create all these different kinds of letters. And then I learned something called faux calligraphy, fake calligraphy that I could go in and create the (unclear) [08:05] calligraphy between a fake one. So it's fascinating how, you know, taking a step back and learning how to give myself permission both in art making and mothering eventually led to this shift in career, led to the shift in mothering, really led to this complete shift of mindset. And it's almost like I adopted an entirely new equation for how to have my own life flow and how to set goals moving forward, and it's been transformational.
JR: So the first time it felt like a failure, all you needed was a better tool, would that be accurate?
JK: Yeah, I don't think it's just the tool though, I think it's the mindset, because I had the right tool the whole time, I didn't realize it.
JR: Oh, you weren’t using it right, yeah.
JK: It was the fact that I wasn’t giving myself… I wasn’t using it right. And the energy and the mindset around it is really what made the big difference because, you know, first time out trying something, my mindset was, “I'm not good enough, I can't do this. This is too hard,” and I quit. But the shift in energy after I had done some therapy, I had adopted a mindset of, “I am enough, I’m worthy of love, belonging, and connection,” I could sit down with the art and still make mistakes and say, “Even though I'm disappointed, even though I'm frustrated, I'm going to choose to give myself permission to try again and gather information and try again.” It was as if I had taken my worthiness out of the equation. It was no longer up for grabs, it was no longer up for dibs, it's just simply about like a skill.
JK: And it shifted everything, it was really, really… pretty cool.
JR: So now, you call yourself a visual artist. Tell us what that means because, I mean, you obviously made it, you have a title now, you have a website, Jill Kane Designs, what do you do there?
JK: I do have a website! That also took an entire year and a half to come together. So (Laughs) that was giving myself permission to just… you know, my art business got started simply by making art; I had one kid, I made art. Brené Brown's research has been really significant for me, so I really took to heart her Daring Greatly information in which, you know, you're putting yourself out into this arena and you're giving yourself permission to try something new. And that's what I did, I just may art, I put it online on Instagram, and that's what it looked like for a really long time. And it wasn't pretty, I mean, you can go back to some of my early stuff on Jill Kane Designs and see that it wasn't anything that good, but I chose to let it be okay and let it be enough. And, you know, over time, I got better. People were like, “I can see you're getting better. Thank you so much for sharing what you're doing. I'm trying now because you did.” And then after maybe a couple of years, I am proud of it. After a couple years, people started asking you to do commissions for them, “Can you make this sign for my baby being born? Can you make a this sign for a wedding?” and then I started probably about a year ago, last January, officially kind of structuring it into a business. But, again, it was only the past February that my website came around. So little baby steps, this is so much slower than I thought it would be, it's so much slower than I'm comfortable with it being, but it's hard for me to manage children and mental health and creativity and movement, there's just only so much time and so I have to go slow. And, gosh, when I was single and no kids, it was so fast and I was so impressive.
JK: I could fast, it was so exciting. And then I had kids and then the anxiety showed up and I’d just go really slow. And, I mean, the mantra is helpful, I have to learn to let it be okay and let it be enough.
JR: Mm, that's beautiful. And you mentioned anxiety, and then in the bio that I read, there was mention of lots of the tools you're using. Tell us your favorite tools for coping with any of that anxiety that you might experience.
JK: So I'm a big fan of, I mean, traditional therapy, like I’ve been seeing a therapist most of my adult life, probably because I’m a verbal processor and there's only so many stories that the perfect people to me really want to hear me say.
JK: So I decided to pay someone…
JR: (Laughs) I hear you.
JK: … to hear the rest of my stories.
JR: Yeah. (Laughs)
JK: Right? Like, “I'm paying you, you're going to hear all of these details because I just have to get them out,” right?
JK: And… but what's interesting about traditional therapy is I did get to a point in my therapy where I thought to myself, “I've talked about this particular topic enough, something still hasn't shifted. What is happening is there was something physically that's in my body, I'm holding this energetically somehow.”
JK: And that's where tapping and energy work has been pretty amazing where I feel like I have… like I said, I processed my feelings and then some things we're still stuck, and so I use tapping and oils and my energy therapist to kind of help shift other blocks and things that just kind of get stuck inside of you.
JR: That's cool.
JK: You were just talking about tapping last week, which is amazing; it's phenomenal.
JR: And so you do EFT tapping?
JK: I do, yeah, mm-hmm.
JR: Yeah. So let's talk a little bit more about energy therapy. I'll just preface it by saying obviously, my podcast is a lot about emotion and beliefs and self-talk. And energy is a big thing I've been thinking about for the past 6 months when I think about masculine and feminine energy. And that doesn't necessarily, you know, relate to gender, but I'm starting to become aware, very strongly aware, that when I'm in more of my flowy, open feminine energy, my family relates to me completely differently. So that's just kind of some of my beginning journey with energy. Of course I know about the energy of emotions, anxiety, depression, shame are lower vibration emotions we know, and love, joy, and peace are higher, but I have never done energy work. So for those of us who haven't done that, tell us what that's like and what it feels like, what you experienced.
