Today, I’m joined by speaker and coach, Jaya Rose, who also happens to be highly sensitive like me. Jaya is one of the most spiritually and emotionally juicy people I know. She has a deep passion for helping women manage their emotions and mindset, and isn’t afraid to love herself regardless of what anyone thinks.
When we’re in the midst of a struggle, it can be hard to see how the situation might benefit us. But, there is a duality to everything in life. And by cultivating the superpower of awareness, it’s easier to see that duality. If you’re aware of your thoughts, you can identify how they're limiting you, and gently divert the path.
We’re talking about the stigma around being a highly sensitive person and all the gifts you were naturally born with. By staying in curiosity, being aware of your thoughts, and loving yourself, you can share your gifts with the world.
Jen Riday: You're listening to the Vibrant Happy Women Podcast, episode number 217. We're talking about emotions today. Stay tuned.
Hi, I'm Jen Riday. This podcast is for women who want to feel more vibrant, happy, aligned, and alive. You'll gain the emotional, physical, and spiritual tools you need to get your sparkle back and ensure that depression, anxiety, and struggle don't rule your life. Welcome to the Vibrant Happy Women Podcast.
Hey, my friends. Welcome back to Vibrant Happy Women. I am so excited to be talking to Jaya Rose today about love, and fear, and all the emotions in between. This is an important topic. We'll be talking about it over the next several weeks because managing your emotions helps you to be a happier person and a better mom.
Now, no pressure. I'm not saying you can't feel. In fact, I'm saying the opposite. We need to allow ourselves to feel the whole range of our emotions. If you're feeling anxiety, you can lean into it, allow yourself to feel it, but then there are some tools that can help you shift out of that anxiety, or that sadness, or that frustration more quickly.
So, throughout the month of May, we are going to be talking about emotions and emotional resilience in the Vibrant Happy Women Club. Yes, you can just listen to the podcast and glean a lot of things, but if you want to take action and connect with other women who are taking action in this area via Zoom, the online video platform, we use it all the time and have for many, many months even before Coronavirus.
If you want to connect and really take action on emotional resilience, join us for May in the Vibrant Happy Women Club. We're going to be doing guided meditations, group discussions on various emotions like anxiety, anger, sadness, and the positive emotions like love, joy, and peace. What are emotions? What's happening in our bodies when we experience them? How can we not allow feelings of anxiety, frustration, or anger, or sadness to overflow into our lives and make us snappy and critical with our kids and our spouses?
How do we handle it when our spouse does that thing that is so annoying, and we want to react, and we want to yell? How do we manage that so that we're feeling the emotions without hurting other people? We're going to be talking all about this, and I would love to have you join us in the Vibrant Happy Women Club for May at JenRiday.com/join. I promise it will change your life. It will make you a better person.
All right. Well, today, Jaya Rose, my friend, a Portlander from Portland, Oregon. She is going to be talking with me, or I'm going to be talking with her in this interview, about emotions and about love and fear, and it's really juicy, my favorite word. I can't wait for you to listen. Let's go ahead and dive in.
Hey, everyone. I am speaking with my friend, Jaya Rose, who is a speaker, a Soul Brand coach, and she helps women speak their truth and share their stories so they can move a powerful message into the world. I met Jaya in Santa Fe, New Mexico at a transformational speaking event, and it's so true. Jaya has a gift of seeing your gifts, and your story, and how you can help others with that story. So, I'm super excited to have you on the show to talk about that today, Jaya.
Jaya Rose: Yes. All I want to say is boom. That just was so good.
Jen Riday: So, Jaya, I had you speak at the Vibrant Happy Women Online Retreat. We did it via Zoom. I think I'm going to set up another one. That was super fun, and you talked to us about fear and love. Let's start there, and then we'll weave into the fact that we all have a story, essentially, that ties into our feelings of fear and love. We'll just see where it goes.
Jaya Rose: So good. Yeah, that was a really fun event, and it's so amazing how deep people are willing to get. I think so many of us function in these really surface level environments. We're all just craving these real conversations, and the real conversations are about fear and love.
Jen Riday: Throughout the podcast this month, we're talking about emotions, and a lot of people aren't even aware of what they're thinking or feeling. They just know they feel uncomfortable, and they want out. So, we'll engage in numbing behaviors like Netflix, or eating all the chocolate, making some brownies, whatever it is. Tell us your thoughts about fear and love, and how those represent all the emotions, kind of the ends of the spectrum.
