97 Transcript: Releasing Your Emotions to Improve Your Health (with Mary Shores)
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J: You're listening to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast, episode number 97.
Intro: Welcome to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast, stories of vibrant women living happy lives. And now, your host, Jen Riday.
J: Hey there, welcome to Vibrant Happy Women. I'm dr. Jen Riday and I'm here to help you heal your heart and love yourself and take care of yourself and balance your time and your calendar so that you have more time to contribute and connect and do the things you love. I'm so glad you're here. Speaking of time, I want to let you know about a free workshop I'm offering this week called ‘how to get organized and simplify your life in just 30 days’. You can sign up at jenriday.com/workshop. This workshop is right for you if you feel like you're running on a hamster wheel, going and going and going and never really getting anywhere. You know, when you first became a mom, you probably had a dream of how you're going to do it and you're going to have time to bond with your kids and make those chocolate chip cookies and then cuddle up and read a book. But the reality is, you're probably spending most of your free time quote-unquote ‘dealing with’ laundry and dishes and toys you need to clean up and kids that are whining and homework that needs to be done and errands that need to be run. And I don't know about you, but I don't want my tombstone to say, “This woman was amazing at housework.” No (Laughs), that's not the legacy I want to leave. I want to be remembered for being that mom, that woman, who had time for people, for connection, who did fun things, had adventures, spent time in nature. And I know that's what you want too, it's just, “How do you make the time for it?” Well, that's why I'm offering this workshop. I want to show you how to get organized and how to simplify. And you can do it in just 30 days; you just need a system.
I have 6 kids and I run my business and I still do have time for fun. I've had to master several things like delegation, letting go of the in essentials and being crystal clear on my priorities, but really important was learning the trick to getting my spouse and kids to do more at home. Once I figured that out, things got a whole lot easier. And now, my husband does 90% of our cooking, which I wouldn't have dreamed of happening at the beginning of our marriage; wouldn't have dreamed of it. I'll give you a hint, you've got to stop nagging and there's something else you can do instead that really makes all the difference. So if you'd like to be there in the workshop, I think you'll love it, you can sign up at jenriday.com/workshop. It's later this week and I can't wait to see you there; it's going to be a lot of fun.
Well, our review of the week is from Colleen. And she wrote, “Hi, Jen, I love your podcast. A little backstory; I was suffering from depression and was on medication helped with my mood until I fell and broke my ankle. I had to have surgery and this injury completely changed me. While I was in the hospital, I decided to go cold turkey and quit taking my antidepressant. I started listening to inspiring podcasts and just really changed the way I saw the world around me. To make a long story short, I discovered your podcast and loved how inspiring each and every one of your guests are. Thank you, Jen. Keep being you and keep inspiring us- Colleen.” Colleen, thank you so much for sharing that. It means a lot. And that is the goal really. I want you people, you women listening, to find the greatest joy you can in life; to feel like you have a sense of purpose and meaning and the contribution to make. And of course, that's no judgment on anyone who is on an antidepressant and needs to be, but still, there are some steps we all can take to make ourselves happier, to take care of ourselves, to nurture ourselves, to heal our hearts and to make time for joy in our lives. So thank you so much for sharing that, Colleen. If you would like to leave a review for the show, I would love it. It helps us to grow. Just go to jenriday.com/review and watch a 1-minute little video there to learn how to do it.
Last week, I spoke with Kristen Ivy all about the 6 things you can do to make sure your kids have their needs met. It was really fun and enlightening. And if you want to learn what those 6 things are, go back and listen to it. And today, I'll be talking with Mary Shores all about choosing powerful words. Our words are closely linked to our subconscious programming and it will affect our confidence; our ability to show up and shine and be radiant. And so I don't know about you, but I want to be a radiant person in this world and to shine. So I'm going to choose more powerful words if it's going to help my subconscious show up and play big. You're going to love this episode with Mary and let's go ahead now and dive in.
Mary Shores is my guest today and she's the internationally known author of ‘Conscious Communications’, which recently hit number one in self-esteem on Amazon. Mary teaches individuals and businesses the art of practical science-based personal development from the trifecta of psychology, neurology and neurochemistry. Mary's a mom of 2 boys. Welcome to Vibrant Happy Women, Mary.
M: Thanks, Jen, I'm so excited to meet you and be here.
J: I think it's so cool you wrote that book, ‘Conscious Communications’, and you always have the dream that it would be published by Hay House and then you've done it. You know, how did that work out for you? When did you start and how did you make that dream happen for you?
M: Well, I… you know, that's one of my favorite topics to talk about because I just always felt like I had a book inside of me and I would kind of fantasize, you know, like I would fantasize little book titles for years and years. And then for about 10 years, I really got serious and I would say to almost anyone who would listen, “I want to write a book, but I'm not a writer.” Well, you know, words are a mirror to your subconscious programming and when I was saying the words, “I want to write a book,” it's almost like you could see that written on my soul like a purpose.
