Vibrant Happy Women with Dr. Jen Riday | How to Get Unstuck (with Marci Barragan and Mary Kay)

I’ve been hearing a common theme from many of the women I talk to lately, and that’s that they’re feeling stuck. You know you can’t pour from an empty cup; you know that you want to feel motivated and to make a difference. And yet, you can’t seem to get unstuck.

Let’s face it, the past couple years of the pandemic can leave anyone feeling that way and you’re certainly not alone. But there is one way that I know helps me get unstuck and once you hear it, it will help you move forward so you can create the next version of yourself in 2022.

Listen in today to find out what the secret to getting unstuck is from one of my Vibrant Happy Women coaches, Marci Barragan, and one of our members, Mary Kay Harton. They share how coaching differs from therapy and talking to your friends, and their advice for ditching the “shoulds” so you can set yourself free and get unstuck.

If you’re tired of not feeling good enough and letting anxiety and depression rule your life, you need to join us in the Vibrant Happy Women Club. The doors won't be open forever, and we have tons of new and exciting features inside. It’s time to make your own happiness a priority, and the Club is where you’ll learn how. I can’t wait to see you there!

 

What You’ll Learn:

  • The 3 things we need help with from others in order to grow.
  • How coaching differs from therapy.
  • How Mary Kay has changed since getting coached.
  • Why we lose sight of what we want, and how to find it again.
  • How letting go of your “shoulds” sets you free.
  • Who needs a coach and why.

 

Listen to the Full Episode:

 

Featured on the Show:

 

Join us in the Vibrant Happy Women Club!

Learn more about the Vibrant Happy Women Coach Certification!

Leave a rating and review in Apple Podcasts

 

Full Episode Transcript:

You’re listening to the Vibrant Happy Women podcast. I’m Dr. Jen Riday and in this episode I’ll be talking with a couple of friends about the secret of getting unstuck so you can move forward. Stay tuned.

Hi, I'm Jen Riday. This podcast is for women who want to feel more vibrant, happy, aligned, and alive. You'll gain the emotional, physical, and spiritual tools you need to get your sparkle back and ensure that depression, anxiety, and struggle don't rule your life. Welcome to the Vibrant Happy Women Podcast.

Hey there, I think that you know the importance of taking care of yourself or you wouldn’t be here listening to this podcast. You know that you can’t pour from an empty cup. You know the importance of rest, and relaxation, and healthy food, and exercise. You know you want to be motivated, to be productive, to make a difference. Yet I have been hearing a theme among many, many women that they feel stuck. Let’s face it, a couple of years of a pandemic can leave anyone feeling that way and you’re absolutely not alone.

Well, in this episode I want to address the best way I know how to get unstuck so you can move forward, so you can start to create the new version of you in 2022. Let me ask you this. What is it that you want in the year ahead? Maybe you want to get unstuck and feel motivated again, to feel more aligned, alive, and vibrant, to have energy and motivation. Maybe you want to have more fun and adventure with your family and friends. Maybe you want to try something totally new and train for a marathon or learn a new language or travel to a new place.

Maybe you want to change careers. Whatever this is for you we are literally wired to grow and to change and evolve as human beings. Changing and up-leveling our lives helps us to feel more aligned and in balance. And that’s a good thing. We have this inner GPS for a reason. So if you’ve been feeling off or stuck, listen to that and figure out how you can really shift your life and up-level things in the year ahead.

There’s one mistake many people make when it comes to growth. I’ve been guilty of the same mistake in the past. And that is thinking that we can change and grow all by ourselves. If that were true, how many of us would have reached our target weight or helped get that new job, or whatever other goal we set for the past year? The fact is sometimes we need help and why is that? Let me explain.

First, 90% of our thoughts happen at the subconscious level of our brain. And a ton of those thoughts happen to be limiting beliefs that we learned from our childhoods, for ages they’ve been there. Beliefs like money is the root of all evil. I’m just big boned. I’m not the type of person who could ask for a raise. Beliefs that are so strong that they’re almost automatic.

And because we’ve thought them so many times our brains don’t bring them to the conscious level because it would be too overwhelming to think all of these thoughts all the time so they just kind of function there subconsciously, not present to our conscious mind, 90% of our thoughts.