Jaya Rose: Well, I'd love to touch on the numbing part, which is fear. Like you said, it's fear of the feelings. When we have high intensity feelings, we fear them, and especially because we're not taught that they're okay. Most of us don't grow up in an environment where it's welcomed to have big emotion. I have kids. I don't know that I'm teaching them it's welcome, and I'm aware of it.
I'm aware of allowing them their feelings, and it still drives me bonkers when my six-year-old has big emotions. So, this is a real thing to look at. How are we allowing ourselves or disallowing ourselves to feel what we actually feel? I do the same thing. I love me some Netflix. I don't think we have to be perfect at all.
Jen Riday: No. Sometimes you just need to stop feeling for a while, and that's okay. Sometimes you're done.
Jaya Rose: I think it’s better. Yeah, I think it’s better, especially if it's spiraling into anxiety or overwhelm, sometimes it's better to just break the loop and get out of it for a little while.
Jen Riday: Yeah, I agree.
Jaya Rose: And then come back with a new perspective.
Jen Riday: Totally. It's shifting though. Do you feel like that with your older daughter? Is she really good at talking about her feelings because you were her mom?
Jaya Rose: She's a lot better than I was at 23, and my six-year-old is way better than any of us, period.
Jen Riday: Really?
Jaya Rose: Oh, yeah. She's highly sensitive, and I'm highly sensitive as well, and so we talk about that, and she knows that she has 20 kids in her class, so four people on average are going to be highly sensitive, and we've identified who are those people and how are they different. It's really fascinating. So, she's well-equipped.
Jen Riday: When you say highly sensitive, I think a lot of our listeners would be that, and it's not a term. Somehow, it's been used derogatorily. You're too sensitive. How do you look at it positively?
Jaya Rose: Well, it's an actual trait. So, I think first of all, it's important to understand that if you're highly sensitive, it is a bit like a diagnosis. You can be diagnosed, and it's not a sentence like a life death sentence or something. But it's really good to understand about yourself because you have certain characteristics and traits that 80% present of the population don't have.
Therefore, you're a minority. The other thing to understand is that sensitivity is actually not the best word for it. The woman, Elaine Aron, she's really like the godmother of the research on this. What's interesting is that it's not sensitive the way you would say, “Oh, you're being sensitive,” emotionally sensitive. That's a different thing. When I say I'm highly sensitive, you might think, “Oh, does that mean she's weak? Does that mean she's frail? Does that mean she's emotionally really, really sensitive and her feelings get hurt?”
Jen Riday: Desperate, needy.
Jaya Rose: No, because actually, I'm a total badass, and a very strong woman, and you would never think those things of me. So, actually, a really good word to use instead of sensitivity, i t's not that you're sensitive, it's that you're actually in tune.
Jen Riday: Oh, yeah.
Jaya Rose: That's what it is. When you walk in the room, you are more sensitive to the light, to the sound, to the noise, to the energy, but it's not because you're sensitive. It's because you picking up, you're actually more finely tuned, and you're picking up these things where other people don't have the trait that makes them have the ability to.
Jen Riday: Do you think it can be learned?
Jaya Rose: No, not this. I think that you can become more in tune by becoming more aware on a conscious level. That's consciousness. But this is different than consciousness. This is a body, this is nervous system. This is your body, the way that your body responds to energy. Highly sensitive people are sensitive to all different things, but yeah, a good way to look at it is like noise.
For me, if I'm in a restaurant, and I'm talking, I want to talk to you. I really want to listen because that's actually my superpower, is listening to you, and reading into what you're saying, and the empathy, feeling what you're saying. If there's somebody sitting across from us who's being really loud and telling really obnoxious stories, it will pull my energy so hardcore, that I won't be able to focus. That's the sensitivity, where maybe someone else can just tune that out. Does that make sense?
Jen Riday: Yeah. So, would you say there's an overlap with ADHD or some people with autism have high sensitivities? It's so interesting to think about that.
Jaya Rose: I think so. I think these things sometimes, not to say they're misdiagnosed, but I think they could be co-diagnosis.