M: But there's a big problem when the words, “… but I'm not a writer,” are also revealing something about my subconscious programming that, somewhere deep inside, I didn't really believe that I was capable of writing a book. So, you know, I had to invest in myself to overcome that belief. But, you know, for the audience, it's not just about someone who wants to write a book, but how often do we say, you know, “I want to start this business, but I don't have the money or the credit,” or, “I want to… you know, I want to lose 20 pounds, but I don't have to go to the gym.” It's just like we say… we declare the thing we want and then we cancel it with our barrier belief.
J: Yes. Oh, that's huge. Well, we always start off the show with a quote and I want you to share one, then we're going to come right back to this. So what is a favorite quote you want to share with us today?
M: Well, I… one of my favorite quotes is, “Awareness of your choices is the key to freedom.”
J: Hmm, oh that's good. So that comes right back to the quote; so we declare what we want and then we cut it off through a limiting belief. So how do you develop that awareness to stop sabotaging yourself?
M: “How do you develop the awareness?” Well, I think that one way is to really pay attention. If you're choosing to do this via words, you know, get conscious and pay attention to the involuntary words that are coming out of your mouth, you know, sometimes we say these funny things that are a little bit sarcastic about ourselves. And what we don't realize is, when we do that, we're actually reinforcing a neural network inside of our subconscious; and what I mean by that is, we're strengthening that reality. And so although it might be funny and it might like lessen the pressure off of ourselves for a moment, the real truth is that, it's not going to help us overcome the issue.
J: Hmm, I love that. I was recently at an event in Santa Fe where we all came up with our own medicine name and it was giving ourselves a powerful collection of words. So if you had to give yourself a medicine name of powerful words, what would that be? This is wild and crazy but, you know, go for it.
M: Oh, you know, in Chapter 2 of my book, there's a coaching exercise of 100 things that you like about yourself, and it's actually really difficult to do. But my… and I don't know how this fits with the activity you did, but right away, my mind went to, “I am radiant and I am a powerful creator.”
J: Ooh, I love that word, ‘radiant’. And so when you're thinking those words, how would that affect how you show up in the world, for you personally?
M: Well,, you know, here's what's interesting is, when I did that… and this has been probably 3 years ago, for me, that I did it. But within 24 hours, I just had so many people walking up to me telling me I was so radiant.
J: No way.
M: Now think about that word though…. No, that's what I'm saying. Like, that's a very specific word. You know, they didn't come up to me and say I was pretty or I looked nice, they actually used the same word that I had put down on the piece of paper.
M:Well… and I'm finding that this is happening to women all over the place. A woman just wrote a blog recently about this exercise and she said this really beautiful thing that, after she completed the exercise, she noticed how other people were treating her differently. Well, the reason that people were saying to me I am radiant or I looked radiant and the reason people were treating her differently, is because internally, I was projecting differently.
M: So because my behavior changed and because I was behaving in a manner that… that projected radiance, other people somehow picked up on that and mirrored it back to me. Isn't that fascinating?
J: It is fascinating. And it kind of reminds me of that word ‘serendipity’ or’ coincidence’ but we know it's not coincidence.
M: Oh yeah.
J: There is something energetic. Sometimes I'll be thinking about something and then my husband will talk about that thing; that's really interesting.
M: It is so fascinating. And, you know, so when this first happened to me 3 years ago, you know, I just… again, I thought it was like a coincidence, you know? But then it started happening to everyone else that was doing it too. Like one of my assistants, she in her gratitude practice, like one day she was saying like how she was grateful for the color teal, and the next day, she had this like teal shirt on and she got like 3 random compliments about this shirt. And there wasn't anything special about it, but people were specifically saying like, “I love your teal shirt.” And… but then to have so many other women who are reading the book and they're sharing their experience that…. and this one woman, like I said, who wrote it in her blog, she described it so perfectly when she said, “It seemed like everyone else's behavior around me was changing, but really it was just their response to my own behavior that was changing.”
M: So when you took the time to like… you said these medicine words, whenever you take the time to declare what you want to be true about yourself and you're focusing on that instead of making a joke like, “Aha ha, my butt's too big!” or, you know, whatever we say, then you're really programming your subconscious mind and you make subtle behavior changes.
J: It's true. And for years, I walked around believing I was a frumpy mom and the energy must have been appalling for those who were around me. (Laughs). But now…
M: I'm sure you've probably looked and walked around like a frumpy mom, you know?
M: Low energy, exhausted.
J: Yep. Now, I'm a hot mama. No, I'm just kidding; I don't know what I am. But that's… I do feel a lot better. I'm going to come up with some words though. (Laughs)
M: Okay, my medicine name now is milf.
J: Milf? What's that stand for?