Now, if you’re trying to change and you have subconscious limiting beliefs that are in opposition to that, let’s say you want to lose 40 pounds and you have a belief that you’re a sugar addict, or that you’re just big boned, or that you don’t have the genes of a thin person, or whatever else it might be. Well, then your brain is never going to support that change. Sometimes you need help excavating, digging out those limiting beliefs that are in there, finding out what they are, analyzing them, getting rid of them, and replacing them with beliefs that are more empowering. So that’s one big mistake people make when trying to change without getting help to find those limiting beliefs.

Second, part of the process of getting rid of limiting beliefs is kind of processing the emotions attached to them. For example, let’s say you have a goal to get a raise at your job. You want to ask for a $20,000 raise or something. And you have limiting beliefs around money. Perhaps you have an old memory like I do. My parents were farmers during the 1980s farm crisis. I remember my mom wringing her hands and saying, “We’re never going to have enough to pay our bills.” Because the interest rates had gotten so high.

And I remember the emotion of that. And that locked into my brain for the longest time, I had kind of a fear and a thought process running through my mind that I too was never going to have enough money, almost with a panic sense there. Well, having someone to help you unlock and understand that you have these memories and to help you process the emotions of these memories with special tools like EFT tapping, or the Feel It to Heal It method, will help you to eliminate the emotional charge attached to those memories.

So your brain can kind of move them from the limbic system, which is the emotionally charged section of the brain to the prefrontal cortex where we don’t attach any meaning to it. So that happened, big deal, I don’t have to believe it. So we can get help analyzing what limiting beliefs we have and have the safety emotionally to process the emotions attached to those limiting beliefs and memories. We need help for these because it takes courage to process these things and to remember things from our past.

Another thing we often fail to realize that we need help with as we try to change is boundaries, having healthy boundaries. Many of us grew up with beliefs that a good mom sacrifices everything for her kids, or a good wife sacrifices for her spouse, or a good woman is always trying to help others. And we can do this to the detriment of our health, of our body, our mental health, of our goals, our ability to feel vibrant and alive and motivated. And boundaries, learning how to set up healthy boundaries is the key to changing all of this.

And sometimes when we have spent so many years of our lives not having boundaries we can’t identify where we’re weak in this area. And it can be helpful to have an outsider who is skilled at boundaries to come in and hear what we’re doing and say, “Oh, hey, you need a boundary there” or “Oh, hey, that person violated your boundary, how is that going to affect your energy this week? What can you do to respond to them in a healthy way?”

Boundaries often require someone who is very good at them to come in and hear us talk about what’s happening and to teach us by example and simply being in our presence how boundaries really function in a healthy way. Now, there are many, many more things but I feel like these are the big three. Someone to help us find our limiting beliefs, someone to help us process emotions attached to those beliefs and memories. And someone to help us learn those healthy boundaries.

When we can get these three things in place suddenly change and growth tend to skyrocket in our lives to the moon and beyond. And change comes fast. How do I know this? I have seen it in so many women’s lives.

One of the most amazing things, in my opinion, that we offer in the Vibrant Happy Women Club membership is one-on-one weekly personalized coaching with a certified Vibrant Happy Women coach. This means every week you have a person showing up to hold space for you, to help you figure out what are your limiting beliefs? What memories are keeping you stuck? What emotions do you need to process? What boundaries do you need to set in order to more effectively change in the long term?

This weekly one-on-one coaching is available to transformation levels of the club. And I have brought one such member on this episode today, her name is Mary Kay Harton. And I’ve brought on her coach, Marci Barragan. And they’re going to talk about the coaching client relationship that they have enjoyed over the past many months. You can hear for yourself how coaching works and make the best decision for you whether coaching might be exactly what you want and need in the year ahead, to make the changes you’re looking to make.

Before we dive in I want to answer a question you might be asking and that is, how is coaching different from therapy? In my experience, therapy is largely focused on the past, talking about things that have happened in the past week, or year, or decade that have affected us, that we’re struggling with. It’s processing the pain and hurt from those experiences and then trying to set goals to do better.

Coaching in contrast is focused very much on the future. Who do we want to become? How do we want to feel? What thoughts do we need to think to make that future a reality? I personally adore coaching and find it much more healing, growth minded and helpful for my life. Now, that’s not to discount all the amazing work therapists do. You just need to find the right tool for what you’re wanting. If your goal is growth, and change, and progress, coaching is for you.