JK: Well, I was nervous about it because it seems a little woo-woo for me…
JK: … to be honest.
JK: I kind of come from a path that's pretty conservative and had shifted out of that a little bit, and tapping was my first introduction. I would call that an energetic therapy, right? You're tapping on certain *alidium points in the body, you're saying certain phrases and you are shifting your vibration.
JK: So the step next to that is something I hired an energy for… or a tapping coach for and she did a couple different modalities with me. It's hard to explain what even happened. The one thing that I probably love the most is something called matrix reimprinting, which is this concept that you with a guided practitioner kind of revisit a memory that was traumatic for you.
JK: And you go back to that moment as your current-self talking to your young-self.
JK: So, for me, it was specifically I remember the memory where I was in 5th grade. And so I as my adult-self went back and talked to that 5th grade girl about what happened to her, what was going to happen to her to help her know she wasn't alone, to help her know she had help and resources; there's almost like a guided meditation that you're doing. And, you know, whatever, you know, guiding you through that scenario, playing the scenario out, and then sort of sealing it in with love. And the situation changed. Whenever I think of that situation now from my childhood, there's no more trauma in my body, there's no more heartache, there’s no more sadness.
JK: The way that it was impacting my future was around the sabotage of my body and my weight and my health, and that issue resolved itself, I stopped sabotaging my eating. So, again, I can't say that that would work for everybody, but for me, it's been pretty powerful, a powerful tool to go back and sort of like heal and clear out past negative memory in circumstances that I have so that I'm moving forward with a whole and authentic-self walking forward into the future.
JR: Yeah, that's so good. And I've been reading different books, but my understanding is, you know, people think, “What? You're talking to your younger-self? What the heck is that?” but really, every single experience is present in our brain as if it's still present. I don't think our brain really tracks time the way we do, so whenever we experience something that's maybe closely wired together with that experience from our past, those same emotions come up again and again and again because what's wired together fires together; and so it makes perfect sense what you did. And, you know, tapping also reminds me a lot of EMDR therapy, which stands for something long, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, which is so effective that the US military has most of its PTSD veterans experiencing PTSD do EMDR therapy; so I think it's really cool. So tapping to me is similar, but is that the energy work you're talking about is just doing the tapping or is there… are there other things you've tried?
JK: So the energy practitioner that I worked with did matrix reimprinting and she did something called body code with me. Again, I can't even begin to explain what body code, it was the sort of her as the unique petitioner just kind of helping to clear energy for me and through me.
JK: Again, so woo-woo, right? Like, as we're talking, people are like, “Who is this girl and why do (unclear) [17:23]?” (Laughs)
JR: No, it’s okay.
JK: Because it just sounds weird. The guide that I'll send most people to is tapping. Tapping is the easiest, it's the thing that will clear your anxiety faster, in my opinion, and you can do it by yourself.
JK: You don’t need to get a practitioner. I love it, I love working with an energy coach for that, I have a tapping coach I work with, she's amazing. If people want to find her, her name is (unclear) [17:47].
JK: And she’s on Instagram, she's on Facebook, she does guided videos, but tapping, you can do by yourself, right?
JK: I am trying to go to bed, my kid is sick, I'm feeling nauseous and anxious, they’re going to wake up through the night, I set my diffuser on it, I put some oil on and I start tapping.
JK: You know, I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm feeling uncomfortable, and my energy will shift immediately. So as someone who gets anxious often and readily, it's been amazing, it’s the thing I recommend most.
JR: And, you know, we say it's woo-woo, but the more I've been reading, I've been reading a book called ‘Becoming Supernatural’ by Dr. Joe Dispenza, he's a medical doctor and he so clearly explains in the book, we have areas in our body where there are massive neuron clusters like mini brains and they happen to align with our chakra centers, they happen to relate to the acupuncture, acupressure tapping points. And so there's real stuff happening when, you know, people say they're shifting energy, maybe that's just the woo-woo way of saying we're doing something actually to rewire those and neurological connections or change the emotional relationship between those neurons in all of these areas of the body; so I think it's cool.
JK: I think it's amazing and I really feel it practically. Like for example, when it comes to nutrition and eating right and moving your body, I can imagine that your average listener theoretically wants to work out…
JK: … but oftentimes can't get off the couch.
JK: So, for me, I'll sit on the couch and I will do it tapping like, “I don't want to work out. I can't work out, this ridiculous, I don't want to do this,” and getting out all of the feeling helps my body to then come forward with clarity about wanting to move my body. This happens a lot with me when it comes to money, right, I'm afraid to look at my money. Money is probably something that I've been trying to address head-on and tackle. My whole… I have a major little point about that too.
JK: But especially more recently opening my own business, I want to be intentional about receiving the money I deserve for the talent that I have, I want to be intentional about sending out (unclear) [20:00] and asking for money back and giving free gifts and charging what I'm worth. And, you know, your childhood feelings just get in the way, they just do, your childhood feelings are always sort of with you. And so tapping helps to shift those feelings out so the authentic truth of who we want to be now as a grown adult can come forward and you can be more effective in the life you want to lead now rather than sabotaging and stop and procrastinating. And I just… I turned 40 this summer and I feel like, “Okay, I don’t have time anymore for all of those negative feelings.”