M: Oh my gosh, I’ll tell you later. (Laughs)
J: Oh my gosh; oh, so funny. I have a medicine name; I'm not sure if I'm ready to share it on my podcast yet.
M: Hmm, alright.
J: Since I'm not sure I'm not going to do it, everyone can wonder.
J: You know though, with that, with all the negative thoughts going through our heads, truly, that's going to chair it such a different energy when we're putting ourselves down constantly in our thoughts, you know?
M: It's so true. And even when you do become conscious of it, you know, it still happens; I mean, it's it still happens for me. And… and the thing is though, it's really an interesting feedback loop because once you can get a little bit of control over it and you start to just handle yourself a little bit differently, then your thoughts actually do begin to change. Because you… you know, your thoughts are really running a program. And I think the statistics is, we have an average of 60,000 thoughts a day with something like 90% of them being exactly the same as the day before.
M: And… yeah, so it's really fascinating that we'll have these like repetitive thought patterns day after day after day, but the way to change that because like… you know, Wayne Dyer would say, “Change your thoughts, change your life,” or, “Change your thoughts, change your world,” something like that.
M: But, with me, I tried to force myself to change my thoughts and it wasn't happening; and then I just felt like a failure because I couldn't change my thoughts. And, you know, one of the things that I kind of make fun of happening right now is, we have this… this giant positivity psychology movement. And I feel like that there's a huge issue with that that it's really not allowing us to process our dark emotions. And, you know, or when we have a problem or when the shit hits the fan, you know, we can't just think to ourselves, “Oh, just be happy,” you’re like, “Happiness is a choice,” because then, when you're not happy, you feel like you failed.
M: Has that ever happens to you?
J: I think happiness is a choice, but I think the negative comes with it. So not so much for me, but I know where you're going. And a lot of people do think like you just said. But I think it comes down to working through that negative energy and those negative emotions.
M: Well… and because like I am a perfect example of something resulting in, you know, multiple years of not processing my emotions and then having it lead to actually some structural problems in my body and… and just like, you know, now that I'm 44, it just really all came out.
J: Yes. I can agree with you there. When I was 37, 38, I don't know somewhere in there, it hit my rock bottom. I had 5 kids at the time and I hadn't taken care of myself in any way. So everything I've ever done, all the emotions just came and pushed me down to a crushing halt. So, yeah, I figured out ways to get through that, but… so tell us your story of, you know, coming to that realization you had to work through your emotions and how it was affecting your body.
M: Yeah. Well, I'll start that off by just saying that, a lot of people, if they know about me or, you know, they've heard of me, they really kind of hold me on that pedestal of the epitome of what it looks like to be successful because I have… you know, I'm a 20 year CEO, I started my company at 24 years old, I am a published author with Hay House, a successful public speaker. And so from the outside looking in, it looks like I've got this glorious, fabulous, amazing lifetime of achievement award going on.
M: But what was happening truly on the inside is that, I wasn't processing things that was happening to me. When I was 20, I had a daughter who had severe brain damage and she passed away from that. So, you know, this took a tremendous emotional toll on me. And especially at only 19 and 20 years old, you know, I had no idea how to process what was happening around me. And so I just kind of picked up the pieces and moved on with my life after that. And my son who's 17 now is on the autism spectrum. And, you know, there's a lot of… for me, for years, I did not know what his diagnosis was. And I was raised to believe that your children's behavior was a product of your parenting, right? That's just sort of how I was raised and I believed that. So when I would see all of these off-the-wall bizarre behaviors out of him, of course to me that meant, I was the most horrible mother who had ever lived and I put myself in this very lonely existence of, you know, having this child without a rulebook of what to do. And, you know, you go through this entire range of emotions. And when I did get the diagnosis, I mean, it took me years just to accept the fact that I had to drop expectations about what it looked like to raise a child. You know, my kid wasn't going to be the star of the baseball team; he's going to maybe be the star of the Pokémon team or the Rubik's Cube team.
M: But, you know, that wasn't… right, it wasn't what I was used to, and I'm just saying it took a lot of adjusting. But this was all stress on my body and I eventually developed a very serious curve in my upper back. Now, there is a name for that; it's called kyphosis. But we would all know that as when you see an elderly woman and she has that hump on her back.
J: Whoa! Yeah.
M: Yeah. That's not pretty, is it?
J: Ooh, at that age, wow!
M: Well, so mine was getting pretty serious and pretty pronounced and you could see it like in pictures. I mean, it didn't look as serious as like what I'm describing in elderly women.
M: But that's what I was headed for.
M: And I was having people tell me like, “If you don't get in control of this, like this is what's going to happen to you.” And so, like I said, it was already showing up in photographs; it was not attractive at all, it was constant pain.