So my guests today, again, are Marci Barragan, one of the coaches in the Vibrant Happy Women Club, and Mary Kay Harton and let’s go ahead and dive in and hear how coaching is helping Mary Kay.

                                                                                                                  

Jen: Hey everyone, I’m here with my friend, Marci Barragan and one of her clients, Mary Kay Harton. And we’re talking today about coaching. Mary Kay is one of Marci’s coaching students through the Vibrant Happy Women Club. Mary Kay, why don’t you go first and introduce yourself and then we’ll jump over to Marci.

Mary Kay: Well, I’m Mary Kay Harton and I work in higher education, I’m a dean of students at a community college. And yeah, I just got interested in coaching because I think I was looking to find my purpose in life. And Marci’s bio spoke to me, so we’ve been connected for the last few months.

Jen: Awesome, thanks, Mary Kay. And Marci, you’ve been on the podcast before but go ahead and introduce yourself.

Marci: I have, thank you, Jen. My name is Marci Barragan, I am a Vibrant Happy Women certified life coach. I have been certified for a little less than a year. I do have my own life coach business as my side passion project. And I really enjoy coaching both on my own and also through the Vibrant Happy Women Club. I have been a podcast listener for quite a few years and then part of the Club for about a year.

Jen: Awesome, thank you. So a lot of people don’t realize that one of the options when you join the Vibrant Happy Women Club is to be coached one-on-one by a certified Vibrant Happy Women coach. I truly believe that these are some of the best coaches in the world, if not the best coaches in the world because they have great tools like the Thought Tables, Feel It to Heal It, how to set up great boundaries, how to process emotion, all of these great tools.

And so Mary Kay, when you joined the club you signed up for the transformation level which includes the one-on-one coaching. And what were you hoping to get out of coaching when you signed up?

Mary Kay: Honestly, I wanted the Soul Circle too. I wanted to belong to a community of women, and it was during the pandemic. So I thought it would be nice to have women that are kind of wanting the same thing and maybe to grow personally and just kind of figure out life. And I was listening to your podcast, Jen, and I really liked a lot of the podcasts and they really spoke to me. And then I think through the coaching, I had listened to the Thought Table, the Feel It to Heal It and I wanted to learn more and to learn that.

And honestly, I was thinking maybe this is something I would want to pursue maybe as my next career. And so I’m kind of at that place, I was just like, “I don’t know if I have the fire in the belly to keep doing this.” And was just kind of at that moment of searching to find my purpose and joy in my life. And so that’s what I was hoping to get out of the life coaching.

Jen: So what were your thoughts when you signed up and had your first appointment with Marci, any fear, any concerns there? Be honest.

Mary Kay: Yeah. No. It was interesting. I think I heard Marci on your podcast and that’s when I went, “She’s the one for me.” Because Marci jumped and I would say she jumped and I [inaudible] can’t remember what it was. But I think you made some big changes in your life and so that really spoke to me. And so I think probably the biggest fear was that Marci might make me jump sooner than I was ready. And I think that was probably underlying big time. But I don’t remember being fearful at all.

I think it was I was really wanting to talk with someone to learn what a life coach did or to experience it myself. And I think, Jen, I was thinking, I have to be coached to be a coach. And so that’s kind of like let’s walk the walk and I think even you probably speak to that in your podcast of participate in it and that way you know the experience. So that then when you are coaching you learn kind of and then to learn the tools to do it. So yeah, that’s kind of how…

Jen: Yeah. How would you say coaching is different than therapy? I don’t know if you’ve ever had therapy, Mary Kay.

Mary Kay: I’ve had a lot of therapy, Jen. I think the difference for me with Marci is I just talk. And I share my week, I share my day, whatever is forefront on my mind. It’s not prescribed. Yeah, it’s not necessarily a diagnosis or anything like that. It’s really I’m just really processing my thoughts. And I think a lot of us are in our minds and learning how to not let our, you know, it’s our thoughts creates our actions, and emotions, and all of that.