JK: “I understand that they’re there, it's the human experience to have them, but how can I move through them?” Not that you will never have them, it's not that you don't rid yourself of them, “How do I move through them effectively and efficiently so that I can get on to the good stuff?” right?
JR: Yeah, exactly. Well, speaking of money and tapping, what are some of those limiting beliefs that you might have gained in your childhood? Now, we're not bad-mouthing your parents or anything, we all got…
JR: … some limiting beliefs there, but that you've been able to tap through and shift for yourself, or maybe you want to tell us the whole story; I don't know how deep you want to go there.
JK: My mini story is that I grew up in a family, I would say middle class, right, mom and dad. My mom's home with me growing up, my dad worked. I'm going into 5th or 6th grade, I'm youngest, mom went back to work full-time. And, you know, they were living the average American dream, which is, you know, “Put things on credit…
JK: … for your family to have a nice life,” and that worked for them. They, I think, didn't think to teach me anything about money. I mean, I remember going to college and my dad had done all the forms for me, and I think that I was grateful for that, I didn't have to look at anything, he was happy to help, I mean, that's just what it was. What was interesting is I actually went to school to find a husband, if I'm being completely honest.
JK: I went to a small conservative Christian college, and my brother found his wife in college, my sister found her husband in college, and I didn't have high career ambition, I wanted to be the wife of a youth pastor; that was my career goal. And I'm sure there's some listeners that are like, “Man, this girl did not have money…”
JR: (Laughs) Yeah, right.
JK: But what happened…
JR: You want to be someone who was poor, yeah; (Laughs) no, I’m just kidding.
JK: Well, please follow me now because I am so autonomous and didn't get married till 32; so it didn't quite work out as I expected. So what happened was I graduated and I was not engaged. And so I started an adult life and was wait… I just was waiting for somebody to show up and fix it, just waiting for a prince charming to show up and take care of me, and he didn't come.
JK: And so I just put things on credit card and I'll just, you know, I racked up $15,000 in credit card debt.
JK: And I got into my late 20 and I was like, “You know, what happens if nobody comes to fix it?”
JK: “I need to figure this out,” right? “If there's no one else's retirement, there is no one else showing up, if it's just me, I'm not okay with this story and how this is playing itself out.”
JK: So I went to therapy to deal with the emotions of, “Why was I buying things to make me feel better when I didn't have the money?” and I went from money coach to talk about, “How do you actually save and spend money?” because it's not one or the other. You can't, in my opinion, begin to deal with your finances unless you're starting to deal with the emotions of money and spending.
JK: So, for me, my triggers were I ate my feelings and I shopped through my feelings.
JR: Mm, it was you're numbing, your way to numb.
JK: Yeah, I was just numbing my way through hardship, right, disappointment that nobody showed up to marry me, and disappointed that I was 28, 29, 30 and single, and disappointed that I couldn't shop my way through; there's a lot of big feelings, right? And so I had to start dealing with those big feelings rather than running away from them. I had to learn how to sit in the muddled middle of the uncomfortable feeling and realize that they were not going to take me out, they were just there to teach me something.
JK: And… yeah. So, but what's interesting is I got myself out of debt, I paid off the $15,000, a few years later, I met my husband, and it was (unclear) [24:29] that he showed up and it was like whole body went, “Now I can relax again.”
JR: Mm, interesting.
JK: Where he started to manage out money and I was great with that on some levels, and then was like, “This is not it either,” right, “I worked too hard to hand this over,” or, “What happens if he were to pass away unexpectedly? I have to be involved in this, I have to know how to do this.” And it still… Jen, I have two thoughts on it. One, it still feels hard, that's the real rawness for me, but on the other hand, you know, I'm practicing using different words around it. And I think that's one of the major things I've been doing this past year in regards to money, energy, and the words you say is… rather than, “I can't afford that,” shifting the energy to, “I choose to spend my money differently right now.”
JK: Or, “Until the money comes for that, I'm going to…” I'll give a good example, it happens a lot in parenting. My kids run through the house and I have two choices, one, “Stop running through the house!” or, “We choose to walk in the house.”
JK: Two different energies, right? One is negative and the other is what we choose to do.
JR: That’s awesome.
JK: So when it comes to my money, right, my body, my weight, I have shifted my language to be more positive, hopeful, believing, and I feel the difference as a person and how that vibrates and ripples out. And I'm also aware now, right, like I've been working on healing my money story these past few years and I'm having to come up with new scripts for what it is I say to my kids about money and how they spend their money and how they choose to spend their money. And it's hard, it's hard, but it's also good. It's good to be intentional and find answers that feel aligned. That's kind of a Questioner though, right, we talked about that Gretchen Rubin’s Questioner.
JK: I often have to think through the answers to my questions ahead of time…
JK: … so I’m prepared at the time to have the answer.