M: And not only that, but I was dealing with things that I couldn't understand. Like I didn't have the words for things like adrenal burnout, but again, with right around the same age, I think I was 38 when I first noticed, and I remember I would go to the doctor and I would say, “You know what? I'm at the gym, it feels like I'm moving my arms through water.”
J: Ooh! Whoa!
M: But I didn't know what… you know, and I just felt like I didn't know how else to describe it other than I just felt like everything… I would say, “I feel like I'm walking through mud.”
J: Yeah, so tired.
M: Everything just took so much energy to do; everything.
M: And so I really didn't find anyone to help me with this for a very long time, until I happen to find this chiropractor that specializes in chiropractic biophysics. And he put together a treatment plan to, first of all, straighten my spine, which at this point, I had given up because I couldn't find anyone that said they could correct that.
M: But what's interesting is, you know, this is 30 years of emotional ups and downs that caused all of these problems. And when you go through a treatment to start unraveling your spine or whatever your issues might be, then you're going to deal with waves of energy and floods of emotions that are just going to come up and out into your life. And it's overwhelming but it's also a very beautiful thing because I'm going through this process of just releasing all of this that's happened to me and… and feeling like, it's okay to be sad, you know, it's okay to not feel okay.
J: So what did that look like for you to go back and grieve your daughter's death or to grieve your son's diagnosis? Did you actually go back and feel the pain of those? How do you let go of emotions like that?
M: That's a really great question, especially when I was writing the book, because I wanted to be as vulnerable as I could in the book. And I went back and just like looked at hundreds of pictures. I would stare at them, I would talk about my daughter with my editors and really, you know, thought that that was processing it. But, you know, there's still some residual of it, and especially like with my son, I think that it's more the practices that I did to support myself. Like I would… was going to acupuncture for about a year and I… it might sound silly, but… to some people, but I really love my Reiki practitioner.
M: It was just an energy medicine, but she's so special. My friends call her my magical Reiki goddess.
J: Yeah (Laughs). Love it.
M: Because this woman, she's so special in my life. She has this trifecta of, she's a Reiki Master, she was trained in Hawaii by the original family, and she also has a psychology degree, and she's a licensed massage therapist. And she really combines her superpowers of psychology body… body therapy because, you know, your issues are in your tissues. So she really believes in the in the concept of therapy during a massage.
J: Yes. So she would… oh my gosh, that's amazing! So she's doing energy work, deep tissue, work and talking you through it as you go. That is pretty amazing.
M: All at the same time. And so, you know, just yesterday, I got back from an event and I… like I'll go see her right after that just because you've, you know, picked up so much information, your body's processing lots of things. And her words to me was like, I was pulsing and releasing waves of sorrow from my body.
M: And so I just think it's to have someone that can hold that space for you and… and just sort of like help your body release it. And not only that, but like certain body workers, you know, they are very in tune with the little aches and pains in your body. Like one of the… the sore spots that I'm dealing with right now is if in my upper left shoulder and kind of in between my shoulder blade in my armpit.
M: And you can check like on a body map, but that is the place of unprocessed grief.
J: Oh my gosh! (Laughs)
M: I know, it is like… you know, I don't know these things, but intuitively, I know that there's a truth to it. And so whether… but let me just say, like there's so many ways for people to accomplish this. Like I have friends doing yin yoga and they are experiencing the same kind of releasing.
M: So whether it's through yoga, whether it's through acupuncture, you know, whether it's even through traditional medical… you know, like you're going to see a hormone therapist and you're just getting yourself back in balance with your hormones, all of these things is going to bring you to a better place and a healthier place. But as we're… as we're working through that time in our life where we've really got to regenerate ourselves, we're also going… I'm just, you know, kind of warning everyone that these emotions will come up, and that's okay and it's a beautiful thing.
J: Yeah. And I was thinking while you were talking that, I love pigeon pose when I go to yoga.
M: Oh yeah.
J: And I feel massive flood of emotions whenever I go into that pose. Well, of course the instructors always say, “Pigeon pose, hips are where you keep some of your emotions.” So I think we're kind of just on the cusp of understanding energetically and in the body how this all works, but I have no doubt in my mind that there is a truth to the fact that we store a lot of our emotions in our tissues, like you said.
J: I wish we had it all figured out but it's coming. (Laughs)
M: Well, and even if you can just do one thing, you know, if you can just do one thing one modality for yourself. Like whether it's yoga, you know, whether it's even just learning meditation or breath work, like anything you do is going to make a difference. And one thing that I noticed is, when I do one thing and I start to see a little bit of a result, it motivates me to want to do more.
J: Yeah, yeah. And what about for strong emotions that come up in the moment? Do you have a way of trying to release those as they happen or getting yourself back to kind of homeostasis when something stressful or upsetting happens?