So I think it’s nice to have someone objective listening to me, not trying to fix me, not too close to me, is someone who doesn’t know who I work with, or who I live with. And just literally listening to the thread and challenging me and giving me homework and things like that. So yeah, it’s been a friendship but also there’s that professional relationship. Because I think even last time Marci’s like, “My job is to push you,” and I didn’t like it. But I told her, I said, “I’m getting frustrated.” And it’s just that I didn’t want to hear what she had to tell me because I think I knew on some level.

But it was really great because we, you know, she used her tools and got me back around with being more positive at the end.

Jen: Awesome, thanks for sharing that, Mary Kay. And let’s jump over to you, Marci. What was your experience as the coach when you first signed up with Mary Kay or your experience of coaching in general, if that’s too specific of a question?

Marci: I always look forward to meeting a new client and finding out what makes them tick, how they’re wired, what it is they’d like to accomplish for themselves and work on. So upon initial meeting I knew it was going to be really fun to coach with Mary Kay because she shares freely. She’s very reflective in her thoughts. And is willing to jump in and do the work. And so as a coach that’s really fun to have someone on the other end who is willing to be honest and open, but also not afraid to dig deep.

And so I didn’t have a lot of preconceived notions about who Mary Kay was. I didn’t have any prior exposure to her. But sometimes I think that’s part of the magic is just really being able to figure out what’s going to work for her, what types of things she’s wanting extra support on. Because obviously we coach for half an hour once a week. And so it’s not as in depth as somebody who might be let’s say, for instance, going to therapy multiple times a week or things like that.

We really have to hone in on what it is that will help her with kind of her pain points or the things that are really making her uncomfortable. And how are we going to change that trajectory in a shorter period of time to make this next week more successful and then to also keep moving her along the path to everything that she would like to change in her life.

Jen: That’s awesome. So you mentioned, Marci, the work, what is really the work that you’ve seen Mary Kay put in and the changes you’ve seen her make? Hopefully that’s okay if she shares that, Mary Kay.

Mary Kay: Absolutely, yeah. I’m curious to see what she says.

Marci: I won’t share any secrets.

Mary Kay: That’s right.

Marci: What’s been the most fun for me is to watch her mindset and her ability to now understand that she has full control over the thoughts that she is having. And that she doesn’t have to allow what’s happening around her to take her down a rabbit hole. And that she is able to actually take good care of herself, have solid boundaries, create the team around her that she wants to create in order to achieve the results she wants without sacrificing who she is.

And so just the fact that she has been able to make that pivot and realize that she is in control of what she is thinking. And when she can change her thoughts, she can totally change her outlook and how she’s feeling, which then also changes her actions and then her end results. So it’s been really fun to kind of watch her come into her own on that front, and even get creative about how she’s going to use some of her skills going forward and take her job in higher education and make it something unique to her and that builds on her skills and her gifts and talents.

Jen: That’s great. Do you have a response, Mary Kay, would you agree with Marci’s assessment?

Mary Kay: Yeah. As Marci was talking I thought, yeah, even just to know that sure, just a hard day at work, a lot going on. And I felt I could go down the negative rabbit hole. And I was like, I’m going to change my thought, I’m handling this great, I’m doing a great job. And it really worked. And yeah, I think that what I would share is probably being in higher ed doesn’t mean you know everything. I never even aspired, I never thought I would be in higher education. So there’s all that that goes on with higher education.

And yeah, we’re still human, and we’re people, and I do have passions and I love my job, but I have other passions as well. And so I think that’s what I needed, someone to kind of help me find, maybe combine the passions. So, Marci absolutely helped me do that. I am a group exercise instructor and have been doing that for 30 years. And one exercise she helped me do was have me break down how I would prepare for a group exercise class and then apply that to my job now and it was a lot of fun. And I thought, oh my gosh, I really am good at this.

So it’s just taking what I loved, both worlds and they’re two very different worlds yet very similar. And so it was a fun exercise that I got into. And just that Marci thought of that and tapped into the spark around that. And I was able to say, “Yeah, it’s just coaching.” It was coaching group X, and then you have, as I lead a team in higher ed, I’m coaching the team to accomplish goals.

Jen: Yeah, same principles, that’s neat. So, Mary Kay you mentioned, I’m assuming coaching has helped you with greater positivity. How else are you different as a result of coaching?