Jen Riday: Oh, that's an interesting lens because we have ADHD and autism in our family, and to look at that whole thing, all the times teachers said they were in trouble, they were just so in tune with all of these stimuli coming in. They're like, “Ah, too much information.” Yeah, I got you.
Jaya Rose: Well, autism, I think that it's a more severe case of high sensitivity, but it is a similar thing, and that's nothing to do with emotions necessarily.
Jen Riday: The emotions come if a highly sensitive person doesn't know how to handle it or deal with it.
Jaya Rose: It’s a reaction of it, but it's not the cause.
Jen Riday: So, how do you think high sensitivity becomes a gift for you? It could be a hard thing with distraction, like you mentioned, but what makes it a gift?
Jaya Rose: Something really cool about this trait is that Elaine Aron has done all this research, and this information I'm talking about, I got from her book, so you guys should check it out. But specifically, the idea that because 80% of the population is not highly sensitive, this is a small margin of people. So, she did research specifically around why is the margin this small, and why are these people here at all? If it wasn't important, if it wasn't needed, why does 20% have this trait?
Jen Riday: Oh, yeah. Why? What's the answer?
Jaya Rose: So, it’s needed. What's the answer in terms of evolution? The answer becomes the difference between a warrior and a counselor. These are different characteristic traits. Another part of the high sensitivity is this part of the brain that tells us whether or not we should be afraid, or take action, or we should pause. I'm forgetting the name of it.
It's a specific part of the brain that we access through every choice. It's like, “Is that safe? Is it not safe?” So, 80% the population is going to go ahead and do it anyway. They're not going to stop and think, “What is every repercussion of that? Hm, I wonder.” So, maybe they're going to make a mistake, and that's fine, but they're just going to go for it.
These are warriors. These are the people who you want on the front line going out there because a highly sensitive person is going to have too much insight into what the other people may do to have the courage to do it because they might die. They’re like, “Right, but I could actually intuit the response of the grenade you just through.”
Jen Riday: Yeah, right. Funny.
Jaya Rose: So, the warrior, we need them, and that's why most of the people are the warrior in terms of keeping civilization going. It’s important stuff. On the back end of that, we need counselors. We need the people who are making the bigger decisions, not just taking the action.
Jen Riday: Yes. Oh, I like that. The wisdom people.
Jaya Rose: The wisdom people. Yeah, we're the wisdom people. That's why we make such great, well, counselors, therapists, life coaches, teachers. These roles are often filled by people who are highly sensitive and identify with the trait. So, the gift is that you use the part of your brain that makes you stop and think, and recognize repercussions before they happen.
Jen Riday: Oh, that's beautiful. I love that.
Jaya Rose: One thing that's very uncomfortable for me is hunger. Another thing is that I need to eat really healthy, or I don't feel good. Like how some people are like, “Oh, I just haven't been eating healthy lately.” I'm like, “I will die.” I cannot do that. I just feel horrible. I've known this from such a young age.
I go travel. Say I'm flying somewhere. I will pack all my healthy food and snacks. It’s not because I’m really controlling and a psycho health freak. Maybe that's true, but I know that I will feel bad. I know exactly how I'll feel, and I'm able to avoid that feeling by making new choices.
Jen Riday: Well, I have to just comment. At the transformational speaking event where we were, this all makes sense. You needed to use the bathroom frequently. I bet you're sensitive to that. You were snacking, and yeah, you had all the healthy foods.
Jaya Rose: Yes.
Jen Riday: “Oh, Jaya needs to go to the bathroom again?”
Jaya Rose: Yeah, it's because I hydrate because I actually drink a gallon of water every day, and it was elevation. I had elevation sickness, so I was probably drinking even more.
Jen Riday: Oh, yeah, me too. That's true.
Jaya Rose: So, I pee every 45 minutes because I drink. Yeah, because I feel horrible if I don't drink enough water, where some people can get away with that. I can’t.
Jen Riday: That's cool.
Jaya Rose: I can’t get away with anything. So, the attunement to yourself makes you a better counselor because you can attune to other people. Then intuition is the flip side of the high sensitivity. If we have a coin, one side is intuition, and the other is sensitivity. So, if you're highly sensitive, and you do not take care of the sensitivities, your intuition will not work as well as it could.