M: Well, that's a really great question, especially for someone like me because I'm very type A personality, which means that when something comes up, it's not my natural go-to to just like feel it. So more recently, if I feel an emotion, I just… if I need to cry, I just cry. I've become a big fan of Michaela Boehm, who teaches… she teaches, I guess, a form of like awakening of the feminine fire, you know, femininity just for the sake of femininity. And she said like, “You know, women's bodies are actually built to process emotions; we are in motion processing machines. And we've sort of trained ourselves out of that type of behavior.” And she was the one… one of the first people I started learning that, when you don't process your emotions as they come up, whether that be, you know, joy, whether that be sadness, whether that be anger, that it gets stuck. And then after years of it being stuck, you start to get your spine stiffens.
J: Sick, yeah.
M: And, for me, it was like, my spine sort of turned into this; like rod like this tense just rod. And it was not flexible the way that it used to be.
M: And I didn't understand. You know, I didn't understand why, but she describes it so perfectly that, you know, “If it's time to wail, then wail. If it's time to cry, cry. Cry…” you know, that… oh, what's the movie with Diane Keaton and she's just in the shower like just crying and crying and crying?
J: Oh, I haven't seen it, but it sounds terrible; sounds sad. (Laughs)
M: It's her and Jack Nicholson and I think she's kind of going through this heartbreak with him.
J: Oh yeah.
M: And it's just a beautiful scene where… I think it's called ‘As Good As It Gets’.
J: Yeah, I have seen that.
M: Something like that.
M: Then, you know, you’ll see like her and Jack kind of go through this playful dance of, “Are they together? Are they not together?” And… and she's just in the shower just like screaming and crying.
J: Mmm. And that's healthy. I wonder why we’ve..
M: It’s healthy.
J: …taught ourselves to shame that? Well, it's so funny, when I was hitting my low point, I wasn't very tuned in to my emotions. So I was exhausted and burnt out and I didn't know how I felt. All I knew is that I had all these things I needed to do. And so it's funny, as I get more in tune with my emotions through meditation, (that's one of my big ones, yoga) I've noticed that when I get angry or stressed or frustrated, it's because I'm not in tune with my emotions and my body is trying to get them out. And so if we want to be more patient in our relationships, it's so beneficial just to invest time to figure out how we're feeling and feel it; simple as that. Like you said, get in the shower and cry if you need to.
M: Yeah. Just the other day, I actually… I was feeling something I really pulled the car over and just like just sat there and kind of cried for a few minutes until it passed. And when I was done, I felt a lot better, but I can honestly tell you… this is a new topic of discussion for me, but I can honestly tell you, 10 years ago, that would have never happened.
J: Because you were… yeah.
M: Like no way would I… oh my gosh I was… well, 34, the, you know, height of building my career. I mean, oh heck no, that would…
J: That would be too weak.
M: Oh tot… that's a very good choice of words. Yes, I would have considered myself weak to do that.
J: Mmm. And now, you're able to cry, and what do you think? Weak, strong, how does it look to you?
M: I think it looks beautiful.
M: It's just beautiful.
J: How's your back?
M: It's getting much better. My curve has been corrected and, you know, when you go through that… and this is one of the reasons why I call it unraveling is because the body, you know, compensate in other ways. So when you develop a curve in your spine and your shoulders readjust and they roll forward and you kind of get this protective stance because you're protecting your heart; so the curve is corrected, but now it's like going through the other parts of my body and sort of unraveling everything, so it's definitely getting there.
J: Huh, that's incredible that you have the insight about the heart. That's true. When you're feeling pain, you'll almost always feel it right there in your heart area. And so your body was trying to say, “Help!” (Laughs). Oh my gosh.
M: Well, I sort of had this aha moment a couple weeks ago. I was thinking about… you know, and I'm a single mom and one of the things that I noticed has been a pattern for me, is I was meeting these unavailable men. And it’s like it was great, you know, like we'd really like each other and start dating and it just seemed like they were unavailable on some level. And, of course, I believe that you attract what you are.
J: Oh, yeah.
M: But I was really having a hard time seeing myself as unavailable. And I just had this aha moment where I realized that, just because I was so giving in a relationship, doesn't mean I was emotionally available, and that when you have the posture that I had, the curves, that rolled shoulders forward, that that is a protective posture of your heart space. And you can't be both protecting yourself and emotionally available at the same time.
J: Wow, that's amazing. You know, as you said that, my shoulders went back and I thrust my heart space out. And then I remembered, you know, how they tell you to do Wonder Woman pose when you want to be confident. And that's like saying, “Here's my hearts. I'm here. I'm showing up fully.” So maybe even… you talked about changing the words we use, but maybe consciously changing our posture and just being in touch with all of that.
M: It's so true. And, you know, Amy Cuddy's viral TED talk, I think it was called ‘fake it till you make it’, where she talks about the study of power posing.