Mary Kay: That is a great question. I think I think about too of coaching as well, kind of finding my strengths and being true to me through the coaching I think is just listening and having someone just say back to me, “Wow, that’s great that you did this.” Or “Look at all you did.” And I remember just having one issue that Marci just got me pumped up. And I went in with the plan and it was just kind of a – just I think sometimes you just need to process with someone who’s not going to judge, there’s no agenda with Marci.

It’s really, I’m struggling with this, but she helps me process. So I would say probably more mindful. I would say use your own lifestyle. And I think more – I was going to say, just probably more empathetic and more gracious with my team at work. That we’re all doing the best we can and even just trying to make it a good environment and it starts with me. If I can stay positive and smile. And I think one time Marci was like, “Build the relationships, make the time to build the relationships with your team.” And I was putting task ahead of relationships.

And that was really eye-opening. So I think that’s how I’ve changed. I’m really trying to focus on the relationships with people. And I just thought and said this week, we’re all human, we have stuff going on in our personal lives. We’re all people. And the task is secondary to that. And sometimes we get lost in the task and so yeah, I think that’s been a big help and a big change for me.

Jen: And sounds like even a problem we as moms face, getting lost in the task ahead of the people, yeah. Mary Kay, how is talking with Marci different than talking with a friend?

Mary Kay: I think a friend, not that Marci doesn’t care about me, I think the friends have history with me and they just don’t want to see me hurt. And they just really, you know, sometimes you have those yes friends. And I need someone not to be the yes person because I really want to develop skills so that I am joyful. I want to find the joy in my job. And I think it was probably when I started I wasn’t sure where I should be. But now I’m like I do love my job, but I have other interests and I can make this job different.

And so a friend though, sometimes they’re just too close, there’s too much history. And it might jeopardize our relationship if we’re too honest. But I struggle with that too, Jen. I think a really good friend, you can share everything, and they stick in there with you and talk about it. And I think for Marci and I, it’s 30 minutes, and so we go over sometimes and I’m so grateful for that. It feels like a friendship. It’s a great question because I would say I feel like it’s a friend but it’s a friend that will tell me the truth. And listen to me and not, you know, people – Marci’s great at listening.

And sometimes your friends are cutting in trying to answer or think about how they’re going to answer. And a coach doesn’t do that. They really let me process and then I can see how Marci ties things together from what I’ve said. She’s truly listening to me. And sometimes friends, I think they mean well, and I mean well with my friends. But you’re wanting them, “Oh, let me make you feel better.” Or make you laugh or whatever. Whereas Marci’s just really tuned in and listening to the thread.

Jen: Yeah. That’s what I always say about coaches. They know how to listen. And often the general person in the world does not, sadly, that’s why I love coaches who know how to hold space like Marci, that’s great. Marci let’s jump over to you. Thanks, Mary Kay for answering those questions so well.

Mary Kay: Thank you.

Jen: Not that my questions are great. You answered them great.

Mary Kay: They are.

Jen: So, Marci, a big thing that happens when people begin the coaching process is they have to get clear on what they even want. Have you noticed that with Mary Kay and with your other clients at all?

Marci: Yes, for sure. Sometimes I think we lose ourselves in just all of the mayhem and crazy that’s going on around us. And we don’t take the time to ask ourselves what it is we even really want. We can’t answer that question. And so it’s digging in and being able to encourage the client to take that step back. And realize that okay, maybe in session one, session two, we’re not going to be able to solve the problem right off the bat. But we really need to look at what it is you want out of this. Where do you want to see yourself when this is over?

And kind of setting those intentions for what that feeling or those thoughts you’d like to have would be.

Jen: So can you give some examples of the types of things you’ve seen clients wanting, everything from things with kids, spouse, jobs, just give us a smattering of your experience with that.

Marci: I think a sense of belonging has been huge with a lot of my coaching clients. Peace has also been huge, I think we’ve been living in such a time filled with so much chaos that people just really want to feel peace. And when they’re living a life that’s out of alignment with the things they believe, their values, their dreams, it causes this disconnect inside them. And sometimes there is discontent or there’s sadness.

And so being able to really take a step away from those negative feelings and be able to say, “Okay, I want for myself, I want my home to be peaceful. I don’t want it to feel chaotic. I don’t want to see, have this clutter all over the place. I don’t want to feel like I’m running around because I’m working full-time and I’m involved in this organization, and I’m raising these kids, and I’m chasing them to all their activities.” And to allow them a space to really look at what’s really important to you? What are the things, the tenants that you hold true to yourself?