JR: Oh, nice, that's cool, that's awesome. Well, so you're out of debt and tell us the cool thing you guys are doing soon; your big change.
JK: Yes! Well, we are moving, we're still going to rent again, we're still… you know, this is humbling; it’s humbling. I'm 40, my husband's 47 and we've never owned a home.
JK: And that's humbling, I mean, that’s… you know, most people have done this by now. And so we have felt shame about that, but are choosing to not do that anymore.
JK: We're choosing to trust our path, we’re choosing to trust the… kind of like the path plays itself out, and so we're still renting. But we are going to be renting an apartment on a horse farm starting in August, which is pretty exciting.
JK: You know, I am excited that we… it’s a barn that's been renovated into an apartment and there's wood beams and we look out the window and the horses are there and, you know, my kids get experience wth animals and cats and dogs and nature in a way that I at this season couldn’t provide that quite yet.
JK: And (unclear) [27:48] yet, right, the money is coming, we believe the money is coming!
JK: But until we get to that place, this is a real exciting opportunity for our family.
JR: That's great, congratulations.
JK: Thank you.
JR: And there are horses on the farm, actually live animals?
JK: There are actual live horses.
JK: The barn has a cat, 2 dogs, and 3 or 4 live real horses, which is really exciting.
JR: Oh my gosh, cool.
JK: I have ridden a couple times growing up, but I can't say that I have extensive experience. My son is scared to death of the horses. My daughter, she's 2 and a half (my son is 5 and a half), she's over the moon about it, she’s like, “Horsey! Horsey! Let’s go see horsey!”
JK: So she’s really excited to…
JK: … to make that transition.
JR: That's so awesome. So, Jill, I've been thinking a lot about Law of Attraction lately, and I recently interviewed the other Jill, Jill Payne, at the end of July, and now I'm talking to you, Jill Kane, (Laughs) but what are your thoughts on Law of Attraction and money and anxiety and all the things we've been talking about? How do you tie it all together? Because we've talked a lot about energy.
JK: We have. I have some interesting thoughts about it. One, I believe that what you believe finds you. So if you don't believe the Law of Attraction works, it's not going to work for you because you don’t believe it's going to work. So…
JK: But I believe that, if you believe, you're kind of opening yourself up to the possibility of things growing and coming towards you.
JK: So, for example, we're moving and I really wanted a playhouse for my daughter. I actually learned about this really cheap playhouse. Unfortunately, she was in the hospital a couple months ago there with the bronchiolitis type thing, but they have this really sweet playhouse in the wing of the hospital and she was (unclear) [29:38]. And I didn't have a playhouse on our farm, and I thought, “Oh, that would be a really cute idea for this new place.” And I started researching, I started to see how much money they were, we were thinking about maybe asking family for Christmas. And I was driving down the road the other day and the exact same playhouse was on the side of the road, the man was just putting it out with a sign that said ‘free’.
JK: Same color, the same color door.
JK: I literally turned the car around and was like, “Really?” he’s like, “Let me help you with it,” and I'm like, “That’s random.” Like that, to me, is energetic connection, right?
JR: For sure, for sure.
JK: For me, I believe in a… for me, I believe in God, right, and so for me, that was like a blessing from God.
JK: And so here's the twist on this whole thing though. I'm also a White woman in America and so Law of Attraction is interesting when it comes down to race. I want to talk a lot about this, but they've done a little bit of research on it, and there needs to be some conversations specifically I think around race and Law of Attraction that it's held by women of color. I’ve listened to women of color talk about Law of Attraction and they're having different experiences with the concept. Not all women of color, but some of the women of color that I follow, some of the Black women that I follow, they’re having a different conversation, and it's really helped me to open my eyes and my language around this.
JK: Yeah. I do believe in the energy of it, but I also know that as a White woman, I am involved in systems historically that benefit me, that as a person of color, they are not a part of.
JK: And so I am careful now how I move forward because I have experienced the benefit of the Law of Attraction for me. I have believed and I have seen God shown up for me and that is truth for me. And so I am quick to say yes, it works, but I'm also a White woman in America having a White person's experience.
JK: And so I'm also really careful to say that is my White-centric experience.
JK: And so that it's not universal for all people and all races and backgrounds and gender and colors. And I think it's important that it’s something that's also a part of the conversation.
JR: Yes, and I hope you will give me some names of guests you might recommend that could give us more of that perspective. Do you have some ideas?
JK: Yes, I have.
JR: Oh yeah.
JR: Okay, good. Well, we'll get that set up, just watch for it in months ahead, everybody, I'm excited. I want to like know what all these words are and the differences because, you know, that's juicy; cool. Well, let's have a quick break for our sponsor and then we'll come back and talk about some of your favorite things. So…
Alright, Jill, welcome back, let's talk about your morning routine. What do you like to do; the quick version?
JK: This is the one question you sent me that I'm the most nervous about because I am not a morning person.
JR: Okay, well, let’s shift it, your night routine. (Laughs)
JK: I am a night person, yeah.