M: Very, very true, because, you know, all of this stuff can be reverse engineered. So when you talked about that like putting your heart forward, getting in that confident like Wonder Woman stance, it portrays you. So, you know, in the beginning of the conversation we were talking about like when people came up to me and said I was radiant, and why was that? Well, it's because they pick up on your energy.
M: So if I'm standing in that Wonder Woman stance, I'm going to attract a different type of person to me than if I'm standing sort of in a heart protective stance.
J: Oh, I love this! This is so good, it makes me want to go teach my girls right now, “Be a Wonder Woman. Stand like this, girls.” (Laughs). Train them young; that's so fun. Well, let's take a quick break for our sponsor and then we'll come back and talk about a few of your favorite things.
(Interview resumes) [31:09]
J: Okay, so welcome back. We've talked about so many good things, Mary, I just love it. So would a lot of this stuff be in your book, ‘Conscious Communications’, and yes or no? And if not, what else could we find there? Because it sounds amazing.
M: Well, the power of my book is really how you can begin to kind of go from where you're at now to where you want to be. And I know that a lot of people might say that or claim that in their books, but ‘Conscious Communications’ is all about harnessing your personal power to start changing your mind, your choices, and your life. Because, you know, we are on sort of this repetitive feedback loop of behaviors.
M: And we really need an entry point of how to change that. So chapter after chapter is designed, it's got a little coaching exercise in each one, but it's all designed on how to create the life that you want to live. Because, you know, I think we can all accept the concept of infinite possibilities; you know, that if infinite possibilities exist, sometimes I think in this… this world of spirituality, we assume that that means that we get all the good stuff.
M: But it's really, infinite possibilities mean that, you know, I couldn't become a best-selling author, but it also means I could become an alcoholic.
M: Because those are both possibilities. But how do you connect yourself more fully to the things that you want to happen like getting a control over your manifestation? And so that's kind of my superpower in life, is manifesting.
M: And so I teach in the book how to manifest and get control so that you're connecting yourself to the things you want in life and you're surrendering and letting go, loosening your grip on flowing in the chaos of all the things that you don't want.
J: Okay, I love that. And so how do you loosen that grip on the things you don't want? I mean, sometimes they take over, right?
M: Totally. One of the ways… well, first of all, the bottom line is, you have to change your subconscious neural pathway programming. You know, this is talking about, you know, your beliefs. The bottom line is, you have to make a change in your brain to be able to do this because you have to do that over time. You know, I used to be the queen of weekend workshop warrior. I mean, Tony Robbins, Goddess Workshops, Omega Institute; I mean, you name it, I've probably done it.
M: And I would always, at the end of the week or whatever, I would always… like everyone would be saying, “Oh, I've changed my life,” and I would feel like I was the same person.
M: And what I realized was, I would talk to that same person in a month and nothing had changed for them. Because what was happening is, they were writing the high of the emotions of the event. You know, when you go to an event and you're with like-minded people and there's lots of energy and it's all lovey-dovey so you're kind of in that energetic space.
M: But then you go home and life comes back around and, you know, you kind of feel like the same person.
M: So what I learned is that, true transformation happens in small pivots over a long period of time.
M: And we have to be doing these things. That's why I chose the quote, “Awareness of your choices is the key to freedom,” because, once you become aware on a daily basis of what you're choosing to either connect yourself to what you want or disconnect yourself, then you really start to get much more control over your manifestations. One example that I'll give you because you asked such a great question about, you know, how can we begin to do this, and I talked in chapter 2 of the book about how we have to loosen the grip on the tragic stories of our life. So we all have these stories, and a lot of times, we use them to connect with each other. Like if we're at a party and you kind of meet a new woman and it's like, “What's your story?”
M: And you connect with that person based on the most terrible moments of your life.
J: Yeah (Laughs). It’s true.
M: And I'm not saying that that's wrong, but if you want to become that Wonder Woman, then the power lies… the most beautiful part of your story is in, “How did you move on?”
M: It's in, “How did you rebuild?” the triumph, you know? When you learn to loosen the grip on the tragedy and put your energy towards the triumph, you will see just miraculous changes around yourself. And so the book, like I said, it has practice after practice of how to do this and they really build on each other. And once you start to get sort of in the middle part of the book, what you'll notice is how many more opportunities you have around you for the things you want. We were kind of talking about that like serendipity or synchronicities and this is because, my belief is, they were always around you all along, you just couldn't see them.
J: Mm-hmm, wow. I love books with exercises and so my tragedy (and my listeners know this) used to be… and listen to my language that I'm choosing, ‘used to be’ pretty crappy marriage. (Laughs). Just some dysfunction there. But I've worked consciously on, not only fixing that, and it's way better as I've learned to love myself and take care of myself, but also changing my language around that. So do you have exercises in the book that would help someone with that?