Jen Riday: Oh, that's so true for me. I essentially, to be highly intuitive and feel really good, I have to knock out a solid two-hour, maybe sometimes three-hour morning routine. It has all these little pieces, but when I've nailed them, I feel so good. Before we started recording you said, “Jen, how much coffee did you drink?” I thought, “Well, that's not it. I just did my full, solid morning routine.”
Jaya Rose: Oh, better than coffee.
Jen Riday: Yeah, that's so interesting.
Jaya Rose: That's so good. So, here's the thing, the challenge of this because then you're like, “Wow,” maybe some people are thinking, “I wish I was highly sensitive. This sounds cool.” It is really cool, but it's very misunderstood, and it's misunderstood and misconstrued as control a lot of times because we do need more control over our lives.
Like you're saying, this three-hour routine, some people will be like, “That's insane. I don't have time for that,” or maybe on the flip side is like, for example, if I'm going to speak at an event, I have very specific needs to be able to show up and engage with people because I engage with people at a high level. I don't just halfway do it.
That's not how I work, and so I know that I need meditation, again, with the healthy food, with the hydration, and the sleep. So, maybe I would say, “Hey, actually, I can't open the event because I'm flying in the day before from the West Coast. There's going to be a time change, and I need to speak later in the day or the second day because that's when my energy will be better.”
Jen Riday: That's so smart.
Jaya Rose: Somebody might be like, “What is she, a diva?”
Jen Riday: Yes. For years, in my marriage, I have to have solid, quiet sleep. I'm very, I guess, sensitive to noise, but also, I have to have the eight hours or it affects my emotions all day long. I feel off. So interesting.
Jaya Rose: Exactly. It's a matter of becoming an advocate for yourself, and being okay with other people not understanding because like I just said, 80% of people don't understand, and they probably won't understand, and that can be a real big barrier to actually having your needs met in this world.
Jen Riday: Yeah. Well, let's shift and talk about emotions for highly sensitive people. Is this true for you? It's probably true for me. If I haven't taken care of all of my needs through that solid morning routine, or sleep, or hydration, I'm way more prone to experience the lower vibration emotions of depression, or frustration, or resentment. Does that feel true for you? Would you say that's common for highly sensitive people?
Jaya Rose: Oh, 100%. I joke, it's not a joke, but it's true. I say, “I'm either thriving or suffering, and I have no in between.”
Jen Riday: Yes. Isn’t that weird? True for me too. I never put that into words. Thriving or suffering. How funny.
Jaya Rose: Yes, those things you said are very true. The way I look at it as an edge. My edge is a lot closer than other people. So, in order to not get to the edge, which frustration, for me, anxiety, those lower vibration feelings, fear starts to come in, in the past, more often negative self-talk would've come in, and you just get funky. That edge is just closer for me.
Say, for example, if you were physically thinking about this edge. Maybe the edge lives like a foot out from some people, and they're like, “Oh, I'm way outside myself, and I don't feel good, and now I'm cranky.” Well, for me, it's only six inches. So, I got to stay in the zone, like in myself. That's why your morning routine is so important. These things allow you to come home to who you really are.
Jen Riday: That's funny because for a long time, I felt guilty for needing this solid, long morning routine, but thanks for helping me justify it, Jaya.
Jaya Rose: 100%. It’s whatever it takes to come home to yourself and be able to maintain that relationship with yourself throughout a stressful, busy day.
Jen Riday: And the alternative is to show up totally frazzled, cranked out like crazy energy. Everyone doesn't want to be around you. I wish we could shift the conversation around self-care a little bit faster so that people don't feel guilty for it because everyone picks up on that energy when you're off. It's so contagious.
Jaya Rose: You know what? We should make a shirt that says, “I suck without self-care.”
Jen Riday: Yes.
Jaya Rose: There's my soul branding for you. That's true, and you're right. There's a lot of unlearning that needs to happen in order to embrace who you really are.
Jen Riday: Yeah, that's true. Well, let's talk about stories. Big shift here. I love what you shared about sensitivity and emotion. Every one of us has this collection of experiences that we live in our lives, and many of us go to our graves never even understanding there's a theme.
So, tell us more about what you do with helping people figure out why certain things have happened, and how to see these patterns and start to realize, “Oh, this was all preparing me for something. I have people I need to help, or lives I can touch, and this is the talent I have to share.”