JR: Okay, okay.
JK: Right? So my kids go to bed about 7:00, 7:30.
JK: And that is when the silence begins and it is my most sacred space of the day. So oftentimes, I go right to my desk… well, oftentimes, I'll connect with my husband, we’ll try to have a conversation about the day, sometimes we’ll watch a show together for a little bit, and then I'll kind of go off into my quiet space. I’ll make art, have some invoices, I’ll do Instagram posts, it's just the way that I can connect with myself and make something, and it's kind of my permission time. And I'm kind of up late. So maybe it’s the fact that I’m a night owl, for me, it’s this artist kinetic energy that happens for me at night. You know, so sometimes, I don't go to bed until 11:00, 12:00 o’clock.
JK: But our morning routine is sort of like getting coffee and my husband wakes up with the kids in the morning and sort of relaxes with them. We've had a really unique schedule this year when our son doesn’t have to go to school til after noon.
JR: Oh, nice.
JK: So we could sort of go super slow in the morning. I mean, my favorite thing to do in the morning is make my bed, open the curtains, let the light come, make sure my bed is made, but I have to go slow because I (unclear) [33:54] and I don't drink coffee.
JK: So a lot of noise in the morning really kind of throws me off. We're moving into a new season where I'll have to be back up in the morning again for the rest of the summer, my son’s going to be on the morning program. And when I'm in that season, my favorite thing to do is be up and out of the house by 7:00 for like a morning half an hour walk. I listen to podcasts and walk and then come back and stretch and then start the day with my kids. So it just all depends on the season I’m in and I won't start the day during that season (unclear) [34:24].
JR: That's awesome. Well, good luck, enjoy it while you can with this… you know, the sleeping in; fantastic. By the way, you mentioned Instagram, I just want to insert a little side note here. Everyone, you should follow Jill on Instagram. I don't know what it is, but, Jill, I'll just say, when I first clicked through to you, I felt this instant energy and a, “I have to know her. If I knew her in person, I would be friends with her. I love her, she's so cool. What? She's friends with Sara Bates? I love Sara too,” I was like, “Oh my gosh, I'm moving to Philadelphia area, that's it.” (Laughs) But where can people…
JK: (Laughs) Yeah.
JR: No, really, and you're very inspiring, you're very inspiring on Instagram, I just don't ever click away when you're talking, it's very fascinating to me. And obviously, I watch a lot of people on Instagram to know who I want to ask to be on my show, but where can people follow you there?
JK: They can follow me at Jill Kane Designs and it's K a n e Designs. And I just really appreciate you saying that because, you know, the people are scared of social media because anytime they hop on, they’ll look at someone's life and it's just perfect pictures and images and they feel like they're not enough. And I thought to myself, “I've had this major transformative journey, my mantra is ‘I'm enough, I am now’, I cannot create a space online where people show up and feel like they're not good enough. I have to show up in a way that shows beautiful things, right…”
JK: “… but at the same time honors what's happening that's just gritty and raw and authentic and real.” And like today, my kid graduated, it was his last day of pre-k, I took the picture of my kid and my daughter has her fingers shoved up her nose.
JK: Like, I posted that picture, I did not post the perfect pristine picture. And I think… you know, I think that my hope is that when people come across my feed, they can see someone who is working hard to believe that they're enough and is doing really amazing things when they've embraced that mindset…
JK: … but also is just human, is having a human experience with ups and downs and anxiety and, you know, moving through depression and having great days with her money, and other days, she buys an extra pillow at Target, like that's the human experience.
JR: Yeah, yeah.
JK: So… (Laughs)
JR: Yeah, totally.
JK: … if I can model that and give hope and connection, I mean, that's really my goal is to help people feel seen and heard and like they're not alone.
JK: And so what I hear you saying is that's how you felt, and so my whole soul feels happy.
JK: So thank you, that’s amazing, thank you.
JR: Well, plus you're just really funny, I don't know, I just…
JR: … think you're hilarious. But, yeah, everyone, you can look at her feed where the pictures are, but make sure… most of you probably know everything you need to know about Instagram, but if you're newer to it, at the top of Instagram, click those little circles, that's her Instagram story where she does more videos and talking, and those are the ones I really love. So there you go.
JK: If I could go back to a thing, I’d do stand-up comedy. So Instagram is…
JK: … my stand-up comedy routine. I don't know, sure, why not?
JK: To stand in front of people and make them laugh, come on is there nothing greater? And to have like a grounded sense of self and be like, “My child vomited on me last night, that was amazing.”
JK: Like that’s great, like that’s fabulous.
JR: Have you ever seen those Chat Books commercials with the blonde lady?
JK: No, I haven't.
JR: Well, her name is Lisa Valentine Clarke, I know of her in real life. But anyway, she's the actress on those commercials where her house is totally falling apart because her kids are out of control, and she walked through the house as the mom. Anyway, they're super funny, but you remind me of her, so probably someone out there knows what I'm talking about; the blonde lady on the Chat Books commercial.
JR: So, super funny, check it out, yes.
