355 Transcript: Finding the Courage to Play Bigger
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00:00 – Intro
Are you ready to expand your soul's capacity for joy? Then this podcast is for you. I'm Dr. Jen Riday, and welcome to Vibrant Happy Women.
00:14 – Jen Riday
Hey, friends. I'm glad you're back. I'm excited for today's topic, Finding the Courage to Play Bigger. Now, the fact is, each of us has a comfort zone. And it can be nice to be in that comfort zone, hanging out with the people we always see, doing the things we always do. But we all at one time or another also feel an urge to push into some more of the unknown territory, to expand our comfort zone, to step out of it. And that can be scary. We're going to talk on this episode about fears that stop us and how to overcome those fears to do more of the things that we're meant to be doing to play bigger.
00:56 – Jen Riday
So what are some examples of playing bigger? Well, asking for a promotion or applying for a promotion, asking for a raise, speaking up in a crowded room, volunteering to be the PTA president, baking a recipe you've never baked that's really scary to you, learning a new instrument. Speaking at a political event, whatever it is, there are ways we can play bigger. Sharing our ideas, showing up to make a difference in ways we haven't before. Could be as simple as introducing yourself to more strangers, being more outgoing in the grocery store line, being the inviter, being the creator, doing something you've never done before.
01:41 – Jen Riday
Now, before we go further and talk about the fears that stop us from those things, I want to share a truth with each of you. Maybe you can place your hand on your heart and receive this truth and notice how it feels in your body. You might even close your eyes if it's safe to do so. That truth is this. Each of you listening has lives that you are meant to touch. You have lives that you are meant to touch. OK, that comfort zone can call to us, though. Why should we go touch other lives? We're so busy. We have no time. We have no money. We can't do that. Well, I want to share another truth, and that is a truth I've learned while hosting the Vibrant Happy Women Retreat. By the way, it's in Mexico this year. You can still get tickets at JenRiday.com/retreat. At the retreat, I am often in front of a big group. sharing truths, inspiring ideas, giving them exercises, sharing stories. I have to play bigger to be on that stage, if you will. And that can be scary. But here's a truth I've learned, and I want to pass it on to you. As I firmly believe that the divine works through me, as it can work through all of us, I believe it's my job there to be a conduit for great energy to help people to heal and grow and feel uplifted and motivated. As I allow that healing, uplifting energy to flow through me, It touches everyone in the room, but it also flows right back to me. So that truth is this, as you help others to heal and grow, you will simultaneously heal and grow. Isn't that a cool truth? I didn't know that until I stepped out of my comfort zone and felt the effect of playing bigger. So really that truth could boil down to as you play bigger, you will heal and grow. Ooh, isn't that motivating? You know, we could spend all day long journaling and doing our work and reading Byron Katie and listening to that self-help podcast. I know I have one, too. But how much better would it be for our world and for our own healing and growth if we did some of our healing work through helping others to heal and grow? It simultaneously heals and helps us to grow. Beautiful, huh?
04:03 – Jen Riday
All right, so what are the fears that stop us? Well, I'm gonna start with two excuses we use. These are excuses that are actually masking the underlying fears. When we're afraid, we will say, I don't have enough time, I don't have enough money. These are huge excuses across the board when we're trying to get out of our comfort zones. I don't have enough time, I don't have enough money. I remember several years ago, September, before the pandemic, I don't remember how long ago, where I had this urge to learn the banjo. I remember growing up, we had a family Christmas, and my grandpa had Alzheimer's. And he didn't really speak or interact much at all in a lucid, coherent way at that point. But at this event, someone turned on some bluegrass music. And my grandpa's foot just started to stomp. And he was so into it. We all have heard the stories of how music can touch people with Alzheimer's. But that was so touching for all of us. I saw some tears in the eyes of my dad and his brothers because he was still there. He had always loved bluegrass music. So that kind of became a part of our family, a thing. My brother loves bluegrass.
05:17 – Jen Riday
So I had this urge to learn the banjo, but I was busy. I had six kids, right? I didn't have time for that. So I let time be my excuse until I decided, OK, this is super scary, but I'm going to put the word out there in a forum that I'm looking for a banjo instructor. Someone immediately got back and he lived in Madison. I went to my lessons every week and I learned really quickly. It was awesome, but I had to step out of my comfort zone and try to play a little bit bigger. I remember showing up for my lessons and being embarrassed, you know, that I was this 40 something mom of six trying to learn the banjo. That's kind of weird. But I was showing up and playing bigger. You can do the same thing. But remember the two excuses that will get in your way. I don't have enough time. I don't have enough money. I found the money for the lessons. I created the time and I did it right.
06:14 – Jen Riday
So underneath those excuses are three actual fears. I'm going to talk about those. First, though, there's a book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. It is such a good book. And in The Big Leap, he talks about one of the fears I want to mention today, which is the fear of outshining others, the fear of outshining others. Each of us creates kind of a ceiling effect in our lives for how happy we're willing to let ourselves feel, how visible we're willing to let ourselves be, how big we're willing to let ourselves play. And that line is essentially created by watching what our family of origin did, watching what our friend groups do. And we have to break through that line. So simply by being aware of that line, you can begin to do that. But that line would cause you perhaps to say, I can't be this happy because my parents aren't. I can't be, you know, I can't go for that career because I'll make more money than my parents did. I can't be happier than my family of origin. I can't be more successful than my parents or my spouse or my friends. Well, as soon as you're aware of those beliefs that I can't outshine others, you can start to replace them. One of the things I teach in the Vibrant Soul Membership is that we can use EFT tapping to eliminate those limiting beliefs that give us a ceiling effect, an upper limit. So, the fear of outshining others.