Jaya Rose: I love that question. We can kind of zoom in and zoom out, and the zoomed in version of this is really about thinking and having the mindset and perspective that everything happens for a reason. Without recognizing that there was value in it, it's really hard to frame the story in a way that's helpful for you or anyone else.
So, I think this is where it really starts. If you're listening, and you're somebody who doesn't have a reason to dive into all your stories and create a brand around it, a legacy around your story, that is okay because the value of recognizing that your stories is actually where all of your growth, like every story you tell is about your whole experience of growth in your life.
Of course that happened for a reason, and of course that growth is meant to become a ripple effect. Whether it's for your kids, for your immediate family or your friends, whatever social circle, this is the reason that we're here, is to grow.
Jen Riday: Well, let's go right to the thorn that is in people's minds. Coronavirus. Let's talk about that. It's been a big thing. By the time this airs, I don't know where it will be, but we're in the thick of it right now when we're recording. Deaths will happen, and a lot of people might say, “Oh, why would God/the universe allow that to happen?” How do you teach that even suffering is happening for a reason?
Jaya Rose: Have you heard people say, and maybe in a meme online where someone says, “It's happening for you, not to you.” Is that what people say?
Jen Riday: Yeah.
Jaya Rose: Well, here's what I have to say. Screw that. First of all, that is not helpful. Is it true? Yes. Is it helpful? No.
Jen Riday: Oh, yeah. You're at a funeral, “This is happening for you.”
Jaya Rose: I will shove you. No. You have been shoved. A reframe that I like to use because here's the thing, hindsight is 20/20, and once you've healed from something, sure, fine and dandy, it happened for you. So, the way that we can start to understand that it's happening for us as it's happening is really not to say, “Oh, this is happening for me,” and try and shove that perspective down your throat because that's not how it's going to feel.
If you're having grief, if you're suffering, if you're fearful, that is not the next step. The next step is to have curiosity, and just to be open to that, “I wonder.” This is what I say when I'm like, “Oh, I feel like crap,” or, “This is not how I thought it was going to go.” I would just say, “I wonder what's in this for me.”
Jen Riday: That's interesting. I must have had the flu from last November to probably mid-February. I didn't get resentful because I had learned enough about struggle to say, “Okay, I wonder what's next,” because I knew every time something big happens, I struggled first.
Jaya Rose: Well, it's duality. It’s duality. We’re never going to have one thing without the other thing. This is a law of the universe. This is the way it works. Any spiritual teachings, there's always the paradox. Two things are true simultaneously, and so this is just how life is. In order to experience the highs, the gratitude, those positive feelings. If you don't have a duality and something to compare it to, it would be neutral, wouldn't it? It's like a sounding board. You're like, “Oh, well I know that I don't want that, and I'm going to put effort towards being a different way.” That's a truth. It takes effort.
Jen Riday: It gives you an impetus to even try to change. I know when I was sick, I threw everything out of my life that was unnecessary, and I got really focused. I think that level of focus was to shift up to that next level of happiness and showing up.
Jaya Rose: 100%. So, I don't think that it's required. I'm personally working on a new understanding of mindset that says I can still shift and grow without struggle. It’s not required to have struggle.
Jen Riday: Oh, yeah. I'm going to work on that one too.
Jaya Rose: Exactly. So, first level, understand that your struggle is there for you, and that you're going to come out of it and be more who you're meant to be.
Jen Riday: Yes.
Jaya Rose: Second level, we don't have to have that struggle to become who we're meant to be.
Jen Riday: I like that. Well, back to the stories. You look back and think, “Okay, I had these 5, 10, 15, whatever hard times in my life.” How do you get people to see the theme of what's happening, and how it's helping them to recognize they have a story that they can use to help other people?
Jaya Rose: Well, any story as a hero's journey, the hero is the person who's going to go through something, and then they're going to find something that will shift them. There's going to be a turning point in every story. In order to actually understand your own stories, first of all, what we just were talking about, we have the turning point.
We need to be able to say, “What was in this for me?” So, we question it. If I were just to say to you, “Pick one time in your life that was really hard that is enough in the past that you have hindsight on, and tell me one thing that came out of that that's positive.”
Jen Riday: You really want me to do this right now?
Jaya Rose: Yeah, let's do it.