JK: (unclear) [38:11]
JR: Well, so tell us a time when you knew intuitively to do something logically zero sense, but you followed the intuition and it worked out.
JK: So this happened when I was in college. I was… like I said, I did not go to college for the right reasons, so it was like a miracle my parents got me in college and it was finally being successful, and I had an opportunity to leave college for a year to go tour in a rock band in Europe. It was a… it was a Christian thing at the time and my parents were like, “No. No, no, no, no, no, you’re not going. We just got you here, you're motivated, you’re doing well,” and I was like, “I just believe that I am supposed to do this,” they were mad and they said no. And I just kept following my intuition and my gut, and it was amazing to see that how it kept leading me towards yes and how do they also were receiving confirmations on their end that this was something I was supposed to do, and they wound up changing their hearts to have me move in the direction that I was able to go. And I went and I had this crazy experience and came back in summer school, but I am a very intuitive person. It's interesting because I didn't have a high IQ, I had high emotional intelligence.
JK: And so I feel like I've always sort of known that was my strong suit. When I saw other people testing high on scores, I was reading the room about how people were feeling energetically, right, I was listening to people's feelings. And so, you know, it was hard for me growing up because I never felt like I was smart enough. My dad always helped me believe I had a purpose, and I latched on really early that that was interconnectedness with people and listening to people. And so intuition, for me, has been a really key guide my whole life actually. So…
JK: … I don't mean that to sound arrogant, I say that to… because I'm stepping into the fullness and I believe that’s the gift I've been given and I feel confident, and I feel excited and blessed that that was given to me. So….
JR: Mm, that's great, that's really cool. Well, what is your favorite book?
JK: Favorite book! Anything Brené Brown, although if I'm being honest, I only made it through the first 2 books because then I had children.
JR: That works, that works.
JK: Right. My favorite books are anything that Sara Bates has read that she tells me a story about because she likes to read and I'm making art. So I read ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ which was really transformative, and ‘Daring Greatly’, which both kind of like sealed all of her stuff into my soul as transformative stuff. I read ‘Big Magic’ which was amazing in regards to creativity. I read some rocking books this past last year about money. Jennsen Cher’s book about money was really good, but one of those favorites was Marianne Williamson's book, this was free presidential opportunity, Marianne Williamson, ‘Divine Gift of Compensation’ I think it was called, but that one was so good. It was really about linking to who you are as a person, your spirituality and how you were created with worth and value, and of course then how that was linking itself financially and, you know, doors opening for you to do the work that you were called to do.
JK: That was a really, really good book.
JR: I haven't read that one yet and I'm going to get it.
JK: That’s a good one.
JR: Yeah, it's kind of getting ridiculous here on my interviewer end.
JK: I know…
JR: No, no, but for me as the interviewer (Laughs) I think… I think every episode I say, “Oh, I haven't read that one yet, I got to get it,” and it's kind of getting ridiculous, the books in my room. So maybe I won't get it, but I think I want to get that one because you say it's good and I like you. (Laughs)
JK: Aww, thank you, my friend. It was really good.
JR: (Laughs) We'll have links to those on our show notes page at jenriday.com/179. And speaking of Sara, Sara Bates, your friend, where did you guys meet? You said she recommends books, so like where'd you meet and what do you do together? What's your life like as friends?
JK: (unclear) [42:15]. Yeah, at the time that we met, we both had home décor vlogs, we were so cute when we were single without kids. And she posted her nursery on the website and I saw it and saw that she lived, I say near me, she’s like 50 minutes away from me, but I reached out to her and we started emailing, and it turned out that we were both pregnant and due right around the same time.
JK: And we were going to get together, she reached out to me to get together on one date and I had my baby that day, I’m like, “Sorry, I can't, I had a baby today.”
JK: “I hope we can see each other soon.” And she had her… I actually had my son on her son’s due date…
JK: … and she had her son a couple days later. So we met probably when our kids were maybe a month-ish, 2 months, in person, we met at a Wegman and just launched ourselves in our friendship. And (unclear) [43:07] because become… we’re mothers of sons for the first time.
JK: And so it was cool, we were becoming stay-at-home mothers, cool we were becoming women, and she is just… gosh, she's such a good storyteller.
JK: And she's such a loyal and true friend. She has shown me friendship in a way that not many people have shown me. And it's super little things, like I sing in an acapella group, and after my performance… one, she came to see it, and two, after she came to see it, she printed out… I sang the song… my solo was ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay, and she sang, “Look at the stars, they shine for you,” and she sent it to me, “(unclear) [43:46] with me,” I was like…
JK: We had not been friends very long, I was like, “Who is this girl? Like who is this woman that would do that for me?” And it was interesting because it kind of raised my friendship game.
JK: So I have actually been called out in the past to being a bad friend, I've had people say, you know, “You're a very bad listener.”
JR: Whoa! (Laughs) Geesh.
JK: But, well, you know, you can do it in 1 of 2 ways. You can say, “F you, we're no longer friends,” or you can say, “Oh, that's not good, I don't want to be that kind of person.”