And how are we going to take this life you’ve got on the left and move that pendulum over so that you can actually experience the life on the other side, that leaves you feeling fulfilled, and satisfied, and peaceful, and building that community around you so you have that sense of belonging? We all have very, very common things I think, especially as women that we are seeking. And we don’t often talk about them just in general society. And so coaching does give you that space or that venue to have those conversations.

Jen: Well said, yeah, moving the pendulum. That’s great. So why can’t people do this on their own or why don’t they do it on their own do you think?

Marci: I have a theory. I think as women we are all really good about keeping promises to other people. But we really kind of suck at keeping promises to ourselves. And so we might say, “Hey, I want to make sure I’m exercising three times a week.” And whether that’s for physical reasons or because it might help your mental mindset. But then you’re going to get interrupted because something else comes along and all of a sudden your priority to yourself gets shoved all the way down the list. And we just don’t value, I don’t think, ourselves enough, sadly.

As a society we’ve gotten messaging that we’re just to give, give, give. And I think that’s why it’s so hard for us to give ourselves permission to put ourselves at the top of the list. And it’s a learned behavior. It’s something that you have to start with something small and gain those successes over time. Where, look at that, I did keep a promise to myself. I kept a promise to myself, no Diet Coke for 30 whole days. Now don’t talk to me about 31, but I did it for 30 days.

And so then you’re able to build on that. And then pretty soon you’re like, “I think I need a morning routine.” or “Oh, wait, I think I need to reparent or change the way I’m parenting my kids to provide some sanity in our structure.” Or “I need to look at switching jobs because this job is demanding things of me that I’m not willing to sacrifice.” But you have to start with being able to put yourself first and being able to truly honor what it is that you value. And you’ve got to know what that is, number one. And number two, you’ve got to hold yourself accountable to that.

And holding yourself accountable is hard. And that’s why again, I think coaching is so valuable. When I was going through certification, yes, I learned all these tools and all this stuff about how to build a business. But the best part of it for me was the peer coaching every week. And I still have a coach from that group that I coach with every week.

And it’s not something I’m probably ever going to let go of because even when you feel like your life is going great, there’s still things that you really want that sounding board for and someone who’s going to say, “Hey, are you at the top of your list right now? Because what you just told me doesn’t really feel like that’s maybe what’s going on for you.”

Jen: Yeah, that’s great. To hear what they’re saying and reflect it back and catch what they’re saying. And say, “I heard you say this.” “Oh, really, did I say that?” Yeah, that’s great. So you said, number one, people need to figure out what they even want. And then number two, to have that accountability. Does that feel true to you as well, Mary Kay, those are the two big things? Would you add anything?

Mary Kay: Yeah, I think the knowing what you want was huge. And I was sitting here reflecting. And I would say a lot of people don’t know what they want for sure. But even to get quiet enough to listen. And it’s scary. So I kind of struggled with, I think I probably fell in that, you know, I would almost question myself. I think I do know what I want but it’s scary. And maybe I’m looking for someone to give me the, you know, I was trying to think, do I need the validation from my coach or that accountability?

Sometimes I would say, “I’m not ready for that accountability yet.” And I think that’s where a lot of, I would say, people and women for sure is trusting the whispers, trusting, get quiet, really that true joy. And it’s just scary sometimes. And I think for me what I was looking for in a coach, is to help me kind of figure out is it a big jump off of this cliff? Or is it, I can really do both? And find the joy and purpose in my job. And I remember one time Marci said to me, “Where do I have the most impact?”

And that really has resonated with me, I still think about that every time I look at, where is my impact? And I really, you know, so I love the group X and teaching that. And I think I do have a lot of impact there. So yeah, I was going to say fear and just really listening to your true inside, your spirit that’s telling you what you need to go and do and be confident. And I don’t, you know, confident, it’s more – and maybe that’s the coach is there representing, like, “You’ve got this.” And even help processing it out or the planning of it.