Jen Riday: Okay, sure. I already know the answer, but so I'm going to share it because I've thought about it. A miscarriage, it was my sixth miscarriage after a decade of trying to be the perfect parent, and fighting like crazy in my marriage. All that pain pushed me over an edge where I said, “Enough. I'm going to be happy no matter what. That was the beginning of self-care and changing all my energy, but the pain was required to get me to say, “Oh, that's it. I'm done with that.” You know?
Jaya Rose: Yeah. So, to go away from. That's a big, big one thing. There's a story. That's a story worthy of a keynote. Imagine how many people that would touch. So, we can ask the question, “How do we find the value in the story?” Well, we do what we just did. Let me ask you. What's a positive thing that came out of it ? And I guarantee everybody, even the worst things in the world, you'll find something positive that came out of it.
Jen Riday: I've noticed some people resist finding the positive in the situation. It's like they cling to the story that they were hurt, and all was lost, and don't move on. How do you move beyond that?
Jaya Rose: Are you familiar with Gay Hendricks?
Jen Riday: Yes.
Jaya Rose: We were talking about Gay Hendricks and The Big Leap. I really do like the teachings of the “Upper Limits”. I think that we do what we're comfortable doing, and sometimes we're comfortable being uncomfortable, and that means being sad or being depressed, and we're just caught in the story. We're caught in a loop. So, even though that story happened a long time ago, you're in the story now.
That's the issue, is you're saying, “Oh, I'm a victim. I've always been a victim. Let me tell you 15 stories as to create evidence as to why I'm a victim.” Well, the reason that you're still feeling like a victim is because you're still caught in the loop of that victim story. I think the question was why do we do that? Probably people are doing that because they don't have any other evidence, and they don't have any other role models, and that's normal.
Jen Riday: How? You were about to answer the how. How do they get out of that?
Jaya Rose: We need to be exposed to something new, and that means that sometimes we need to seek. I think multiple things happen when we're ready for a spiritual awakening, which when you're ready to shift your story, that's what I would call it. So, maybe you could use different language, but we're either going to have something come into our awareness that enables us to seek something new.
You just get an idea, or you see a commercial for something, or you run into somebody on the street, and for some reason, something hits in a new way, and you're ready to see it differently, and now, you need to seek for something new. So, that's possible. Something else is that you just get smacked over the head with the truth. If you get smacked in the head with the truth enough times, at some point, you'll have to be willing to see it.
Jen Riday: That's cool. I love that. I think all of us can up level or have a more of a spiritual awakening. How do we identify maybe a limiting story and do the reframe?
Jaya Rose: Well, like we're saying, awareness is the key. Without awareness, we just stay the same. Awareness is the superpower. This is one of my favorite things, and I learned this from a brain coach. He teaches that when you have the thought of awareness. So, for example, I'm stuck in this story. Why is this happening to me again? This why is this happening to me could become a trigger that you are stuck in a negative loop because instead of, “I'm curious, what's in this for me?” It's, “Why is this happening for me?” Feel the difference?
Jen Riday: Totally.
Jaya Rose: So, we need to create an awareness pattern around the way we're thinking, and ultimately, usually for people, that comes with how we're feeling because that is going to trigger, “Why is this always happening to me?” Boom, heaviness. Now, I feel bad. Now, there's more evidence of it.
So, at some point, and it's really up to you, for you the listener, wherever you can catch yourself in this. The closer you catch yourself to the thought, the more quickly you can shift it. When it turns into feeling, you're farther away from the thought.
Jen Riday: Go back to the thought. That's the root of the feelings.
Jaya Rose: Yeah, go back. So, on some level, and maybe it's not the exact words, “Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?” These are all questions that we ask ourselves. So, as close as you can get to identifying those, you might need to start with the feeling. Why do I feel bad about myself? Here I am judging myself in the mirror again.
Well, you probably asked yourself, “What's wrong with me?” Now, this is the brain coach thing that I love. When we have that awareness of the negative thought, what happens for most people is they get pissed at themselves. You're like, “Okay.” So, for example, I'm judging myself in the mirror. I'm like, “Oh, I gained 30 pounds. Whoa, I feel so yucky. What's wrong with me? Why did I do this?” Okay, back it up. What's wrong with me?