07:51 – Jen Riday
The next fear that underlies our excuses is the fear of not being good enough. Everyone has this fear, but we can work on it. Maybe you think you're too fat, or not beautiful enough, or not wealthy enough, or you don't have your act together enough to be the PTA president. You're not as rich or smart or connected as so-and-so. I can't do that. Well, remember, we all have the fear of not being good enough. And as soon as you put a name to it, you can start to overcome it with new beliefs. We're going to talk about that.
08:23 – Jen Riday
The final fear is the fear of what people will think or say. I call this the fear of the haters. One way to tackle this fear, by the way, is to say, I welcome the haters. If there are haters, it means my message is clear and it's reaching some people that love it. As I tell my daughter, 90% of the people might not love what you say or do, but you're looking for your 10%. When there are haters, it means you're being visible and actually being heard. So those are the fears. Fear of outshining others, fear of not being good enough, and fear of what people will think or say. Fear of the haters.
09:40 – Jen Riday
How do we overcome those fears? I have three steps for you. Okay, number one, is to communicate with your higher self or with the higher power by asking open-ended questions. How do we do this? Well, you might use prayer or meditation, but I like to recommend that you use a journal. You can open a Word document, you can write it by hand, whatever you prefer, but you'll ask questions of your higher self or higher power, whatever you believe in, questions like, what should I do next? What am I afraid of? What's holding me back? What is the most important thing I can do right now? What does my boss really need from me? What does my family need right now? How should I arrange my schedule? All the thoughts that come up as you try to think about playing bigger, stepping out of your comfort zone, making a difference, you can journal and ask those questions. Open-ended questions start with what a lot of the times. Ask those questions and then write your answer. You'll be so surprised what shows up on the page, whether you believe that's from, you know, from God or the universe or from a higher self or something inside of you at the subconscious level. That doesn't matter. Write your question. Write the answer. See what shows up on the page and take it as your truth. Whatever shows up on that page. Oh, my next step is blank. You can do this every day if you want to know your next steps each day. Okay, so write down those answers. Communicate with your higher self or a higher power. Write it down.
11:25 – Jen Riday
Number two is to choose your truth. And this can happen in the form of kind of thoughts or mantras, if you will, that you repeat often to yourself. I'll share some of the ones that have made the biggest difference to me in helping me to show up and play bigger. So here are some of those. People love that I'm authentic and real. There are people waiting for my truth or my experience. What other people think of me is none of my business. All good things are on the other side of fear. If people don't like my style or my body shape or my bank account, they're not my people. I'm showing my daughters how to go seize the day and go after their dreams. I'm an example of what's possible for women. I'm an example of what's possible for a mom of six. Healing is always two-sided. As I help others to heal, I will heal myself. Ooh, that's so motivating. I'm a vessel or servant for the divine, and the divine always uses imperfect vessels. I'm willing to fail and do the things nobody else is willing to do.
12:37 – Jen Riday
So hopefully one of those stood out to you, and I encourage you to start practicing that thought in your mind. It helps you to overcome those limits or those limiting beliefs that hold you back. Now, I want to share a Brene Brown quote. You've heard this before, but it's so inspiring. It kind of goes with choosing your truth. And that is the arena quote. Now, Brene Brown made it famous, but it was actually spoken by Teddy Roosevelt. And I'm going to change it to put the word woman in instead of man. I hope you like that.
13:25 – Jen Riday
“It is not the critic who counts, not the woman who points out how the strong woman stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the woman who is actually in the arena. whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends herself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if she fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that her place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” So, you get to decide, hey, I'd rather be in the arena with blood and sweat and a little bit of fear than not being in the arena at all. I'd rather play bigger and get out of my comfort zone than to do what I've always done.
Jen Riday
14:48 – Jen Riday
OK, number three, this one I've kind of already hinted at, be in the energy of service. Instead of what will people think? Imagine one single woman waiting to hear your story or feel safe enough to share theirs with you. Finally learn boundaries because you set them as an example. See you ask for a raise and have the courage to do the same or see you not settle in your relationships or a career that you hate. Imagine a woman watching you, witnessing your light and your positivity as you show up and play bigger. Imagine a woman who feels a sense of belonging because you invited them. Perhaps someone is uplifted by the beauty you created after developing a new talent or a hobby. Someone who feels seen and heard and valued because you got out of your comfort zone and spoke to a stranger. Now, I mentioned women, but maybe it's children, teens, men, animals, pets, horses, dogs. Imagine people watching your example, people being impacted by you just showing up. Imagine the healing that occurs as you show up out of your comfort zone, the healing and growth that others will experience because you reached out and it simultaneously comes back to you.
16:16 – Jen Riday
So to recap, remember this. Each of you has lives you are meant to touch. We all have fear, however. Fear of playing bigger. And those fears are fear of outshining others, fear of not being good enough, fear of what others will think or say about us. But that's okay. Fear can be along for the ride, as Elizabeth Gilbert says. How do we overcome that fear? Number one, ask open-ended questions and listen for an answer from your higher self or a higher power. Write them down. 2. Choose your truth, such as, all good things are on the other side of fear. Or, I'm in the arena, bloody and sweaty, and I love it. Yes. And 3. Be in the energy of service and focus on the people who need your love and skills and example. And as you help those people to heal and grow, you will simultaneously help yourself to heal and grow. And that's beautiful. And it feels amazing and aligned and energizing. So if you feel meh, Perhaps it's not a little bit more Netflix and napping that you need, but to reach out, to step out of that comfort zone and play a little bit bigger. You've got this. I'll see you again next week. Until then, make it a vibrant and happy week. Take care.
17:51 – Outro
If you enjoy this podcast, you'd love Vibrant Soul, the place to heal, transform, and expand your soul with like-minded friends. Join us at jenriday.com/vibrantsoul.