And sometimes I think even with my partner, and he’s great and very supportive but at times he’s like, “Well whatever you decide.” And I’m like, “Well, I need help deciding. I don’t know.” And I think that’s the difference, Jen, with the friend or even your partner, they just decide, we want you to be happy but sometimes you’re just not sure and that’s where a coach is very valuable, very valuable.

Jen: Yeah, finding that confidence in your decision, yeah. Marci, I’m curious, I find in coaching a lot of times the coach can see or hear the client talking about the shoulds, those external things we think are true, that may not be true. Have you noticed that as well? And how do you help with that as a coach?

Marci: Yes. And I’m sure Mary Kary can testify to this because we’ve walked through lots of shoulds. And every client I have coached with, we have walked around that. And sometimes it’s shoulds that we get from society or from other people in our lives. But what I find even more intriguing is the shoulds we put on ourselves. And so I will ask on a regular basis, “Who’s putting that on you, is that you? Is that something you heard somewhere?” And then when they realize it’s something they’re doing to themselves that is really like a watershed moment.

It’s like, “Oh my goodness, I’m the one holding myself responsible for this!” And I think it’s very easy for us to blame society and the messaging we get in society. When sometimes it’s truly us that are holding ourselves captive in this state of unhappiness. And that’s very empowering once people are able to see that and to realize, they hear the word even, some of the people I coach with. They’ll hear themselves start to say, “Well, I should be.” And then they’ll go, “No, no, no, wait.”

And so that’s a very, very powerful tool in their box now as they go forward, to realize that there are no shoulds that you have to comply with.

Jen: So freeing, yeah. Have you noticed the sense of freedom from letting go of some of those shoulds, Mary Kay?

Mary Kay: I catch it more. And I was just agreeing with Marci, and I think I absolutely put the shoulds on myself. And more times when she asked me, no one’s told me it’s what I think I should be doing. I should be leading better and should. And I would say if you’re the perfectionist of what will people think, and many of us do that and no one’s told us. And I think that’s what I really am learning through the thought table, can I prove it in a court of law? No. So that’s my thought.

That’s really been challenging for me is to up-level my thoughts has been really hard because it’s years of that negative thinking. And so it’s been really good to learn that tool. But yeah, absolutely I would agree with Marci that shoulds are there and that’s I think the beauty of a coach is pointing that out. And then you start to catch it and I just think this, or I think I should, I am putting this expectation on myself. No one else has put this on me.

Jen: Yeah. And I’ll just add my own experience. I, too, need a coach because there are blind spots where I’m still putting shoulds on myself. I’ll be sometimes shocked, my coach will catch it and say, I’ll say, “I didn’t know. Okay, I heard that come out of my mouth. I can’t believe I just said that, okay, rephrase, reframe, we’re getting rid of that.” So coaches need coaches too, we all need coaches, I think it can be really humbling.

Marci: I would agree, yeah.

Jen: Well, a final question for both of you, who do you think needs a coach and why? Mary Kay, you go first.

Mary Kay: I think why, the why for me, is to be heard, to process with someone, I really just really think to find your joy and your peace. I think if we can find joy and peace in our life that’s what it’s all about. And regardless of what you do, if I am loving whatever I do, that’s what this is about. And well, there you go, Marci, your coaching’s worked perfectly. I have figured it out. But I just think it’s to find joy in your life, no matter what it is because that’s truly our purpose in life is to love what we do and love everyone around us. So I think everyone needs it, yeah.

Jen: Well said. Well said, thank you. And Marci, how about you?

Marci: Well, I would also say everyone because I think you’d be hard pressed to find anybody who doesn’t have something in their life that is making them feel less than stellar. And sometimes you just really need to get out of that wash, rinse, repeat cycle. It’s very easy for us to just fall into the pattern of tolerating something that does not bring us joy, that does not make us happy. And that’s really lowering the quality of life that we’re living. And it can be some small things. It doesn’t have to be anything huge or gigantic.

It can be something little that’s disrupting your peace or stealing your joy. So anybody who’s feeling any kind of just those little triggers, those little pain points that are constantly you’re just like, “Gosh, why have I been doing this for two months? Why have I been doing this for two years? Why have I been doing this for two decades?” We all carry stuff like that with us. And when the pain of staying stuck is more than the fear of having to walk through to the other side of that, that is when you’re going to see fast movement in coaching.