There is a really key thought to have that’s going to trigger this. “God, why am I thinking that again?” We start judging. This is the key thing, and this is so cool. If you can just stop judging your judgment, you're winning. You have to celebrate the awareness. This takes a lot of willingness to see because it's not like it's comfortable. You're like, “Oh, I have the awareness. Great, look at me judging myself again.”
Jen Riday: I'm so good at that. I am so good at judging.
Jaya Rose: I love it. Let's get there. That's awesome. That's where I've gotten to, and I've been doing this, what I'm saying right now, for 12 years consistently, like undoing it. I'm undoing all of those negative thoughts.
Jen Riday: You're the scientist of your mind. You stay in curiosity.
Jaya Rose: Yes. Yes, I do, but I will not just say, “Oh, yeah, I'm cool, and you're not.” It's like, no, this took practice and intention, and I got tired of the old way. So, it's duality again. Two things true at the same time. You're sick of it. You’re sick a feeling this way, and you have to freaking celebrate that you know you're sick of it.
Jen Riday: Yes. Then how do you change the thoughts to get a new feeling?
Jaya Rose: As soon as we do this, this is the shift. What's so cool is we want to think about our mind having these grooves in it, and these are the neuropathways that create repetition. I like to think about water because it just works for me. So, let me give you this analogy. It's like a river. You know how if you look at a river with running water? It has grooves, and there's no way that it's going to turn and go a different way. It's going the way it's going. Because why? Because it's been going that way.
Jen Riday: Exactly.
Jaya Rose: It's the only reason. The only reason. So, the only reason that you're thinking badly about yourself when look in the mirror is because you've thought badly about yourself when you look in the mirror before. That's it. In order to create a diversion, we have to have a dam, which is the awareness. We just dammed the water, which I know in natural life we don't want to do because that's not good for natural habitat. So, let’s not do that. Okay? Go environment.
Jen Riday: Eco friendly plug right there.
Jaya Rose: But in terms of our mind, let’s dam it. Okay?
Jen Riday: Dam it.
Jaya Rose: We need space. We're like, “Stop going that direction.” So, in order to shift it into a new direction, we first have to stop the flow. We stop the flow, and then we need a mantra. This is the way I use mantras. I don't really do that, “I am beautiful. I am free.” This doesn't really do much for me. This is where you need a mantra. Let's go with the body theme.
So, we're looking at ourselves, we're saying, “What's wrong with me? How did I do this to myself?” Jab, jab. Awareness, I just thought of that is, “Oh, that doesn't feel good. Yay, I thought of that. Yay, I thought of that.” Don't even go into the feelings. Just, “Yay, I thought that. Yay, I thought that. Yay, I thought.” That, that's the dam. That's not the new way. That's the dam. What is going to lead us down a new path?
It's probably not, “Actually, I look hot in these size 48 jeans, in these mom jeans.” Maybe we're not going to believe that. Hey, size 48, God bless you. You know what I'm saying. If you want to be a size 12, and you're a size 48, this might be where some of the thoughts are coming from. So, instead of, “Oh, yes. I'm so amazing. Oh, yes,” no, it's, “How could I love myself more right now?”
Jen Riday: The question.
Jaya Rose: We have to trigger the new direction with a question. “Yay, I had the thought. Yay, I had that self-deprecating bullshit thought. How can I love myself more right now?” Totally new pathway.
Jen Riday: And that's the mantra? How can I love myself more right now?
Jaya Rose: Yeah, like, “What's wrong with me?” Because I used to feel that way all the time being highly sensitive, and then I'm drained, and then I have anxiety, and it feels so easy to ask what's wrong with me. Instead of that, I say, “I wonder what I need right now.”
Jen Riday: When you asked that question, “How could I love myself more right now?” What does it mean if my favorite place on the earth is my bed? I can't spend my whole life in my bed, but that was my first thought, “Get in bed.”
Jaya Rose: How can you get in bed just in your feelings for that wherever you are? Just be cozy with yourself. It's almost like a hug. I can feel that too, “Get in my bed.” Just be there in your mind.
Jen Riday: Yes. Okay, I can do that. Hug. Imagine my comforter. I like it.
Jaya Rose: Imagine your cold pillow. That's me.