JK: So I took classes (Laughs), yeah, I took classes on how to be a better listener. Took communication classes, listening classes and really dug in, I was like, “I don't want to be this kind of person.” But Sara showed up and I felt like she showed me just this little thing, and I feel like it helped raise my friendship game where I wasn't afraid… like I wasn't doing things in the turn out of fear or shame, it was like authentic like, “Gosh, she sent me that thing, I want to show up for her and give her back what she had given me because it felt like such a gift.”
JK: So I have a couple people like that in my life but, you know, we moved here in the area that we're living in, so it's hard to find new people. Like, I didn't have an established network when I became a stay-at-home mom, so it required a lot of intentionality, and she showed up and it just feels like the most amazing gift to me that I’d just drive 50 minutes whenever I can to see her, (unclear) [45:17] and let our kids play together. So it's never enough time, but it's just what it is together.
JR: Yeah. And she just did a book reading for her chapter in the book ‘Caesarean’, right?
JK: Yes! It was amazing. She did one in New York City which I couldn't get to live and I watched online, and then she just did one in a town near us here at a sweet little bookshop. And, gosh, she's such a good storyteller. Like I said, there's few people that been telling story that make it so real and she just has this magnetism when she speaks and how she speaks. She's so intelligent and she's just a gifted writer. And I know that she's a new writer and I think that she's… I know that she's, you know, trying to find her way and her voice has that writer, like probably belief, like belief is hard. Like for me as an artist, it took me forever to say I was an artist, right?
JK: What permission did I have to say that? I was making kindergarten crap for such a long time?
JK: Right? Permission slips are giving yourself permission to try something new, to make a mistake, to gather information and to try again. And I just see her doing that time and time again with herself as a person and her writing, and it’s magic when you see somebody else do it and it's contagious when you do it. And I've had people say the same thing to me like, “Oh my gosh, I watched you. I've been watching you give yourself permission, and I picked up a pen today and I'm like, “Oh!” Like, my whole soul feels so happy because, you know…” Something I learned from Brené is that people believe that they're either creative or they're not creative.
JK: Right? Brené even said the same thing. She's like before she did her research for ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’, she thought there were creative people and there's non-creative people, and she said, “Now I absolutely understand personally and professionally from the data, there's no such thing as non-creative people, there's just people who use their creativity and people who don't.”
JK: And unused creativity, it's not benign, it metastasizes. It turns into grief and rage and sorrow and shame and judgment.
JK: And so part of my mission is to help people to realize there's an inherent importance in making things, right? You know, Brené talks about like, “If you want to make meaning, you have to make art. The only real contribution you're ever going to make in the world is going to be born out of your creativity.”
JK: But the thing is people are paralyzed by making things, mostly because they have so much shame in their background around making. I think Brené said something like 85% of people can think back to a childhood experience where they feel shame, they remember shame, that changed who they were as a learner. And of those 85%, 50% of those experiences go around creativity.
JK: And I just think that's so powerful that there's so many people out there who are not making anything because as soon as they try, they think it's crap.
JK: And there's no system telling them, “Move through the crap,” right? There just like pick up a pen, it's not as good as my Instagram feed, and they're like, “I'm not good enough, I'm not going to try.” And they’re robbing themselves of the beauty that comes from making, like all the anxiety releasing experience that comes from just scribbling lines, you know, getting out watercolors and making shapes.
JK: It clears your mind and your energy and it's so important. So I've kind of adapted that as my life goal to help people to make again; so there you go.
JR: Yeah. Well, I love what you said about, “When you don't use your creativity, it turns into grief, rage, sorrow, shame and judgment,” I think that is absolutely true. And so many women (I would say 95%) give up all creativity at first when they become a mom or, you know, maybe they have the big career and feel like they don't have time, but then you start to feel empty; so I think it's absolutely true. You know, you said you read ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert and she kind of says, you know, “We all get ideas, and if we don't use the idea or the creativity (to add a different word), it's going to pass on to someone else, so it just as well be us,” right?
JK: And I'm not talking like Martha Stewart stuff here, I'm talking like lines and a paper.
JK: The first class I ever took was a line drawing class.
JK: Literally, I drew circles and triangles and squares and filled them in with color, and let it be enough.
JK: And circles and squares built on each other and then a circle shape turned into the center of a flower. And, I mean, I still have some art anxiety. I consider myself an abstract artist because I cannot draw anything that looks real. The only thing I can probably draw that what's real is a flower and a leaf.
JK: Like, my kids comes to me, they’re like, “Mama, draw a bunny,” and I’m like, “Please stop, don’t… please don’t ask me to do this,” because I get done, they're like, “That doesn't look like the bunny,” and I'm like, “You're right, it doesn't, but I gave myself permission to try. And in our family, it's your turn, try,” right?
JR: (Laughs) Yes.
JR: That’s so funny.