M: Oh my gosh, yes. So, one of my favorites… so right in the middle of the book, chapter 5 is called ‘To cleanse or clog? That is the question’. And so as you are transforming your marriage, then, you know, you understand this if I said, you know, in a relationship with anyone, whether it's your significant other, your children, your co-workers your friends, every word you say, everything you do, every word that comes out of your mouth is either cleansing that relationship or clogging it. And what I'm really saying is that every action is either creating a deeper connection or it's driving a disconnection. And so, in the book, I teach a very simple practice I call it ‘cleanser clog’ and you can apply it to any part of your life; whether it's your relationships, whether it's your diet. You know, if I… if I'm on a diet and I want to lose 20 pounds, I got news for you, sister, I do not have the time to learn about keto or paleo or whatever the heck is popular today.
J: (Laughs). Yeah, yeah.
M: But don't I have the intuition to just look at a piece of food and say, “If I put that in my body, will it cleanse me or clog me?”
M: And it's so simple. And so, when you start making choices based on the lens of cleanse or clog, I mean, think about that with your relationship with your husband. You know, what things… and sometimes it's not even the obvious things, but like I'll teach women like, “If you're driving home from work after you've just worked 8 hours, don't get on the phone with your mother or your sister who's just going to like complain about their day because that's a clog to your relationship.” Because then when you walk in your front door, you're not going to be present.
J: Yeah, that’s true.
M: You're going to drained.
J: That's true. I have a friend who she married her boyfriend who they had been together for ages, but anyway, she hates that word, ‘marriage’, and it brought a lot of baggage for her. And so instead of calling him her husband, she started to call him her heart. And she said that one word was so cleansing (using your language) to the relationship because it had so much more positive meaning. So I'm thinking, just choosing the words you used to describe your spouse and describe what they're doing and make them positive would be a great way to cleanse that relationship.
M: Absolutely. There's so many ways to cleanse a relationship and there's so many ways to clog it. And my general rule of thumb is like, you want to be choosing cleansing choices 80% of the time. It's not about being perfect.
M: But it is about understanding the little things you do. Like, “Did you just abruptly let the person go when you were on the phone?” or, “Did you… you know, did you react to a text message?”
M: There are just the little, little things in how you can begin to pivot. But, you know, even more so like, not just about your relationship, but every area of your life. You know, what are you doing to create deeper connection in your spirituality, in your personal growth?
J: Yea, yeah, yeah!
M: In your… your career; like, what things are you doing to cleanse or clog your career?
J: Well… and when you apply that lens, now it's starting to dawn on me. So if you're in a house that's filthy, usually… usually, you don't just stand there and say, “This house is filthy. This house sucks,” you start to clean it up at some point. It would be amazing if we just apply that to our relationships instead of just being stuck, “Oh, my marriage sucks. We're never going to get along. He's a jerk,” and start cleaning. I love your analogy.
M: Yeah, because, when you do that, then all you're doing is focusing on what you don't want.
M: You know, if you're focused on all the bad parts of the relationship, but, you know, what if you just made a practice of, okay, like a ‘one thing’ practice, like, “One thing, every day, I'm going to thank my partner for.”
M: And even if it's just that he, I don't know, shut the garage door, took the garbage out…
J: Yeah, see the good.
M: But men really thrive on being appreciated.
M: And, you know, a little practice like that can begin to shift a relationship. Because if you take then time to tell them you appreciated something, then they'll look for more things to be appreciated for.
J: Yep, they want to be the hero; that's true.
J: That's true. Well, your book sounds amazing. Everyone, be sure to grab Mary's book, ‘Conscious Communications’, it is fantastic with all those exercises. And let's talk about a few of your favorite things, Mary. What about your favorite way to relax?
M: Well, I'm definitely a spa girl, so any kind of products, whether it's essential oils, taking a, you know, epsom salt bath or going and getting a massage, that's definitely my favorite way to relax.
J: Nice. And your favorite book.
M: My favorite book changes probably every week.
M: So right now, I'm reading a book called ‘Captivate’ by Vanessa Van Edwards.
J: Okay, I've heard of that. And the best advice you've ever received; can you a bit narrow it down? (Laughs)
M: Oh, you know what? I'm going to say something that my son told me. Because I have this son, he's 16, and he's just so wise. Like he said to me the other day, “Mom, the most important thing to me is my authenticity.”
J: Whew! (Laughs)
M: And I was like, “When I was 16, I never even heard of that word before.”
J: (Laughs). I love it; I love it!
J: Yeah. And my teenagers use the word ‘triggered’. I'm like, “What! You guys say that?”
M: Oh my gosh.
J: Oh my gosh. (Laughs)
M: And of course they do. So, okay, I'm going to share a piece of advice that my son gave me.
M: One day, he looked at me and he said, “Mom, what's the most important thing you can say to your brother?” and of course I thought he was going to say something like, “Fart on ‘em!” or, you know… this is what I was bracing myself for.