Jen Riday: I'm going to have to analyze what is it about my bed that I love so much. It's not the sleep part. That's great too. Created in my mind, the feeling of the bed. Yeah, interesting. This is amazing. I love that. If someone would like to understand more about how all of their experiences really actually interrelate and are leading them to learn something that becomes part of their story, whether that's for branding, for a business, or just personal use, and they want to get your help with it, where could they go?
Jaya Rose: My podcast would be a great place to start because I do a lot of episodes on using the laws of the universe, on being kind to yourself. I have a whole section about being highly sensitive, a whole section about business, and about personal growth, and so you can just go to sherisepodcast.com, and you can find all those episodes, and you can always get in touch with me through a link there, but that's a great place to start.
Jen Riday: Well, Jaya, I want to just compliment you for a minute. One of my favorite words is juicy, and when I think of you, I think you're one of the most emotionally and spiritually juicy people I know. So, I just want to thank you for all of the soul work you do for yourself to stay juicy. If you were to narrow it down to the top three things that help you feel the most emotionally juicy, what would those be for you?
Jaya Rose: Yeah, thank you. I love that you said that you do for yourself, not just assuming, “Oh, she's just blessed, and she has something I could never attain.” I love that. So, for me, meditation, and I will tell you, this is something I've grown into.
I was a person who could not sit still and just not think, or be in that stillness. That was very uncomfortable for me. I started with guided meditations, and that's another thing I actually have, a bundle of guided meditations for like $11, I think. So, I could give that to you as well. If people wanted to start with something, that could be a cool thing.
Jen Riday: We’ll put the link in our show notes.
Jaya Rose: Okay, cool. Yeah, so that's it. Just so you have something because I don't want to say, “Oh, you have to go sit still and quiet,” because a lot of people won't do that. But I think guided meditations are great, great way to start because it will get you really focused and away from all of that mental chatter.
So, for me, meditation. I start my day, I get up about 20 minutes before everybody, and then come sit in my office in my comfy chair, and I just sit quietly, and then I do a little breath work. That has been a huge, huge shift for relieving anxiety for me. So, that's huge. If I had to just pick two more, I have to go with eating healthy and drinking lots of water.
Jen Riday: A gallon a day.
Jaya Rose: Yeah, I drink a gallon a day, but other things are legs up the wall, essential oils, and positive self-talk, like just being really nice to myself.
Jen Riday: That's something I admire about you. Your self-love radiates outward, and a lot of people are like, “Oh, self-love. That's so selfish.” It's not. Because you love yourself, Jaya, and take care of yourself, I am attracted and magnetized by your energy. I want to be in your presence.
I think if everyone could understand we can have the same thing by taking care of ourselves, and loving ourselves, and speaking kindly to ourselves, people will be attracted to us and love to be around us. That's really the definition of “good mom” or all these things we aspire to be. So, you are an example of that.
Jaya Rose: Thank you, and yes. Yes, sister. I love it.
Jen Riday: This has been fun. I know I'll have you on again, but thank you so much for being on the show, Jaya. This has been awesome.
Jaya Rose: Oh, thank you so much. I just love you. You are amazing. You all who listened to this podcast. I hope you know how lucky you are that Dr. Jen Riday shows up for us all because she is just such a beacon of light. You are bringing so much value to this community, and I really honor that in you.
Jen Riday: Thank you. I love that. Thank you. That's so nice.
All right, my friends. I want to challenge you to take this to the next level and really try to put into practice what you learned in the interview. If you want help with that, join us in the Vibrant Happy Women Club. We'll be talking about emotional resilience all month long. I love practicing emotional skills because that's the exact work that has made me a better mom, made me a more patient wife, and especially a calmer mother to teenagers. Ye-ha!
You can join us, today is the last day, at jenriday.com/join. This is the last day to join us for our May content. All right, my friends. I love you. You've got this. I'm sending you all the positive vibes and all the strength. Take a deep breath. Pat yourself on the back. You have survived another week of COVID-19, and moving forward, you can keep doing this. Keep going. I will see you again soon. Until then, make it a vibrant and happy week. Take care.
If you enjoy this podcast, you have to check out the Vibrant Happy Women Club. It’s my monthly group coaching program where we take all this material to the next level and to get you the results that will blow your mind. Join me in the Vibrant Happy Women Club at jenriday.com/join.