JK: But it’s true. And I see… I can't even begin to tell you. Like, I'm not sure if you're going to ask me, you may ask me, maybe I'll just jump ahead. But the challenge that I want to leave with everybody in your listening audience is this new kind of equation, if I'll call it that. And I think most people look at their lives and they think, “Okay, I'm going to set some goals. Like, I want to lose 30 pounds in 6 months.”
JK: And they set forward to accomplish that goal and they get to the end the goal and they either did it or they didn't.
JK: And they’re surrounded with shame and guilt whether they did or they didn't, and then there's fear whether they can hold on to it or not.
JK: Where I listened to a podcast from Jonathan Fields that talked about shifting things into the experiments. Take 30 days and say, “I want to move my body for 30 days,” and gather information for 30 days about that experiment.
JK: Did you do it? Did you not do it? Why didn't you do it? What time of day did you do it? How did you feel after you did it? There's no guilt, there's no shame, it's just information.
JK: And so when you shake the guilt and the shame out and you come from a place of worthiness, you have a more wholehearted ability to come forward to just really do the things that you want to do. And the equation is, one, give yourself permission to try something new.
JK: Two, gather information about that. Like I said, what did you learn about yourself? How did that make you feel? Three, give yourself permission to try again; and then just repeat over and over and over again. And at the end, you would have done beautiful things that are magical, all because you started with the permission steps.
JR: Mm, that's fantastic. And everyone who has contributed in the world follows that formula, I really believe that, you know?
JK: Do you? Yeah. I mean, I feel like I learned it from Brené Brown.
JR: Well, no, not the formula, maybe they don't outline it like that. But Einstein, he did something with the light bulb, it failed, he took notes, he tried again 10,000 times. So I think that attitude of being a scientist…
JR: … yeah.
JK: … thousand times, I mean, that's a lot of freaking times…
JR: Yeah. (Laughs)
JK: … to try something.
JR: But his success was the gathering of information, not the outcome; maybe, I don't know.
JK: And the process. Like…
JK: … my biggest struggle as a human right now is enjoying the journey.
JK: Like, my coaches are saying to me, “Okay, Jill, you set those intentions, you have these permission slips, you get what it is that you want to do, and you take no time to rest and celebrate that moment.”
JK: “You're like, ‘The next,’ right? And you're not just like 1 notch higher, you're like 10 notches higher.” And what happens is I get exhausted emotionally, spiritually, and I have to like drop myself back down because it was too much too soon, right?
JR: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
JK: Because the time crunch, I just feel like there's never enough time and, you know, the struggle is that you're looking around… this is the trick of Instagram is that you can get sucked into this, “Other people are doing more with their lives than I am,” right? And it can be this trap, and you have to really be on it to say, “That's not my journey, that's not where I'm at, that's not what I'm being called to.” It's like you have to give yourself permission to focus on your own lane…
JK: … and not look at anybody else’s lane, because their lane is not your lane, your lane is your lane.
JR: Yes, exactly. And then go back to that intuition and trust that you will receive the information you need for your lane, period.
JK: You will, you do, you will.
JR: Mm-hmm. Well, thank you, that's an excellent challenge. And the steps again are, well, get… the 4 steps, gather information…
JK: So it starts with permission, like a permission slip.
JK: “I'm going to give yourself permission to, you know, make art for the next 30 days.”
JK: And then you run the experiment. And you get to the end of 30 days and you're like, “I made art 1 day,”
“Great! You made art 1 day.”
JK: Right? “That's amazing! Congratulations! Okay, what happened the other 29 days?” right, “What got in the way?” gather the information. “What do you want to do with that information moving forward? How do you want it to impact your next 30 days?”
JK: You're not quitting, you're never… you're not never doing art again because you didn't do all 30 days the first 30 days. So…
JK: … permission to try, make mistakes, gather information, and try again.
JR: Mm-hmm, that's great, love it; well, thank you. And I'll ask you my big question, you may have already answered it, what does it mean for you to be a vibrant happy woman?
JK: I would say being a vibrant and happy woman starts with authenticity to self, giving yourself permission to let where you are be okay and letting yourself be seen by people who have earned the right to hear your story. So people are going to listen to this podcast, they’re going like, “Wow, this girl has so much energy, she's vibrant, she's amazing,” and that's true, I had a lot of that… those things going on, but I also manage anxiety.
JK: You know, I also have days where I just feel like it's really hard.
JK: And so, for me, I feel more vibrant when both sides of myself can be seen and heard…
JK: … and when I'm able to share that with people who have earned the right to hear my story.
JK: And so don't hide the fact that you're struggling, you're not alone, you know, let that be seen and heard, but also know that there are beautiful things happening in you and around you. And living that dual truth helps me to feel more connected and more along.
JR: Mm-hmm, I love it, I love it, authenticity, I agree so much. You're living such a beautiful life, Jill, and thank you for being authentic enough to share with us today.
JK: Thank you, I appreciate it so much.
JR: Well, Jill, this was awesome, thank you so much for being on the show, and you and Sara have fun out there in Pennsylvania, I'll be coming (Laughs).
JK: Thank you, we can’t wait to have you!
JR: (Laughs) Alright, take care.