M: And he said, “The most important thing you can say to your brother is, ‘I love you.’”
M: And then… it was very sweet. And then he said, “What's the second most important thing you can say to your brother?” and my heart was already melting from the first thing he'd said, but he said, “The second most important thing you can say to your brother is, ‘I'm sorry.’”
J: You're raising a little self-help guru.
J: Oh, that's sweet; that's sweet. “I love you,” and, “I'm sorry.” Well, those are good cleansing words. Well, I'm going to tell our listeners, there are links to everything Mary's been talking about, her book, her favorite book, everything else, at jenriday.com/98. And now, Mary, what does it mean for you to be a vibrant happy woman?
M: Well, I think, for me, it really means to be… you know, really understand that I'm worthy of all good things. And we use my son's word, but stay in my integrity and my authenticity. When I really learned that, which probably wasn't until I was 40, I mean, just… I became 10 times more powerful.
J: Mm-hmm, by learning you're worthy of all good things?
M: Learning that I'm were, but also like, I've been talking about this a little bit lately which is, I hear a lot of people in my space of personal growth and development talking about purpose. Like everybody's talking about, “What's your purpose? How do you find your purpose?”
M: And I think that our purpose is right there and that your purpose is, “What are your greatest gifts, you know, your things that you're just naturally good at?” If you bake the best chocolate chip cookies in the world and that brings you joy, then that's your purpose; is to share your cookies. So, for me… you know, and a way you can find this is just by taking a simple personality test online and then you can print out the papers and just go through. And all of the positive characteristics, just highlight them. And so, for me, that was writing, speaking, and teaching.
M: And so it's like, “How do I bring those gifts to my job, to my family? How do I use those gifts to serve the world?” And that's what I mean by authenticity. It's like when you become this version of yourself that's meant to be instead of like following what we were taught to be.
J: Mm-hmm, right.
M: This is when you will become your most vibrant self.
J: Yeah. The word ‘empowered’ comes to mind. As everyone finds their gifts and uses them, they're empowered and not just living under that yoke of ‘should’. Thank you for your contribution to that; love that. Well, let's have a challenge from you to our listeners and then we'll say goodbye.
M: Well, earlier in this show, we were talking about chapter 2, the exercise in the book for chapter 2, which is writing a 100 things list. And so I first did this, it was international business day, it was years ago, and I did it on a radio show. So my challenge to your listeners is to write 100 things that you like about yourself. And I'm going to tell you now that it's not as easy as it sounds because you're going to get through 10, 20 or 30 things and they're going to be very superficial, and then you're going to have to dig deep and find out what you really like about yourself. And, you know, just finish that list, do not stop until you get to 100. And I will tell you, it took me more than a month to write my list.
J: Wow. So what's the top thing you like about yourself, if you can narrow it down?
M: Well, it's the things I shared right at the beginning when you asked me about the medicine words.
J: Oh yeah.
M: So when I did my list, I, you know, wrote all these things, it was like, “Oh, I like my long hair, I like my long legs,” you know, “I like it that I'm smart.” But when I got to the very end of the list, my number 99 was, “I am radiant,” and my number 100 is, “I am a magnetic powerful creator.”
M: And so…
J: That's how you find your medicine words, people; you just got to get to 99 and 100. (Laughs)
M: And… because here's the thing though. I could not have gotten to those two, 99 and 100, if I had not wrote the other 98.
J: Ah, that makes sense. You had to filter; I love it. Okay, everyone, write your 100 things that you like about yourself. And if you want to share some… your medicine name with me, I might read it on the air in a future episode because this is amazing, Mary, thanks for inspiring us.
M: Yeah, my pleasure.
J: So where can people find you if they want to learn more about what you're doing?
M: Well, my website is maryshores.com; so that's m a r y s h o r e s. You can find the book on amazon.com, ‘Conscious Communications’, and, you know, on… you can find me on all social media under that same name, Mary Shores.
J: Okay, great. Well, this has been fantastic. Thank you so much for being on the show; I loved it.
M: Thank you, I did too.
J: Take care, Mary.
After the interview, Mary, let me know that she wants to give all of you, the Vibrant Happy Women listeners, a free download for the ‘Conscious Communications’ guidebook. It's a companion course for conscious communications, packed with over 35 pages of exercises to make Mary's teachings even more real. You can grab it at maryshores.com/companion. We will put a link to that guidebook on the show notes page for this episode, and that's at jenriday.com/97. Don't forget to sign up for that free workshop I'm teaching later this week called ‘How to get organized and simplify your life in just 30 days’. I'm going to share my secrets for creating more free time, even with a busy business and 6 kids. Crazy? I know. But you can do it. If I can do it, you can do it; I'll teach you how in the workshop. You can sign up at jenriday.com/workshop. I will see you next time, bye for now.
Outro: Thanks for listening to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast at www.jenriday.com