Because you just, you have to decide you’re done feeling that way and a coach can help you really figure out what it is that’s making you feel that way. And can hold your hand and stand beside you and ask you the tough questions to help guide you to your own resolution of how you get to the other side of that.

Mary Kay: Jen, if I could add, I was thinking in my career, I’ve had a career coach really look at my resumé and my cover letter. And I feel coaching, life coaching is similar to that but for life. It was just another set of eyes. I wrote it and I put it together. But it’s nice to have another set of eyes to just fine-tune it to make it even better. And I feel that’s the same with Marci is she’s just helping fine-tune me and helped me see the good and find the joy. So yeah, I thought that was a good kind of analogy there.

Jen: Yeah, great. Well, I appreciate you both sharing. I love coaching. I think it’s life changing. I’m so excited about coaching, excited enough that I started the Vibrant Happy Women coach certification of which you are a graduate, Marci. And now offering coaching in the Vibrant Happy Women Club. Final advice from either of you to our listeners as we say goodbye.

Marci: I would say my final advice would be don’t spend another day feeling stuck in whatever it is you’re experiencing in your life. Go ahead, jump in, find yourself a life coach. Join the Vibrant Happy Women Club. It is a club of like-minded women all kind of on the same path of trying to increase our joy. And so I would not lay your head on that pillow another day and go to sleep without having taken some action on that front. Because getting rid of those icky feelings literally is one Google search away. And you don’t have to continue to exist like that.

Jen: Alright, Mary Kay, any final words of wisdom or advice?

Mary Kay: I would kind of echo Marci. And I was thinking, I have this quote, that it’s with courage greater than your fear, jump into the unknown and you will fly. And I started off, I wanted a circle of women and the coaching. And it was just like I thought give it a few months. And then if it’s not working out, there’s an out. But I think we’re in now several months. So I dabble where I need to go so it’s been great. I thought I needed the circle but now then I realized, no, I need the coaching more. But I also dabble in the circle.

So yeah, I would say try it, try everything once, try it once, come on, it’s good, it’s great.

Jen: Yeah. Well, thank you both for sharing, I appreciate you being on. I think you’re both amazing. I’m so glad I got to know you both and thanks again.

                                                                                                                  

So that is coaching in a nutshell. I personally love coaching and try to never be without a coach because like all humans, sometimes I am not aware of the thoughts I am thinking that are keeping me stuck. I need an independent observer to hear the words coming out of my mouth and to reflect and help me identify my limiting beliefs, or emotions I need to process, or a boundary I might need to set.

Now, if you’re wondering if coaching might be right for you I have a couple of questions to ask you. Do you feel like you never seem to make progress towards your goals? Do you easily make time for everyone else but never yourself? Do you want more from life than you’ve been getting in the past. If you answered yes to any of those questions then coaching would be really helpful for you. In the Vibrant Happy Women Club we offer coaching as part of the transformational level.

You get access to weekly one-on-one coaching with a coach of your choice. And there are 10 coaches to choose from. You simply schedule your time at a time that’s convenient for you which can include weekends, lunches, evenings. And you meet with your coach over Zoom or over phone and work on your goals. All while limiting beliefs are being eliminated, processing your emotions if needed and establishing those healthy boundaries. You will really change fast with the help of a coach.

If you would like to join us I highly recommend that you jump in. You can do so at jenriday.com/join. Remember to select the transformation level. And I want to ask you one final thing, what do you have to lose? Either you’ll try it and feel like no, or which I think will really happen, you’ll try it and be blown away in how much you could grow and change in just a short period of time. Learn more at jenriday.com/join.

I’m going to leave you with one final thought. You are the architect of your life, nobody else is to blame, no excuses, no regrets. Take 100% responsibility for how you feel in the year ahead, what you achieve, how your relationships look, what your health looks like. All those things you want are within your reach. You just have to take that leap and go for it, getting the support and the help you need to make long term lasting change.

My friends, I love you. I honor you. I’m so grateful you were here, and I wish you all the best. Until next time make it a vibrant and happy week. Take care.

If you enjoy this podcast, you have to check out the Vibrant Happy Women Club. It’s my monthly group coaching program where we take all this material to the next level and to get you the results that will blow your mind. Join me in the Vibrant Happy Women Club at jenriday.com/join.

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